Chapter Forty Three - Emotions Is When Everything Changes
- Martin's POV -
"I promise."
The words slip out of my mouth without me even thinking. Mads's glossy eyes stare into mine, with longing and worry floating in them. Fuck, why did I say that? I don't even know what to do in this situation. How am I supposed to make this 'okay'?
"What am I going to do?" she asks, one of her hands dropping from the tight hold on my back. She tilts her head back against the door, giving me a clear view down her shirt, but I manage to keep my eyes on hers.
"Mads, she's just shocked, she'll get over it," I shrug my shoulders though I keep my tone reassuring. Plus, I know Haley. More than I would like. Yes, she is a bitch who holds grudges but Mads is one of the only people who can stand her at this place. She'll have to snap out of it if she wants a friend.
"I knew this was going to happen," she shakes her head, looking away and down from my eyes. She sounds ashamed which makes me angry. "God I'm so stupid," she says through her teeth, her hands now pushing my chest away from her.
"No you're not," I don't mean to growl under my breath, it just happened. I grab her wrists, holding them tightly, but loose enough so she isn't uncomfortable. She almost freezes in her spot. "You want me to talk to her?" I ask, the idea spurring in my head just for a second.
"Martin, no, it's fine," she shakes her head again but I can tell she is lying. She starts to try and move her arms from my hands but I just tighten my grip around them. The way she keeps looking away from me, frightens me. What's wrong with her?
"Look at me," I say sternly and slowly but instantly, her brown eyes lock onto mine again, "It's going to be fine," I tell her again and she starts to chew on her bottom lip, seeming to be from nervousness.
"Okay," she breathes out heavily, seeming to calm down and relax. Doubt is still present in her eyes and she feels distant. Knowing that she has comforted me in tough situations before, I can only feel obliged but to do the same.
Quickly, I remove my hands from her wrists and move them around to her back. Almost immediately, her arms wrap up and around my neck tightly as she stands on her toes. I rest my head on her shoulder, inhaling her sweet scent that drives me mad. I feel her fingers begin to pad through my hair gently as she presses her body into mine more. Goddamn, what is this girl doing to me?
"I might stay in your room again," she mumbles near my ear and I smirk a little, a chuckle coming from me.
"Fine by me," I answer, loosening my arms around her. She slowly unlaces her arms around me and stands back down to her normal height. The slightest smile is on her face as her eyes roam my face for a second.
I can tell that she is into me as much I am into her. All the signs are there. I can see it in her eyes. I could have her if I wanted and I do, but I still want to protect her. Protect her from all of the bad things I have done to hurt people. I can't bare the thought of not having her here with me. She's so special and I still haven't really figured out why. Or maybe I have? Shut up Martijn, stop confusing yourself.
"I'd better get going," I mutter, licking my dryish lips. Mads looks down quickly before looking back up, a confusing sadness settling in her eyes. I feel bad that I'm leaving her, but I have plans to find that bitch and talk to her.
"You'll probably see me later anyways," she rolls her eyes, causing me to laugh again. I have an urge to kiss her again but I don't, knowing that I'll get a hard on and I do not need that this late in the evening.
She pushes herself away from the wall and walks over to the door, opening it for me. She gives me a small smile when I walk past her and I return one, trying to ignore the weird fluttering feeling in my stomach. Without another word, I leave the room and she shuts the door behind of her. I can only hope that she isn't now going to breakdown when she is alone.
I take the stairs knowing they'll be quicker than that sketchy-ass elevator. What happened in there was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I have never really told anyone I liked them that bluntly before. I shake off those thoughts when I realize my task at hand. It brings all the anger back from earlier.
How dare Haley say that shit to her. At least Mads got a glimpse of how much of a crazy bitch she is. And the fact that she wouldn't let Mads talk almost made me blow up myself. It shouldn't have even been a big deal to start out with. So what we were kissing, we've done it a countless number of times. Haley is just pissed because it's me; I know it. If it were that fucker Matthew I'm sure she would have a grand ole jolly time celebrating that one.
The makes me think about what Haley said though. This is why you were refusing a relationship with him. What the fuck does that mean? I think back to that one party where Mads kissed Matthew. The thought makes me sick. But I can't help but wonder if they've kissed more times. I did catch Mads with him though that one day when she lied. What was she doing with him that night? My asshole subconscious laughs at me, telling me I'm jealous. I am not - okay, maybe I am a little bit. Then again, I haven't seen Mads talk to Matthew in a few days, so for now, I guess I've won this.
I walk around the outside picnic area in front the cafeteria, looking for a short head of caramel blonde hair. Miraculously, I somehow spot her through the mass of people. She's talking to that Cade guy she made friends with last year. If I remember correctly, he still needs to come out of the closet. Haley's voice only gets louder as I make my way towards her. A shocked look is on Cade's face and I roll my eyes at how she can't keep her damn mouth shut.
Suddenly, Cade's eyes move from her and latch onto me. They narrow slightly and Haley whips around on her heels. She lets out an over dramatic groan before rolling her eyes. It only nags at me and pisses me off more.
"What are you doing?" she asks, not even bothering to look at me.
"I want to talk to you, that's what," I spit out angrily, trying my best to ignore the snickering idiot sitting behind of her.
"I don't give a damn what you want honey," she finally looks at me, an audacious glare in her eyes. My jaw clenches and I look around at all of the people around us, smirking slightly.
"I really don't think you want to make yourself look like an even more crazy bitch than you already are in front of everyone, honey," I retort her smart-ass statement right back in her face. She freezes, her own jaw clenching out of presumably anger too.
"I'll lead the way then," she doesn't even try to hide the bitchiness in her voice as she begins to pad her feet towards me. She nudges my shoulder hardly as she walks past me. I throw the Cade guy a glare as he continues to laugh before I turn on my heels following Haley. Mads is pretty petite herself but Haley takes that to a whole other level.
After a few minutes of walking, she has lead us to an open field area, away from most of the people. She stops instantly in her tracks and I almost knock myself into her but I catch myself. She turns around, a big sarcastic grin on her face.
"Well, let's talk," she raises her voice pretty loud and I know she's doing it to get underneath my skin.
"Okay," I answer calmly and as blunt sounding as possible. She glares at me while she crosses her arms over her chest.
"What the fuck do you want from her?" she growls under her breath, her tone conveying disgust as well.
"What do I want from her?" I retaliate her own question before answering, "What the fuck is your problem with her?" I ask angrily.
She tilts her head back, laughing loudly and very sarcastically may I add, "I'm trying to protect her from assholes like you!" she yells quite loudly, "This is the reason why I wanted her to stay away from you!"
I look at her like she is stupid, because frankly, she is acting like it right now, "Have you met the damn girl?! She's pretty fucking stubborn if you ask me, so what good were you going to do anyways?" unknowingly, my own voice raises with each word.
"Martin this is the thing with you, you only see things from your perspective. You don't think about others and I know how much you can fuck up a person," surprisingly, she isn't yelling anymore, "You're just taking advantage of the poor girl, that's all you're doing," she adds which makes me more angry.
"Why don't you stop treating her like a five year old? That's exactly why she hates her home, have you even spoken to her about that?" I growl, narrowing my eyes at her. Haley's face softens and she takes a half step away back.
"That's not my goddamn point," she spats, rolling her eyes.
"Then what is, 'your goddamn point'?" I question, quoting her idiotic choice of words. I guess when you hang out with idiots, you become one.
"My point is, all you want from her is to use her. Use her for your own pleasure, it's sick," she waves her arms around comically.
"No I don't! What the fuck, you know nothing about Mads and I! You're just jumping to dumbass conclusions!" I feel the need to raise my voice, defending her and myself I guess. Sure, I'll admit, when I first met her, I thought it would have been fun to mess around, but then I actually have gotten to know her, along with many emotions that came with her. That's when everything changes.
"Yeah, I'm the dumbass," she mutters, rolling her eyes, "She's a good person, you should leave it that way," she says suddenly which makes me furrow my eyebrows.
"What the hell does that mean?" I narrow my eyes in a glare at her.
"You're an asshole Martin, that's why. You're arrogant, rude, and disrespectful. Whatever you have with Mads, it should stop," she smirks at me sneeringly. When I hear the word disrespectful, all I can think about is my father and I want to fucking scream but I contain myself.
"Once again, you're jumping to conclusions! You know nothing Haley," I say again. Maybe it will sink into her thick ass skull this time.
"Have you even told her about what happened last year? Talked about how many people you've hurt?" she asks out of nowhere and I feel my throat dry up. Oh, here we go.
"Why should I? It's in the past," I answer shaking my head. However, I do feel guilt knowing that Mads has asked multiple times. But like I've said, I don't want her to know.
"Oh, so you weren't planning on telling her how you were a coke addict? And practically an alcoholic," she laughs sarcastically, "What about how you've fucked almost every girl here? Or how you almost killed me? Oh and don't forget how you did kill Austin and didn't even bother to show up to his funeral," she spits out, venom lacing through her words.
I stand still in my spot, a pit now in my stomach. My jaw clenches down hard, anger now getting ready to spill out of me. What. A. Bitch. I look away from her, letting her words sink in. I shove my hands into my front pockets, taking in a couple deep breaths.
"You're not even worth my time," I scoff under my breath. Wanting to have the last word in this meaningless conversation, I turn on my feet. But unfortunately when I get to walking, her voice stops me.
"You and I both know that this will end badly!" she yells from behind of me. I roll my eyes, continuing to walk away from her, going back towards my dorm.
At least I can say that I tried to help, but she's just a bitch, so obviously that went nowhere. I cannot fucking believe her. Well actually, I kind of can because she is crazy, but still! She has no right in bringing up that stuff. The incident last year had many factors that played into it and once again, someone is telling me it was all my fault. Just like my goddamn father.
This is exactly why I need Nora. She helped me through all of that. If it weren't for her, I'd probably be spiraling out of control or even dead. I do not need another person feeding me that 'it was your fault' shit. Especially after this has mostly been settled back in Amsterdam. I didn't go there for nothing, then again, Haley wouldn't know that.
The mention of her name boils my blood. She's just one of those girls who hold grudges when they don't get what they want. And you know what, fine - I have fucked her before. I know for a fact one of the reasons she started to get bitter towards me was because I didn't want her. She's like a Karlie equivalent. She was just a fuck whenever I felt like it.
I shove off all of my thoughts of her away, beginning to think about Mads. Surely to whoever, that bitch wouldn't go run off and tell her all of that.
I get back to my dorm after about a five minute walk. Knowing that it is going to get dark soon, I actually hope Mads comes and stays with me again. For one, I don't want her around Haley and two, I just want to be with her. She keeps me sane in the most insane way possible.
- Madeline's POV -
Of course, I get called to the main offices again. Even when it's almost 9:30 P.M. Haley still hasn't showed since she stormed out earlier and frankly, I couldn't give a shit where she is. As I have sat in our room thinking this through, I thought you know what, screw it. Why should I let her almost 'control' what I want or who I want to hang out with? I shouldn't. It's my life. Just like Martin has always told me - do what makes you happy.
I shove my feet into a pair of flip flops and I zip up a random grey jacket that I find. I don't even bother with my face and quickly, I head out the door of our small dorm. I try my best to ignore all of the people hanging out in the hallways as I make my way towards the stairs.
It is almost deserted outside as no sun is visible anymore. I don't understand why they couldn't have just waited until the morning for me to come for whatever it is. I swear if it's another phone call, I will kill someone. After I practically had a nervous breakdown over my last one, I don't think I can pick up a phone anytime soon.
I don't know if it's because I'm just lazy or if it's because I'm exhausted, but it seems as if I have been walking for fifteen minutes before I reach the office. When I walk in, the harsh bright lights blind me for a second. Surprisingly, the Maria girl who is usually here is nowhere to be seen. A guy who looks maybe in his younger twenties sits in her place behind of the counter.
"Madeline?" he asks me; his voice is a lot deeper than I expected. I nod quickly, walking over to him. I observe his face and honestly, he's quite attractive. I just know that he would be way to old for me. He reaches over the the counter with an envelope in his hand.
"Thanks," I mutter grabbing the paper from him. His brown eyes glimmer and his mouth sends me a friendly smile.
Who sent me mail this time? I ask to myself as I turn on my heels to exit the building. I turn over the envelope to the back, my eyes scanning over the material. Instinctively, my eyes go towards the left corner and I can't stop the gasp that comes from my mouth. My eyes almost bug out of my head as well. Oxford University.
I stare at the envelope, with my mouth parted open, reading that over and over. Is this for me? What in the hell is going on? I turn it back over, my heart beating faster as I rip open the envelope from the front.
I quickly remove the couple folded up papers, my hands almost shaking. I can't be seeing this right, there is no way. I never even applied or thought about applying to a school out of the country, let alone Oxford. Mainly because my parents didn't want me to. I straighten out the paper holding it under the light so I could read it.
Dear Ms. Thompson,
You have been chosen out of a select group of young American students to be invited to Oxford University for the Masters in Business Administration (MBA). You and twenty other students have the opportunity to come and take a tour of the school in the third week of August. There, you can decide if you would be willing to come study with us in London.
Since you are just one of a twenty lucky students, we encourage you to take this opportunity. It would be a pleasure having you come study with us. It would be best to hear from you and your family sooner than later.
We all look forward to welcoming you to one of the greatest universities in the world. Enclosed, you will find out more information and hopefully it will answer any questions you have.
Once again, we are delighted to offer you a place at Oxford and look forward to meeting you soon.
Sincerely,
Dr. Dana Brown, Directer of the MBA
Once I am finished reading the letter, I read it again and again and again. What is going on? Is this actually legit? Or is this some kind of prank? I feel myself getting a little dizzy and my stomach churning inside of me. I grab the paper from the back and settle it on top, scanning over it as well. It's essentially a question and answers packet.
I am tempted to run back into the office and call someone; the number on the paper or hell, even my parents. Do they know about this? They wouldn't just send me this without them knowing? Am I right? I make a mental note to call them, even if my father said I shouldn't call them. He didn't even tell my mom that I called them a few weeks ago.
Thoughts of how something is going at home invades my mind. I still can't shake the image of my noticeably thinner mom from a few weeks ago out of my head. I just hope that if and when I do call them, that my mother will pick up the phone.
However, one thing I am for sure of, this day just got one hundred times better, even if it's almost over.
Somehow out of my shock, I manage to shove everything back into the envelope. I begin to make my way back towards my dorm, but then, I remember Haley. Honestly, I don't care about talking to her or even seeing her. Obviously we can't argue for forever, but this is how it's going to be until she learns to mind her own damn business and calm down. So, abruptly, I turn my direction towards the dorm where I have spent a lot of my time at.
I clutch the envelope in my hand hard, not wanting anything to happen to it. Soon, I find myself jogging up a familiar set of stairs to the third floor of the dormitory. I scan the hallway to make sure no one sees me before I knock on the door softly. Within seconds, the door swings open and my eyes immediately go up his bare chest to his eyes.
"I told you, you would see me later," I smile slightly which causes a smirk to break on his flaw-free face. Without saying anything, he backs up allowing me to step in. He closes the door before locking it firmly.
"Is she still in a mood?" he suddenly asks as I glance around his room which is now becoming more dirty.
"Haven't seen her since then actually," I answer turning on my feet to look at him again. His eyes roam up and down my body willingly. When his eyes come back to mine, I notice there is a distance in them. Like he isn't fully here.
"Figures," he shrugs, he ponders over towards me before brushing past me and sitting down at his desk setup. I follow his movements with my eyes, sensing something is off with him. He licks his lips before his eyes travel down me once again, "What's that?" he asks furrowing his eyebrows.
I glance down to my hand, almost forgetting about the envelope. Almost. "Guess what," I say, not able to fight my smile.
His head tilts to the side curiously, "What?" he asks.
"I think I've been accepted into Oxford," I say slowly, not really being able to let that sink in. I mean, that's what I got out of it anyways.
"As in the university?" he asks, leaning back onto the chair he is sitting. I nod furiously, running a hand through my long hair. "What do you mean, you think?" he then asks, his own smile forming on his face.
"Well, in the letter, it said they invited me to go there and take a tour next month," I explain, setting down the paper on the edge of his bed. "I didn't even apply for it though, so I don't what's up with that," I shrug, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Hm," he mumbles, his eyebrows still furrowed, "Are you going to go?"
"I don't know if my parents would let me," I say with quite a depressing tone.
"You shouldn't let them hold you back," he swivels in the chair slightly, his eyes staying on me the entire time. Even though the gesture can make me nervous, I am quite used to it now. And I don't mind it that much if I'm being honest.
"Mhm," I mumble, my eyes diverting from him to the floor, "I don't want to think about them anyways," I add, brushing off the subject completely. I want to know what's wrong with him.
He takes in a deep breath which catches my attention again. His eyes have now left me and stares aimlessly over my right arm. I see the broken boy once again in his green eyes, lost and confused. I'm not the only one that's easy to read around here. I know that whatever he went back to Amsterdam for, is clearly more than one person can handle. He still hasn't said any details about why he went there. He mentioned an accident, but that was it.
I slowly sit down on the edge of his bed, so we're practically parallel in height now. Feeling a sudden confidence in me, I reach over to him and I grab for his hand.
"Are you okay?" I ask him which makes his head snap towards me.
"Why do you care about me?" he inquires abruptly, his eyes narrowing at him. My hand loosens from his, feeling quite stunned by his question. Is he really asking me this now?
"I-I just..do," I stutter out before clearing my throat.
He sucks in another breath, "If you've heard so much shit about me, why are you even bothering with me?" he asks, a confusion in his voice. I feel myself freeze up. Where's he going with this?
"I don't know," I shake my head, my words coming off slowly and unconfident. I want to tell him it's because I'm just drawn to him, but I just can't. Mainly because he intimidates the crap out of me and I'd be scared of his reaction.
"Why haven't you asked any questions about me?" he pushes, his fingertips brushing my hand slightly, sending chills down my spine. I look at him perplexed and mutter a sound that's supposed to sound like 'what'. "You've asked questions about what's happened with me, but you've never asked me just about... me," he answers.
I think about his question for a second, trying to come up with a reply quickly.
"I've never really thought about it," I answer truthfully, wondering where he has suddenly wanted to ask me weird things. Something tells me that someone has gotten under his skin. "It's not like you would tell me anyways-" I stop my words, cursing at myself for speaking my thoughts; again!
He tilts his head, his eyes hooding over, his green eyes darkening. Well, way to piss him off Mads. It's not like he's going through enough.
"I-I'm sorry, I d-didn't mean it like that," I say quickly, trying to save myself before my ship sinks down to the bottom of the ocean.
"It's fine," he answers monotonously, his hand barely touching mine now. I internally slap myself. I watch his jaw clench the slightest and it almost looks as if he wants to say something, but he can't bring himself to say it. "You seem tired," he says pointing out the obvious just as I yawn.
"Hm, just a little," I laugh under my breath, trying to lighten up the dark mood. His eyes soften (thankfully) not looking so harsh anymore. Martin suddenly stands up, standing in front of me, now towering over me. I have to stop myself from looking at his bare chest and stomach; I somehow manage to do so.
"Why are you so stubborn?" he asks all of a sudden which causes me to snicker.
"I'm stubborn?" I retort with a small smile, "I think we're both up there on the stubborn meter Martin," I add and unexpectedly, he returns my smile. He shakes his head a little before walking over to the door and flicking off the main light switch.
The lamp keeps a warm glow to the room and I unzip my jacket, shrugging it off my arms. The room is suddenly chilly and I scoot back on his bed. I think about how just two months ago, I would have never thought about doing any of the stuff I have with Martin. Little did I know two months ago, this boy had some deep problems. And little did I know that I would be trying to help him.
I feel my heart rate quicken when I look up and see Martin, waiting for me to scoot over in my 'usual' spot after he flicks off the lamp. For a split second, his face comes close to mine and I want to kiss him but I restrain myself. Instead of facing the wall like I normally would, I wait for him to lay down. Once he seems to be in a comfortable position, I lean down, wrapping an arm around his torso, leaning my head onto his upper chest.
I close my eyes and listen to the steady sound of his heartbeat. One of his hands find it's way to my hair and he caresses it softly. Even though I have a thousand things on my mind, somehow, I am able to fall into a peaceful sleep, sinking further into the sheets and Martin.
______
A/N Hey everyone, happy Sunday! Let's talk about Haley and Martin's fight. Damn, she knows how to dig deep haha. What do you guys think Martin should do? Tell Mads or keep it a secret? And what was up with the Oxford letter? Hm.. so many questions, not a lot of answers lol ;) I hope you guys have a fantastic week ahead, love you all! Comment/vote! :)
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