SAFEST IN YOUR ARMS
" i love you "
{' LOVE '}
"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY not going to talk about it?" Nia asked for the third time that night. the streetlights above them were illuminating her face in a slight yellow hue every couple of seconds. the radio had been completely shut off by the passenger something the driver was very opposed to. bright beam lights would occasionally reflect upon Samantha's skin shinning light on her neutral expression. both hands were griping the steering wheel, which wasn't a habit of hers. she'd usually drive with one hand on the shift handle and a relaxed posture. not like how she looked then.
the clock below the touch screen showed 8:34, two hours after they had left the younger girls home. the sky had darkened not long after the white camry pulled out of the driveway and the after work traffic had drastically died down since then. the two best friends had gone to get milkshakes and burgers from Boston, although one of them hadn't done much eating. they ate in the car and as much as Nia tried to get the girl to talk about her feelings, she would avoid the topic completely. at first, the car ride was tense, especially every time Nia would ask if she was okay but slowly the young girl would relax. when they arrived to the fast food restaurant, Samantha took a couple of bites out of her burger but she winded up throwing all of it away. the only thing she did drink was her strawberry milkshake that seemed to relax her completely.
until she got a text from Georgia. the two were in the middle of talking about their plans for thanksgiving when her phone vibrated. she expected it to be her mom, yet again lecturing her about her little walk out, she had called on the way to Boston but Samantha didn't return the call until they parked. she heard her mom tell her that as much as the whole Alexandra thing was bothering her, it didn't give her a right to just walk out without a single goodbye. Samantha quickly apologized and said it wouldn't happen again and quickly after, Ellen's tone changed. she knew her daughter wasn't the type to ever do such things, the only times she had seen her be so angry was when Alexandra left so it didn't leave any doubt that it was the reason why she was angry then too.
it was in fact not her mom but Georgia. to say the notification shocked her was an understatement. she hadn't heard from her in days and they weren't exactly in a good place so the fact that she was contacting her didn't make much sense. although she'd lie if she said it didn't make her heart start beating faster and her stomach to grow a tornado of butterflies. Nia noticed pretty quickly that someone special had texted her and when she asked, Samantha shook her off. from then until they left the parking lot, the brunette kept asking but Samantha still couldn't find the words to tell her. not when she knew Nia would have something negative to say and especially not when she couldn't even process the fact on her own.
when the car pulled into the driveway, Samantha put the car in park and finally turned to face her. "Georgia texted me." she finally confessed. the words felt weird coming out of her mouth, it was something she thought she'd never say again. she didn't realize how much she closed herself off from the blonde until then. subconsciously she let go of any chance of them getting together, not when she was jealous of Paul but when she saw the little moment between her and Zion. it was then that a part of her broke. that small string that had been pulling more and more that was left in just a small lace, snapped in half. there was too much weight, too much jealousy and too much pain to keep that string together.
Nia didn't seem all that surprised, just a flash of her eyes widening but aside from that, she didn't look all too surprised. "i figured considering your reaction." she said and the raven girl sighed. "what'd she say?"
"she wants to see me."
"are you going to?"
Samantha looked in front of her, "i don't have much of a choice." she shrugged. because she really didn't. the message kept replaying in her head the whole ride, it was the reason she turned the radio off, so many things in her head with the aux and Nia talking was giving her a migraine. she thought about ignoring the message or saying she wasn't home and just spending the night at Nias but the whole thing had dragged on for far too long. they had a lot to talk about and regardless of the outcome, it was at the point in which they needed to say what they needed to say so they could move. whether that be with their relationship or move on from it.
Nia could see how much everything was affecting her physically. Samantha's eye bags were darker than usual, college had a way of making them get little sleep but this wasn't like usual, her eyes didn't shine the way they used to before and there were small habits she picked up against. picking at her nails, the small twitch she'd do with the side of her mouth when she was nervous and most of all, the way her smile wouldn't reach eyes anymore. she missed her best friend, the one before all of this. Nia didn't doubt that Georgia could make her happy because there were glimpses of that, days in which Samantha was being her usual self but the blonde was inconsistent and that wasn't fair to Samantha.
when the brunette didn't say anything, Samantha turned to look at her. "i know what your gonna say-"
but she was cut off, "no. i'm not. whatever you decide to do ill support you."
the raven girls brows furrowed in confusion, "i thought you hated her."
Nia chuckled, "i don't hate her. i hate what she does to you. but i also know that you know what you're doing and whatever you decide, it's because it's right for you." she explained and it brought a warmth in the girls chest.
in truth, Nia had an opinion on the whole thing. she didn't want them together. maybe if Georgia could prove to her that she loved Samantha things would be different but until then, she didn't like them. she just knew that her opinion didn't matter because Samantha already had her decision made.
the raven girl nodded and she took a deep breath. she was going to do the one thing she had been wanting to for days. she'd finally talk to the blonde and alone. without prying eyes and without other hearing them talk. without exes and family members. it would just be them. that didn't mean she was ready for it. Samantha turned to her best friend, "wait for me here?" she asked. Nia nodded with a gentle smile. one that brought so many emotions up for Samantha but she swallowed them, she needed to get through the conversation before she could let it all out.
the brunette could sense everything her best friend was feeling so instead of giving her a hug for comfort, she simply let Samantha get out of the car and do this on her own.
the car door closed behind the raven girl and she looked at the house across the street. it felt weird looking at it. like she was living a dream. it was weird, she'd look a it everyday since the 'break' and wonder if she'd ever be inside of it again and there she was, getting ready to walk inside. the house looked like it was empty aside from the one light turned on upstairs that belonged to Georgia. if not for that she would have thought the blonde stood her up considering her car was gone. the only thing sitting outside was Zion's bike but Georgia had told her that she would be alone because Zion took the kids out. she was sure that was all part of the blondes plan so they could talk without anyone hearing.
Samantha jogged across the street until she reached the familiar house. for the first time for what felt like ever, she'd be walking through the front door instead of through a window or the backyard. it wasn't her first time, she knew that but it somehow felt like that. she didn't have to look around to make sure that no one was looking at her because to anyone, it could just be a friend visiting a friend as opposed to a college student sneaking into an older woman's home. the raven girl took a deep breath before her fist landed on the door twice.
her heart was racing a mile a minute and all she wanted to do was go back to before. before Georgia started dating Paul and their exes came back into town, before the heartbreak and the anguish. when it was just them huddled in the blondes room laughing at Samantha's dumb jokes and making out like a pair of hopeless teenagers. before things started getting serious. before Georgia broke Samantha's heart.
the front door swung open faster than Samantha expected and when it did, it felt like a punch in the chest. the air in her lungs had been knocked out of her and her mind went blank. Georgia Miller was standing in front of her looking as perfect as ever. and that's all it really took. one look at her and Samantha had fallen in love with her all over again. her hair was curled and it fell over her shoulders, Samantha wanted to run her hands through it. the blonde had a gentle smile across her features and Samantha wanted nothing more than to return it. the familiar scent reaching her brought back so many memories, so many she hadn't had the strength to remember.
"hey." the blonde said softly. if she hadn't already felt the punch in her chest, she would have felt it there. her voice. the one she had missed so much, the one she had dreamed with was finally directed at her. not at her mom or Zion or anyone else but her.
it took Samantha a second to get the words out of her. "hey." she responded in a quieter tone than she intended. the younger girl could see the blondes eyes scan behind Samantha, likely making sure no one was outside before she stepped aside to let her in.
Samantha stepped inside hesitantly. she wasn't ready for the conversation they were getting ready to have but she wasn't sure she ever would be. not tomorrow, not next week and maybe not ever. she didn't move once she was inside the foyer, not sure where Georgia wanted to talk to her. she waited until the blonde had closed the front door. Georgia turned to the raven girl, her eyes searching her features for some kind of answer. although neither of them were really sure what answer that was.
"we can talk in the living room," she said and began to walk in the direction of it. Samantha didn't make any comment and simply followed the older woman deeper into the home until they reached the living room. she expected to see it intact like she had that last time she was in there, although this time there weren't two kids and three teenagers. instead, there was a blanket propped on a couple of things which looked like a fort and on the couch there were two neatly folded blankets and a pillow resting on the very end. she figured that was where Zion was sleeping and even though she should have felt reassured that they weren't sleeping together, that wasn't all that comforting. Georgia realized Samantha's eyes were trained on something which caused her to follow her eyeline. "Zion and Austin made a fort and he's been sleeping down here." she explained.
there she goes, confirming her thoughts even more and yet she didn't feel at peace. she didn't feel less worried and she certainly didn't feel like Georgia was only hers. even if nothing happened with Zion, she still had a boyfriend.
Samantha changed the conversation before it even began, "what did you want to talk about?" she asked, unable to stop herself any longer. the conversation had been prolonged for so long that it just felt like even just a couple of minutes of small talk would be too much. not the she even wanted to make small talk, there was nothing to say.
Georgia stood in front of her and the young girl watched as she glanced down at her feet before looking at her again. for the first time in a long time she could see that the blonde was nervous because even when the blonde was nervous, she a had a great way of hiding it. the fact that this was the first time she was seeing her nervous was almost funny. their whole relationship had begun with bad timing and this just added to that. the blonde took a deep breath before she spoke, letting Samantha know that whatever she was going to say was serious. "Zion asked me to move with him." she admitted. as much effort as it took, she looked at Samantha directly.
she saw the way her eyes flashed with pain. the way she swallowed harshly and the way those words made her flinch. the shine in her eyes was progressing and Georgia could feel her own eyes begin to shine. she had never seen Samantha cry and she didn't want that day to be the first. not when her tears weren't needed. she knew all of the things that were probably running through her head and she didn't waste another second in erasing those thoughts. "Samantha," she said lowly and took a step toward her. she reached for the raven girls hands and held them firmly in her own. "I said no."
the words that were said into the empty home were not what Samantha was expecting. she expected anything else. to have the blonde tell her that she was choosing Zion because she still loved him and wanted to have a real family. that she cared for her but she couldn't choose her but not this. even if it was everything she had been wanting to hear since the day all of this mess had started. even if she dreamed about the blonde saying she chose her. because she truly never thought Georgia would ever choose her.
"I can't leave you," the blonde continued when she realized that Samantha wasn't going to say anything. "these past couple of days I had to act like you didn't exist, It made me think about how complicated this is." she said motioning between them with her hands that were still holding the young girls. "so I tried to feel what life would be like without you. if I chose the easy route but I realized that I don't want that life."
there were so many thoughts, so many emotions running through Samanthas head and she couldn't catch up with any of them. her tears were making the blonde look blurry so she swallowed them like she had mastered doing years ago. this was what she wanted. everything she ever wanted. to feel like the blonde loved her. to be chosen by Georgia and she couldn't lie, it felt amazing. it felt like she was walking on a cloud. like she had just won something that had been forbidden from the rest of the world but she was the winner. she was the chosen one. it was everything. but was it too late?
Samantha swallowed the lump in her throat that was burning with pain and spoke, "Georgia-"
she was quickly cut off, "I know. I know that I hurt you but I promise I won't hurt you again." she spoke with such certainty that Samantha believed her. for a second. a passing moment in which she saw a world where Georgia couldn't hurt her anymore. she just wasn't sure if they were together in that world though. then she dropped the bomb in the small room. the phrase that could break but also heal someone completely. the phrase that Samantha had wanted to hear since the first time they slept together. the one thing she felt in fleeting moments when shed feel Georgias eyes across a crowded room, when she would text her good morning or when shed make sure she made it home okay when she went out with friends. the thing she felt from the blonde the last tine they slept together. Georgia took a step closer and dropped Samanthas hands but her touch didn't disappear. she grabbed Samantha's face softly. "I love you."
love. what a funny word. what a funny feeling. it was all Samantha felt for the blonde. even when she pushed such thoughts away and even when she pushed the feeling down into the depths of her heart. she had loved someone so much that she didn't think there was enough room to love anyone else. oh, how wrong she had been. hearing those words from the blonde? well, that was an unexplainable feeling, one that couldn't be defined by even the most beautiful words, not by floating on a cloud or a racing heart. it was more than that. so much more than that and she couldn't put it into words.
she loved her back. of course she did. she would be a fool not to. but oh was her timing horrible.
"you don't love me."
there were so many things Georgia expected to hear from Samantha but not that. she didn't doubt that Samantha loved her back, she wasn't stupid. no one endured so much shit for someone they did not love but that didn't mean she did not want to hear her say it back because she did. her hold on the younger girls face had loosened and the way her head moved back a centimeter made her shock more than obvious. then she finally reacted. her hands completely left Samantha and she took a step back. "how could you say that? after everything ive risked for us." she said her brows furrowed.
Samantha didn't want to do this. she had never broken anyones heart and out of everyone she ever loved, she didn't want it to be the blondes. why did she have to tell her she loved her? why then and not days ago? why then and not before Zion came into town? why then and not before she broke her heart? it made things harder. it made it all the harder to say what she needed to say because Georgia breaking her heart was easier than what would be happening next. at least the blonde had already broken her before, at least she was ready to endure the pain and at least she wouldn't be breaking someones elses heart. not the heart of the woman she had treated so gently.
she swallowed her pain and her love and her tears because showing no emotion was easier. she had to keep a level head for both of them because like always it was Samantha who had to carry each of their hearts. "well you shouldn't." she said with as much strength as she could muster. "it shouldnt be everything or nothing. that's not how love works."
that wasn't a lie. she truly believed that love shouldnt be everything or nothing because what is love without everything else? a love that could never last. a love that would slowly turn into hatred.
Georgia had a look of disbelief, "thats exactly what love is. its risky but-"
"no Georgia," Samantha shook her head. "it isnt. love shouldn't be this risky. it shouldn't make people hate you or make you lose your job and reputation. I won't do that to you. I wont let you be the target of everyone in this fucked up town."
because she loved her too much to do so. because breaking her heart then was easier than seeing her lose everything for her. she wouldn't watch as Georgia loses her job, her friends and her kids because in no world would Ginny or Austin ever truly be okay with their mom dating someone so young. even if Georgia never said it, she knew that her kids liked Paul and they of course loved Zion and that was something shed never live up to. she wouldn't make the blonde have to choose between her or her kids because they were the most important thing to Georgia.
if the blondes eyes were shinning before, the tears were close to falling then. Samantha wanted to cry too, she wanted to hug the blonde and tell her that she didn't mean any of the words she was saying but that would be lie and until then, she had yet to ever lie to her. maybe she kept secrets but never had she lied to her.
"what are you saying?" the blonde asked her voice dripping with emotion.
Samantha took a step forward but she didn't touch her. not when she knew it would do nothing but hurt her even more. "don't choose me. I'm not the right choice. you deserve to be with someone who can take care of you. who won't blow up your life. I can't do that. you deserve to be with someone that makes you happy and that isnt me." if only Georgia knew that saying it was hurting her just as much. even if she believed it with everything in her, it didn't make things easier, in fact, it only made things harder because she could never be Georgia's right choice. even if it was all she ever wanted.
Georgia shook her head, "you dont get to decide that."
"neither do you." Samantha said. "you're choosing me because you're afraid to lose me but not because you want this. you don't want us." she continued and as much as Georgia was shaking her head to protest, she didn't stop. "you don't want what being with me means, you don't want the drama and the bomb that would implode in your life. its okay to want something easy and I can't be that for you." she could hear her heart breaking with every word.
"you don't know what I want." she shook her head and for the first time that night. tears began to fall from her eyes. tears that were making Samantha want to backtrack, tears that were directed toward her and she felt like the shittiest person ever. she wondered if Georgia ever felt that way when shed hurt her.
she couldn't stop herself anymore, Samantha cupped the woman's face like she had just done a minute ago. she wiped the blondes tears with her thumbs. "I know you want a good life for your kids. it's all you've ever wanted and I can't give you that." yet another thing she couldn't give her. "Paul can. Zion can. choose them but not me."
tears were still falling when Georgia shook her head. she gripped Samanthas arms with a tight grip. "we can make it work. well take it slow, we'll find a way but we'll make it work like we always have."
why was she making things so much harder? why couldn't she take the easy way out? she could choose Paul or Zion like she had been thinking about and Samantha wouldn't be angry, she was literally pushing her in their direction but of course the blonde had to put up a fight and make things more complicated. she couldn't just land in one of their arms but she had resist and push back.
Samantha pulled away and she couldn't help it as she ran a hand through her hair in a stressed out manner. "you don't believe that. you can't possibly believe that somehow this will work. if you did you wouldn't have dated Paul or done everything you could to make me leave."
Georgia groaned loudly and she angrily wiped at her tears with the back of her hand. "if this is about Paul, i choose you!"
why couldn't she understand? it wasn't about Paul or Zion or anyone, it was about her and Georgia and the fact that she couldn't be what she deserved, at least not at her moment in life.
"well don't! don't choose me! choose the guy who will bea good parent to your kids, who will help you financially and give you stability! choose the guy you've wanted to choose this whole time!" the words slipped out of her before she could stop herself. it wasn't something she meant to say, especially not when she knew the blonde would just deny it especially under the circumstances but it was too late now.
Georgias brows furrowed once more and her tears were slowly disappearing. "what are you talking about?"
Samantha sighed. "you love him Georgia. i don't know to what extent or when it happened but i know you love him."
"i don't love him. do you think id be here trying to make it work if i did?" she asked in disbelief.
Samantha wanted to roll her eyes but didn't. "you chose him. the night you went on that date you chose him so you being here and 'choosing me' it doesn't feel like it anymore."
Georgia scoffed, "i never chose him. i always did everything for us!" she exclaimed, her voice rising louder than it had all night. emotions were running high and they were both glad they were alone otherwise the two kids who live in the house would have heard the whole thing.
"stop lying to me!" Samantha matched her tone. "you didn't do this for me or for us. you did this because you wanted to. because you liked him and maybe you thought you could have us both."
Georgia was growing frustrated and it felt like no matter what she said, Samantha wouldn't understand what she wanted. ironically enough, Samantha felt the exact same way.
"i choose you! i want to be with you!" she practically yelled.
the sad truth was that she did believe her. she believed her more than she should because Georgia was choosing her. she was giving up the life she had once dreamed of with Zion for her. she was choosing her in spite of all the things she could have but Samantha wasn't sure if she wanted that anymore. what if Georgia ended up hating her? maybe not tomorrow or the next but what if someday, she looks back and realize she made a mistake when choosing her. the day she'll lose her best friend, her kids and her job, choosing a simple girl over all of that will make Georgia hate her and she wasn't ready for that. what if losing her was better than being hated by her?
"i don't want you to hate me." Samantha said softly as she took a step closer again and Georgia didn't pull away. she let her tears fall once more but Samantha didn't wipe them away because she knew there was no point in it.
"i could never hate you." the blonde responded with such sincerity that she wanted to believe her, she really did but what if she did hate her? how could she live with that?
"and in a couple of months from now when you realize that you lost everything, then what? when you realize that you made the wrong choice where does that leave me?"
Georgia pulled away from Samantha's touch and wiped away her tears. "you know i could never hate you." she repeated, although angrily this time. her patience had demolished and she was tired of having to repeat herself. "this isn't about me. this is about your ex, isn't it?" she asked her voice filled with venom.
Samantha was taken back by her words but she didn't dwell on them for long. Georgia was hurt and it was easier to blame anyone else instead of accept what she had done. the damage she had inflicted on Samantha and the fact that she couldn't trust her. not like this. not when their whole relationship had begun based off of a lie. "this isn't about it anyone else but us. all i want is to be with you. since the day we met i wanted to know what being loved by you would be like but if this is what it's like, i don't want it." she shook her head and that's when she couldn't hold back her tears anymore. she tried to blink them away but instead they ran down her face. she wiped them away just as quickly.
"i can't be with someone who chooses others over me. who chooses everyone else over us. i won't be with someone who can hurt me so easily, who can see my pain and turn in the other direction." she continued and she knew it was hurting Georgia by the way she kept looking everywhere but at her. she didn't want to hurt her but she needed to be honest. she needed her to know that she had hurt her and even if she chose her then it didn't erase all the pain she inflicted before. "your with me one night and the next your with him.
i needed you to fight for us just once but you couldn't even do that." she shrugged.
Georgia had nothing to say. everything Samantha had said was true and she knew there wasn't a way she could change the outcome of their conversation. even if it broke her heart. she couldn't hold back her cries anymore. "i can't offer you anything but this. this is the one thing i can do for you so let me do it."
she figured that the silence from the blonde was goodbye. that it was her way of saying that she was right and she didn't have anymore fight left in her. she couldn't blame her. not really. not when everything she said was true. not when she was probably realizing that being with Samantha wasn't for the best. so she took her silence as goodbye. even if she was why they had to say goodbye, it didn't make things any easier. she made her choice and she'd have to live with it. "i'm sorry." she said.
there was a small part of her. the tiniest part that wanted Georgia to not let her go. for her to pull her back and tell her that she wouldn't be giving up. that what they shared in the comfort of her bedroom, with just the two of them was worth it. that it didn't matter who found out or what could possibly happen to her because as long as she had Samantha it was all worth it. for her to fight just a little more.
Samantha looked at the blonde one last time, memorizing her features as if it would be the last time she'd ever see them again. as if they weren't already engraved into her memory because she was the most beautiful person she'd ever met. she didn't want this to be their last memory together. she wanted so much more but this was what she was stuck with. then she turned her body to leave.
but she didn't leave because in a second a hand was gripping her wrist preventing her from moving. "no." Georgia said firmly. Samantha turned to look at the blonde with obvious confusion.
"no what?" she asked not understanding what she meant. the blonde didn't answer with words but rather by grabbing the younger girls faces and pulling her into a kiss.
it was as if she had been pushed into a pool blindly. the air she needed to breathe had been yanked from her lungs and a hand was pulsing her heart as if it needed to be revived. as if her heart had stopped. everything she ever needed to live was suddenly answered. it wasn't anything else but the blonde she was being held by. when the shock had subsided, Samantha melted into the kiss like she had grown used to over the past months. she pulled the blonde closer by the back of her neck and let herself be guided by someone she once trusted blindly.
she had been deprived of this for just a week and it was already too much, how could she live without Georgia? how could she ever learn to live without her? to watch her with another man while knowing that she had been the reason they weren't together? how does one learn to live without a piece of their heart?
Samantha moved her lips softly against the blondes and she could faintly taste the saltiness from her tears but it didn't matter. it wasn't like their usual kisses, it was gentle and it felt like they were pouring everything they hadn't said for months in it. the love, the pain, the desperation was all shoved into one kiss.
when they pulled away, Georgia didn't let her get far as she rested her forehead against the raven girls. "i'll fight for you. i'll break up with Paul. i'll tell my kids, i'll do anything you want me to but don't give up. not yet."
it was the most tempting thought ever. telling the world, telling her kids and even telling Samantha's mom but it wasn't realistic. not without completely shattering so many lives. all for love? how could that be worth it? how could they selfishly live out a love that could hurt so many people and one of them in the process? it wasn't all or nothing. not really. Samantha could live up to what Georgia needed in a partner but it wasn't whether or not she could but if she would. what if she fought as much as she could only to not be what the blonde needed? what would she do then?
not another word was said between them because just like that, the door opened to reveal an ex boyfriend and the blondes two kids.
note!
a cliffhanger? whatttt?
okay so this was not at all what i was going to do at first but after a lot of thinking, this was the right route. i wanted to stick with the storyline of the show as much as possible but then i stopped and i was like, if yall wanted to see the show then you could just go and watch it lmao. so a lot of chapters from now on will be my own plot and it won't strictly follow the plot of the show.
anyway, do you guys have whiplash yet?
once again,
Alexandra or Georgia? (this time it will matter a little more)