During my walk back to my room I realize how foolish I have been expecting Hardin to be different than before. I should have known better. I should have known that this was too good to be true. Hardin kissing me in front of Landon, Hardin being nice and wanting "more", Hardin telling me about his childhood. I should have known that as soon as his friends came along he would go right back to the Hardin that up until two weeks ago, I despised.
"Hey girl! You coming tonight?" Steph asks as I walk in the room. Tristan is sitting on her bed staring at her in the adoring way I wish Hardin would stare at me.
"No, I am going to study" I tell her. It's nice to know that everyone was invited yet Hardin didn't see it fit to invite me. Probably so he could hang out with Molly with any distractions.
"Oh come on! It will be fun. Hardin will be there" She smiles and I force one back to her.
"Really, it's okay. I need to call my mom and catch up with her and plan my assignments for next week."
"Lameeee!" Steph teases and grabs her purse. "Suit yourself. I'll be out all night so if you need anything let me know." she says and hugs me goodbye.
I call my mother and tell her about my internship, of course she is beyond pleased by my amazing opportunity. I leave Hardin out of the explanation but I do mention Ken, but I say he is Landon's soon to be stepfather which is true. She asks about Noah and I but dodge her questions. After listening to her talk about her new co-worker whom she believes is having an affair with her boss, we get off the phone. My mind immediately goes back to Hardin, as always. My life was much more simple before met Hardin, and now after.. it is complicated and stressful and I am either extremely happy or there is this burning in my chest when I think of him with Molly.
I will go insane if I just here and it's only six o'clock by the time I give up trying to study. Maybe I should go for a walk? I really need some more friends. I grab my phone and call Landon.
"Hey Tessa!" his voice is friendly and soothes some of my anxiety over Hardin and Molly.
"Hey Landon, are you busy?" I ask him.
"No, just watching the game. Why is something wrong?"
"No, I was just wondering if maybe I could come over and hang out.. or maybe if your mom doesn't mind maybe I could take her up on those baking lessons." I laugh.
"Yea of course you can come over. I know she would love that, I will let her know you're coming." he says.
"Okay, the next bus isn't for thirty minutes but I will be there as soon as I can." I tell him.
"Bus? Oh yea, I forgot you haven't found a car. I will come get you."
"No, really it's okay. I don't mind taking the bus, I don't want you to go out of your way."
"Tessa, its less than ten miles. I'll leave now." he says and I finally agree.
I grab my purse and check my phone one last time. Of course he hasn't text or called me. I hate the way I feel dependent on him, especially when I obviously can't depend on him. Landon comes to get me and I turn my phone off. If I leave it on, I will go crazy checking it every few minutes. I should just leave it here. I walk over and sit it in my top drawer before I walk out and lock my door. I sit down on the curb and wait for Landon to pick me up. Minutes later he pulls up and honks lightly, I jump off the curb from the surprise and we both laugh as I climb in the car.
"My mother is going insane in the kitchen right now so be prepared for a very detailed baking lesson." He laughs.
"Really? I love the details!" I joke.
"I know you do, we are alike that way." he tells me and turns on the radio. I hear the familiar sound of one of my favorite songs.
"May I turn this up?" I ask and he nods.
"You like The Fray?" He asks in a surprised tone.
"Yes! They are my favorite band, I love them. Do you like them?"
"Yes! Who doesn't?" he laughs. I almost tell him Hardin doesn't but I decide against it.
When we arrive to the house, Ken greets us at the door with a friendly smile. I hope he wasn't expecting Hardin to be with me. I see no disappointment on his face so I smile back.
"Karen is in the kitchen, enter at your own risk." He laughs.
He wasn't joking, Karen has the entire large island covered in pans, mixing bowls, and a lot of other things that I have no idea what they are.
"Tessa! I am just getting everything ready!" She smiles.
"Is there anything I can help you with?" I ask.
"No, not at the moment. I am almost finished. ..There I'm done."
"I hope it wasn't too late of notice for me to come by." I tell her.
"Oh no dear, you are always welcome here." She assures me and I know she means it. She hands me an apron to wear and I tie my hair up into a bun. Landon sits on the bench and talks to us for a few minutes while Karen shows me all the ingredients to make cupcakes from scratch. I pour them into the mixer and turn it on low speed.
"I already feel like a professional baker." I laugh and Landon leans across, wiping his hand across my cheek.
"Sorry, you have some flour on your face." His cheeks flush and I smile.
"It's okay." I tell him and go back to pouring my cupcakes into the baking pan. Landon leaves the room to finish the football game. Karen and I ice our cupcakes and I am pleased with the way mine turned out. I use the piping bag to make an "L" on the top of one of them and sit it aside for Landon. Karen expertly pipes flowers and grass onto her cupcakes.
"We will make cookies next time." She smiles and places the cupcakes in a serving case.
"Sounds good to me." I tell her and take a bite of my cupcake.
"Where is Hardin tonight?" Karen asks. I chew my cake slowly before answering.
"He's at his house." I simply answer. She frowns slightly but doesn't push it.
Landon joins us back in the kitchen and Karen leaves the room to take a few cupcakes to Ken.
"Is this cupcake for me?" Landon asks and holds up the cupcake with the squiggly L written in icing.
"Yea, I have to work on my piping skills." I laugh and he takes a big bite.
"Tastes good." he says with a full mouth. I giggle and he wipes his mouth.
I eat another cupcake and Landon talks about the game. My mind travels to Hardin again and I stare out the window.
"Are you okay?' Landon pulls me out of my thoughts.
"Yea, I'm sorry. I was paying attention.. at first." I smile apologetically.
"It's alright. Is it Hardin?"
"Yea.. how'd you know?" I tease.
"Where is he?"
"At his frat house, there is a party tonight and he didn't tell me about it. He had his friends meet him and he said see you around Tessa, when he said goodbye to me. I feel like an idiot even repeating this, I know how stupid I sound but it's driving me crazy. The girl Molly, he used to mess around with her, all the time and she is with him now, and he didn't tell them we are.. whatever we are." I breathe.
"Aren't you two supposed to be dating?" Landon asks.
"Yea.. well I thought so but I don't know now."
"Why don't you try to talk him? Or go to the party?" He suggests and I laugh.
"I can't just go to the party."
"Why not? You've been to their parties before and you and Hardin are sort of dating or whatever this is, and your roommate will be there. I would go if I was you."
"Really? Steph did invite me, I don't know." I want to go just to see if Hardin is with Molly but I feel stupid just showing up there.
"I think you should."
"Will you come with me?" I ask.
"Oh no, no. Sorry Tessa. We are friends but no." he laughs and I join. I knew he wouldn't but it was worth asking.
"I think I will go. At least to talk to him." I decide.
"Good, I would wipe the flour off your face first." he laughs and I gently push his arm.
I stay a little while longer to hang out with Landon, I don't want him to think I was just using him for a ride to the party, even though I know he doesn't think that.
"Good luck, call me if you need me." He says as I get out of the car. After he drives away I remember that I left my phone in my room to avoid worrying about Hardin, yet here I am showing up at his house.
A group of scantily clad girls are standing in the yard and I look down at my outfit. I am wearing jeans and a cardigan, I barely have any makeup on and my hair is in a bun on top of my head. What the hell was I thinking coming here? I swallow my anxiety and walk inside. I don't see any familiar faces except Logan who is doing a body shot off of a girl wearing only a bra and panties. I walk through the kitchen and someone hands me a red cup full of alcohol, I put the cup to my lips. If I am going to confront Hardin I need alcohol. I push my way through the crowded living room to the couch that their group usually hangs out on. Molly's pink hair comes into vision. I feel sick as I notice she isn't sitting on the couch, she is sitting on Hardin's lap. His hand is on her thigh and she leans back against him, laughing amongst her circle of friends. How did I get myself in this situation with Hardin? I should have stayed away from him, I knew it then and I am slapped in the face with it now.
I should just leave, I don't belong here and I don't want to cry in front of these people again. I am sick of crying over Hardin and I am done trying to make him something he isn't. Every time I think I feel as low as I can, he does something else and I realize I have no idea the real pain that unrequited feelings can cause. I watch as Molly puts her hand over Hardin's and he moves it away, but then puts his hand on her hip, giving her a playful squeeze and she giggles. I try to force myself to move, to back up, to run, to crawl, to do anything to get me out of here, but my eyes are locked on the boy I was falling for while his eyes are locked on her.
"Tessa!" Someone calls. Hardin's head snaps up and his green eyes meet mine. His eyes are wide with shock and Molly looks my way and leans further onto Hardin. His lips part as if he is going to say something but he doesn't.
Zed appears at my side and I finally force my eyes from Hardin's. I try to muster a smile for Zed but all of my energy is being used to prevent myself from bursting into tears.
"Do you want a drink?" He asks and I look down. I was holding a cup of beer wasn't I? At my feet is my cup, the beer spilled across the carpet. I take a step away from it, I normally would clean it up and apologize but right now I would rather just pretend it wasn't mine.
"Yes please" I say, my voice is strained. I have two options, I can run out of here in tears and let Hardin know he got the best of me, or I can put on a brave face and act like I don't care about him and the way he is still holding Molly on his lap.
I decide to go with option two.