It was cold. The weather has finally cooled. The weeks passed by quickly. The pregnancy wasn't easy. The morning sickness is pretty hard. Aaron and Anna eventually cleared things between them. He promised her that some day he will eventually introduce her to his parents but not now when they're pressuring him about his future. I haven't heard from my mother or from George. Most importantly, there hasn't been any news about Kevin. But for now, I'm not going to let my mind wander on that. I don't think it can handle such thought with the dreaded day right around the corner reminding me of the loss my heart has been aching for the past four years.
******
It was raining. Pouring rain like I've never witnessed before. I kind of liked it, but I found it depressing at the same time. Mrs Roberts said we couldn't leave the building, so we had to spend our lunch breaks in the gym or the library. And now, I had to wait in the hallways, waiting for my dad to come pick me up. They treated us like babies, what is some rain going to do to us? Well, it was pouring like never before... Anyway, I'm nine, not four! It won't hurt. Just then, the door to the hallway creaked open. An umbrella was thrusted inside first, and then my face broke into a smile and ran to the umbrella's owner.
"Daddy,"I squealed, wrapping my arms around him.
I heard him chuckle, "Hey rose cheek."
I narrowed my eyes at him. He always used that nickname. It was funny, and I kinda liked it. But just for fun, I had seem displeased.
"Come on, let's go," Dad rubbed my back as he held my hand and pulled me closer to him so he can hold the umbrella over both of us. As we stepped out, I understood why they didn't let us out. Not only was it pouring rain. It was freezing. Like really, really freezing. I guess my dad sensed how hard I was hit by the change of weather, so he nudged my hand and gave me a grin.
"Ready to make a run for it?" His eyes gleamed as I giggled, nodding my head.
And so, we ran as carefully as we could to his car. He helped me slide into the backseat without getting much raindrops onto me. Then, he hurried to the driver's side, slipping in. Just as he shut the door, he turned the heater on and I was so grateful for the warmth.
"So how was first day of school?" My dad asked as we were on the way home, his eyes diverting to mine on the mirror for a second before they went back to the road.
"It was good, but it felt too long," I mumbled, huffing at the end.
My dad let out a laugh, making me smile. I always liked how carefree his laugh was. It was the only thing that gave our house life, I guess that's why I liked to hear it much.
"OhSamantha," he breathed out, "I'm sure you'll get used to it."
Once we got home and my dad parked the car in the garage, both our moods dwindled down. We knew what to expect the moment we stepped in. My dad took my hand and we made our way to the front door. I was glad the rain calmed down now as it wasn't necessary for an umbrella as we only took a few steps to the front door. My dad stopped in front of the door. He heaved a sigh and looked down to me. My eyes reflected the sadness I felt to know that once we're inside, it'll be like another world.
"It's okay baby. Just as we always do," and with his other hand out, I chuckled.
I slapped my own onto his, then held my own out for his, and for the finisher we placed our thumb on our noses and wiggled our fingers, laughing in the process. It was our handshake of some sorts. My dad always did it when we were faced with a challenge, where when he sensed I wasn't feeling good, or that I was sad. I loved him for that. And just as we dropped our hands, my dad braced himself and opened the door.
The house was silent. We could hear some shuffling upstairs, but nothing more. I slipped my shoes off and then went back to my dad's side,instantly getting hold of his hand. And then I pressed myself further into his side as our heads turned to face the figure that was descending the stairs. She looked like a complete utter mess. Her hair was tied up in a more-than-messy bun, her eyes has heavy dark circles under them, her attire was just crumply, and she was shuffling her feet like she just woke up. As she got to the last step she diverted her eyes to us.
"Where've you been?" She asked my dad.
I felt my dad stand straighter, he was more tense.
"I went to pick up our daughter," he replied with a slight touch of anger as he emphasised 'our'.
"Took you that long?" She grumbled as she walked past us to the kitchen.
"Took me that long?" He asked with pure fury. He let go of my hand as he followed her.
My mom looked up to meet his gaze as she poured herself a cup of water.
"I told you we had no groceries," she stated, downing the water.
"AndI left you the money right over there to go buy whatever was needed,"my dad let out, his voice rising.
"Don't yell at me," my mom sneered.
"What have you done all day Martha? I have a job to do and then I need to leave to go pick our daughter up."
My mom's eyes looked at him with a blank expression, her eyes merely looking over at me.
"WhatI've done all day? Are you kidding me?" She yelled. "You think this house gets cleaned all by itself? Or the trash is taken out with a snap of fingers?"
That was enough to enrage by father.
"What the hell are you talking about? The house is never clean. I clean it up in the weekends. And if you do clean it, you do a crappy job because you have a drink in your hand as you do it."
My dad's voice was now loud, his hands on the kitchen counter as he confronted my mom. I hated seeing him like this. He's right though,he does everything. I love him for it. And I can't see how my mom has the heart to treat him like this. He gives her everything. I know apart of him still cares for her. And as the thought crossed my mind,my eyes watched as my mom pulled out a bottle of some alcoholic drink and then poured it into her cup.
"SeriouslyMartha?" My dad yelled, making me take a step back.
"What do you want David? Leave me alone," my mom snapped, taking a gulp before refilling her cup. "Don't come accusing me of not doing anything."
"Really? Then why didn't you go to buy groceries? What were you doing all day? 'Cleaning'?" And my dad walked after her as she advanced the living room. I took slow steps after them, stopping at the living room's entrance.
"Shut the fuck up David," my mom bellowed.
"How many times do I have to tell you not to use those words in front of your daughter?" My dad yelled, almost towering over her.
"She's a big girl, she'll hear it around. What's the harm?" My mom spat.
"She's nine," my dad bellowed. "A nine year old who you're going to let starve because you were so busy downing down your drinks and laying in front of the TV doing nothing."
I hid behind the wall, my eyes peeking to watch them arguing.
"Goto hell David," my mom yelled, downing her drink. And she was set onto her yelling rant. And that was it for me. I ran up the stairs to my room and shut the door behind me. I could hear them yell and argue. It was always the same. It seemed like a routine. With a heavy and tired sigh, I eased myself onto the ground, my back against the bed. I closed my eyes for a while, trying to block the noise. A few minutes later I heard footsteps nearing my door, and then there was a soft knock and my dad walked in. His eyes were tired, his shoulders slouched. He looked at me with sad eyes and approached where I was sitting.
"Hey rose cheeks," he softly said, looking down at from where he was standing. Slowly he crouched down in front of me. "You okay?"
I shrugged, looking down at my hands.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," he also averted his gaze to the ground, like he felt disappointed. The thing is, my dad never likes it when I witness their arguments and fights. He always tries to calm down and end them before they escalate. But I guess today wasn't possible for him.
"Don't be sad daddy," I said in a low voice as I wrapped my hand around his own.
My dad looked into my eyes which were almost identical to his, and let out a long breath.
"I don't want you to be scared Samantha," he sadly said and it triggered a sadness in me, making my eyes water.
"Why is mom mean like that?" I asked in a whisper.
"Oh baby," dad let out in a strangled voice. And then he had me wrapped in his arms.
"I don't know why honey, but I love you so much and I want you to always know that okay?" His voice was soothing, calming. And I nodded my head, squeezing my arms as much as I could around his neck. "And I promise, it'll get better. It's you and me Sammy, it always will be." He kissed the side of my head and then stood up, lifting me up with him.
"I love you daddy," I whispered.
"I love you too Rose cheeks." And I felt him sigh. "Now how about we go have some cheesy burgers and then head to the grocery store and fill the trolley with all the ice cream flavours and sweets we want?"
I giggled at that, letting my head fall back in laughter. I saw how my dad's eyes sparkled with happiness. I guess it was his goal to get me laughing.
"And fruits and vegetables daddy, remember?" I chuckled.
"Of course.. but I think we can make an exception for an extra tub or two of ice cream," he winked at me And I laughed again as he walked out the door and down the stairs, telling me of what he felt like getting as we walked out the door. I forgot the chaos in my house and smiled and laughed all day, because that's just what my dad was best at, andI loved him for that.
******
I tossed to the side again. I knew I wasn't going to go to sleep again. I've been trying to go back to sleep again, but there was no way that was going to happen. Slowly, I let my eyelids flutter open. Looking to my side, I stared at the clock that was by the night stand reading 8:17 a.am. Sighing, I looked up to the ceiling. I knew what day it was, but I didn't want to think too much about it. Every year on this day, I promise myself that I won't spend my time depressed, sad, and sulking. It's not what my dad would want. But there were times that I felt too alone that I couldn't help but waste the day in bed, my eyes locked onto the ceiling as I let my mind wander to the many memories I had with my dad, and then I'd spend the moments after that crying and sniffling. I didn't want that to happen today. I'm not alone now. Despite the situation I'm in, despite the fear and anxiety that courses through me, I'm better than I was the previous years.
The TV was on, the volume was too low. There was a mug on the coffee table, but it was empty. Just as I stood there, looking around, Ashton walked out of the kitchen on his way to the couch. He stopped in his tracks as he noticed me, and he smiled. His smile making my heavy heart lighten.
"Morning," he softly said as he approached me.
"Good morning," I replied, smiling at him the best I could.
Ashton knew what today was. He has been treating me with much care and tenderness the past two days, always careful around me. I was thankful that he didn't say anything about the matter.
"When did you get up?" I asked as I stole a glance to the living room again.
"About an hour ago," Ashton replied, placing a kiss on the side of my head as he wrapped me in a hug. Just what I needed .But then I stepped back to look up into his captivating hazel eyes.
"Ashton..."
He raised his eyebrows, telling me to go on.
"I'm really craving a peanut butter sandwich."
Ashton let his head fall back in laughter and I couldn't stop myself from letting out a small giggle.
Breakfast was amazing. For the first time in weeks I was able to eat my meal in the morning without running to the toilet bowl and emptying all the contents from my stomach. Ashton sat opposite me, watching me with a twinkle in his eyes. The amazing boyfriend that he was, he made me a peanut butter sandwich with some banana and a hot chocolate as I couldn't have coffee. I devoured the sandwich in three bites and like a little girl, I asked for one more, making Ashton break into fits of laughter.
"Okay, now I'm done," I sighed as I gulped down the last bite of my second peanut butter sandwich.
"It's good seeing you eat," Ashton mused as he sipped on his coffee.
For now, I had no problem with coffee. I've read that at some stage, pregnant women start hating the smell of coffee. But it wasn't my case yet. I was still only two months into the damn thing.
"It's nice not to empty it out," I mumbled, sipping on my hot chocolate.
Ashton gave me a sympathetic look and then picked up our dishes, getting to washing as I helped with drying.
"Do you have work today?" I asked as we were on the couch, a blanket covering us.
"I need to spend a few hours at the comic store," Ashton huffed.
I looked up at him, chuckling at the annoyed look he had.
"Poor baby," I pouted teasingly.
Ashton stuck out his tongue out like a little child making me laugh in the process. His eyes crinkled as he chuckled at our cheesiness.
"Do you have any shifts today?" Ashton then asked me.
Shaking my head, I snuggled closer to him as I relaxed in his arms.
"Angela said the coffee shop is under construction these weeks. Something about the kitchen," I mumbled.
"Lucky you," Ashton mumbled.
"I actually miss the girls," I chuckled, remembering it's been a week since I've seen them.
"Why don't you hang out with them outside the cafe?" He wondered.
I thought about this. Truth is, before Anna and Ashton, I didn't hangout with anyone. But I guess when they came along, something changed. Something about them just made you want to spend time with them. Especially Ashton.
"I don't know. I guess I'll consider it now that I think about it. But I think I just didn't want them to get to know my personal life. I usually push potential friends for that reason."
I could feel Ashton tense, his arms tightening around me, his breath hitching against the side of my head.
"Only you had the guts to break those walls down," I chuckled, just to loosen his tense posture, looking up at him, into his deep hazel eyes.
Rather than answering me, he lowered down to press his lips to mine. And it was like an explosion took place in the pit of my stomach (wait...there's a baby in my stomach, so can I still say that?). Ashton must've felt it too because he deepened the kiss, his hand tangling in my hair as he pulled me closer. I moved from my side to sit on his lap, my legs going over either side of his own. My hands moved to his nape, where my fingers touched his soft hair that has grown over the past months and are now covering the back of his neck.
I could feel his soft lips move against mine own, making a quite moan be heard at the back of my throat. But I didn't care. Ashton moved one of his hands from my hair so he could wrap his arm around my waist, pulling me even closer to him. My front was now flush against his own. Could he feel my heart pounding against my chest? I was almost out of breath, and so was Ashton as he let his lips break just for a second from my own, then I felt them move down to my neck and I couldn't hold in the whimper. My hands moved down to his arms, holding him tight as I felt electricity flow through my veins.
Ashton kissed me so softly, he treated me so delicately. A part of me wanted more. But then his lips were back on my own. My hands around his neck as I let my self drown into his touch. But I could never fully enjoy such a moment, could I? Out of nowhere, my mind worked on its own and an image popped into my head. His lips, his touch. I felt sick. Ashton's arm around me loosened as his fingers came in contact with the sliver of skin peeking between my pajamas' waste band and the sweater.
His hands were right on that spot and many other spots.
And as a lighter that has been flicked, my body jerked. Ashton sensed this and he pulled back in an instant.
"I'm so sorry, Sam. I got carried away I.." He looked pained and I hated this.
Shaking my head, I hugged him close, burying my face in his neck.
"They just pop into my head," I mumbled, breathing in against his skin.
"I should've stopped," Ashton said with disappointment.
"NoI didn't want you too," I stated, pulling back to look into his orbs.
"Sam..."
I didn't let him continue as I pressed a long and hard kiss against his lips.
"I wanted that, and more," I whispered, my forehead against his own, my cheeks warming at the revelation. "But they don't seem to stop. I don't want it to ruin things."
Ashton smiled sadly at me, his fingers interlacing with my own.
"We'll take all the time you need. I just want you."
And with that, all the air left my lungs, being replaced with a feeling that was too heavy yet too sweet. The word that popped into my head next left me tingling with nerves. It was a simple four lettered word.
*****
It smelled amazing. Just lovely. I knew what it was and so I jumped out of bed and flung the door open to rush downstairs. Just as I expected, my dad was stood behind the kitchen counter, his back was to me as he was finishing off what he was doing. Just as if sensing my presence, he turned around with a gleaming grin.
"Morning princess."
With a wide grin a ran to my dad and he opened his arms for me. Gladly, I stepped into his embrace as he squatted down and pulled me as he stood. Hugging me with force and swinging me around as I laughed.
"Happy Birthday Rose cheeks," and he planted a kiss onto my cheek.
"Thanks daddy," I beamed, my hands on his shoulders.
He then placed me on the kitchen countertop as he finished off slicing the strawberries.
"You know what we're having don't you?" He asked me as he passed me a strawberry.
Nodding as I swallowed, my dad chuckled at my eagerness.
Today, I turn thirteen. Every morning on my birthday, my dad makes us pancakes and I get to drizzle it with as much syrup as I want. The strawberries are a bonus this time. I loved how my dad always made sure I was happy and on top of the world on my birthday. I sometimes tried to do the same for him. But I couldn't cook, and I had no money to buy him presents. Nevertheless, he says that just my bubbly presence can make his day.
As my dad lifted me off the counter and placed me on the chair, my eyes roamed around the the house to see if my mom was around. She wasn't, and I thanked God for that. My dad then plopped down on the chair opposite me with the stack of pancakes settled between us. I instantly stabbed my fork into a piece and dropped it onto my plate. I followed by squeezing the bottle of syrup on top of my piece, drizzling it with maple syrup. My dad laughed at me as I stuck my tongue out to the side of lips and furrowed my brows to carefully place the syrup in the middle and then go around.
"Not too much Sam," my dad pointed out.
I placed the bottle down and started on my delicious pancake with the cut up strawberries on the side. I sighed heavenly as I let it trickle my throat and then drop into my rumbling stomach.
"Is it good?" My dad asked, peering at me over his mug of coffee.
I eagerly nodded my head, making my dead grin. And just in that moment we heard footsteps coming down the stairs. My mom entered the kitchen, not saying a word. I noticed how my dad's jaw clenched as he put down his mug. He sent me a smile as he got up, kissing me on the top of my head as he too entered the kitchen. I ate my breakfast but kept my ears attentive to their whispers. My dad's voice was too low, but I could hear my mom grunt. My hearing caught on to something my dad said.
"It's the ninth of February Martha."
There was silence.
"Our daughter turns thirteen today," I heard him tell her as I chewed in my strawberry slice.
She didn't remember.
After a millisecond, I heard her sneer, "I know." Then I heard my dad let out a deep breath and he was in my line of vision again as he took his seat and took a few bites of his breakfast.
"Want some more Rose cheeks?"
I looked at my dad with bright eyes and nodded. And just like that his eyes were back to being bright.
I sat watching television as my dad washed the dishes. My mom was eating her own breakfast so I took advantage and flicked the TV on. My dad was taking me out for lunch today and then we were going to spend time at the park, going on rides, and maybe seeing a movie. Just what I wanted. I couldn't wait for the cake, and at that I chuckled. My dad walked in then giving me a weird look.
"What's making you laugh you goof?"
And that made me giggle even more.
"Nothing daddy," I sighed.
"What ever you say," he hummed as he settled into the space beside me.
I moved closer to him, resting my head on his arm. But of course that wasn't enough for me, so I shuffled some more. I was never comfortable on the couch, my dad always complained that I must have warms in my pants for how I can't sit still. I ended up with my head on the end of the couch while my feet rested on my dad's lap. Better.
Somehow, I ended up in my dad's lap, his hands going over my sides as I pleaded him to stop as I couldn't let in any air between my laughter. I was ticklish and my dad knew it. I shrieked more and laughed harder. I heard my mom groan in the kitchen. She must be annoyed. Then my dad stopped, his eyes crinkling with laughter as well.
"Okay, I think it's time for you to go take a shower and get dressed. We have a long day ahead little missy," my dad said as he got up and settled me on my feet.
"Sure thing sir," I gave a salute, making my dad laugh, and ran off to do as I was told.
An hour later and I was standing in front of the front door, waiting for my dad to come down the stairs so we could start my birthday celebrations. And a few seconds later he was rushing down the stairs with his keys and phone in hand.
"Ready?"
"Yup,"I replied nodding, popping the 'p' with emphasis.
Justas we were about to go, my mom came out of the living room. Her eyes caught my own and she looked up to my dad.
"Samantha," she said. It was the first time she addressed me today.
I looked up at her, waiting for her to say whatever she wants to say.
"Happy birthday," she said it without any emotion. Almost as if it was like saying 'hello'.
I nodded my head and looked to my dad who seemed disappointed. He always thought one of these days my mom would actually put a little effort with me. I used to wish for that too.
"Do you want to come with us mom?" I croaked out, looking up at her as innocently as I could.
Her eyes darted to my father before she scratched her forehead, an indication that she didn't want to keep going with this conversation,she wanted to get over with it.
"No, I've got a headache. Go have fun with your dad," and with that she turned around and went up to her room.
The day was perfect, just perfect. I laughed and I had so much fun. We ate pizza and had dessert after. I went on rides, we watched a movie at the cinema. We bought popcorn and chocolates. I even took dad shopping (he hates that). It was amazing. When it started to get dark, my dad told me it was time to go. We headed to the cake shop where my dad picked up the cake he ordered for me. We decided to head to the park next to our house. He had the cake one hand while I was holding the candles, lighter, plates, and forks in a bag. Once we found our usual bench under the tree, my dad placed the box of cake on the table between the benches and I placed a plate and fork in front of me and one in front of my dad. My father lighted thirteen candles and he started singing to me while I was grinning waiting to make my three wishes. And as he was done, I closed my eyes and then blew out the candles as my dad clapped. I got the biggest piece and the messiest. It had cream on the edges with rainbow sprinkles and it was of my favourite chocolate chip and mint ice cream flavour.
"Okay," my dad rubbed his hands together. And I knew what was next...presents!!
My dad told me to wait a second as he ran off back to the car and then came back with three bags in his hands. I got presents from some of his co-workers whom I've come to know and really like. I also got a few others the other day at school from some class mates, so I had plenty of presents that made me jump in joy.
"Now it's my turn," my dad wiggled his eyebrows.
He handed me a small bag with a ribbon on the front. Carefully, I opened the bag and peered inside. There was a small box that my hand reached for and took out of the bag. I looked up at my dad with anticipation.
"Go on, open it," he urged me.
I gasped as I did.
"You like it?"
I nodded slowly, not believing what I was seeing. It was a pendant hanging on a necklace. It was silver. I got a silver necklace on my birthday! Oh my God this is so cool! It was a circular pendant(silver!) with a dove engraved on the front.
"Flip it over," my dad nudged my arm with his elbow.
Idid as he said and my eyes widened. It engraved with a few words. I read them and smiled. My Only Rose, My Only Light. Love – Daddy. I laughed as I remembered once telling him that as old as I get, I'd always call him 'Daddy'. I looked at him with watery eyes and then wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him so so so tight. I felt him laugh and then squeeze me back.
"I'll help you put it on," my dad then said. And once it was sealed around my neck, I couldn't stop marvelling at it.
"I love it daddy. Thank you so much," I squealed.
"You're welcome baby. Whenever you look down at the dove, wherever I might be, remember I'm always there with you no matter what."
With that he sealed his promise sticking his hand out, letting me slap it,then him slapping my own, and then wiggling our fingers with our thumb on our nose. And we both laughed, as my dad squeezed me in a hug.
******
I was alone in the flat, the pendant was in my hand, my fingers going over the engraved words. Gosh dad, I miss you so much.I've been holding my self during the day, but now I just felt overwhelmed. I looked at the scrapbook in front of me on the bed. I smiled as my eyes caught a photo of my dad with ice cream on his nose. He did that on purpose to make me laugh, I was about seven then. My eyes teared up as my hands moved over the photos, each sparking a feeling of longing. How can I stop this? I wiped away a tear that fell down my cheek.
"Dammit,"I huffed.
I held the stuffed animal in my hands, remembering the way my dad would always tease me about my cheeks resembling the toy's color. He was such a great dad, he even took the role of a mother, resembling the perfect parent. I let the tears fall then. I couldn't stop the pain as it racked my body.
"Oh daddy," I sobbed, the pendant clenched in my hand. "I wish you were here. I really need you."
And just then, I looked up to meet the time on the clock. It read 6:10 p.m. Now it marked exactly five years since the police officer was at the front door and informed me that David McHale suffered a car accident that took his life. My head must've been deep into that memory as a second later I hear Ashton call my name twice.
"In here," I croaked out as I sat up, my eyes watering once again.
"Hey,gue..." and he stopped in his tracks as his eyes caught my small frame on the bed surrounded by the many memories I had of my dad. And then his eyes saddened even more as they caught my own, red, teary,and obviously swollen. In just a few strides, he was sitting beside me, engulfing me into his arms and I broke instantly. As if someone got a hammer and pounded it against my chest, forcing all the despair, longing, and anguish out for release.
"I miss him so much," I sobbed hysterically, grasping onto Ashton as if he would disappear as well.
Ashton didn't say anything, all he did was kiss the side of my head and let me sob my heart out. Seems like it's a never ending cycle. He's always holding me and having me cry on him. I usually hated it, but I needed this more than ever today.
We lay in bed, Ashton's face directly in front of my own. After my sobbing fit, I calmed down and then Ashton prompted me to tell him about my dad, my best and favourite memories of him. It sort of helped, although I cried now and then as I recalled my most precious memories to him. When that ended, Ashton helped me place the things I retrieved from the chest back in their place. And now here we are,lying in bed ready for sleep, golden hazel eyes gazing into my own.
"You feel better?" Ashton asked, his finger moving away a strand of hair that was insistent on falling into my eyes.
"Yeah, I guess talking helped," I answered with a sigh.
"I'm glad you can talk about it with me," Ashton said, his hand caressing my own.
"It's nice to have someone I can trust with this," I admitted softly.
Ashton just smiled and placed a soft kiss on my forehead.
"Go to sleep Sam, you need it," Ashton whispered to me.
With no reason to argue, I moved closer to him and laid my head against his chest as he held me close. Closing my eyes, I sighed, feeling relaxed.
That night I slept with images popping into my head, dreams of jumbled memories. And for once, they didn't wake me up with my heart furiously beating against my chest or my body drenched in sweat. They made a smile grace my lips as I saw my dad's smile, his grin, heard his laugh, and heard his promise: Wherever I might be, remember I'm always there with you no matter what.