Safest in your arms

nineteen

SAFEST IN YOUR ARMS
" what's wrong? "
{' JEALOUSY '}

JEALOUSY WAS A BITCH. it was time consuming, and possibly the most exhausting feeling to have. it made you lose sleep, ruin relationships and left you insecure and overthinking every little detail. it made you paranoid and almost made you feel crazy. jealousy almost made you feel weak, sometimes small and it didn't help relationships, it destroyed them.

jealousy wasn't always on Samantha's radar, her confidence and self assurance never really allowed her to be jealous. not with her first relationship and not with Alexandra who was her longest one. Alexandra never usually gave her a reason to be jealous, her reassurance was almost always enough. there were maybe a couple of times in which Alexandra would tease the girl to get a reaction out of her but it was never enough to harbor any insecurities. Alexandra only ever had eyes for her and anyone with two set of their could see that.

but none of that jealousy ever came close to how she felt for Georgia and Paul. she despised them. she couldn't control the way anger would bubble up inside of her when she looked at them or even just the mere thought of them being together. she was there first, she kissed Georgia first, she had her first so why did she feel like she didn't come close to him? it wasn't even his fault, it was Georgias, she was the one who decided to destroy them little by little. although even if she hadn't gotten with Paul, they didn't really stand a chance at being a normal couple, at least Samantha knew there was no one else. at least she didn't have to worry that they were fucking, that she was kissing Georgia while the blonde was still thinking of him, she didn't have to worry that Paul was making her fall in love. how could she deal with that? how could she compete with a man who had his life together and could give Georgia everything Samantha couldn't?

with jealousy came insecurities, ones that weighed heavily on a person, Samantha included.

after coming home and cleaning up a bit, Samantha went up to her room to try and get some sleep. after tossing and turning for almost two hours, she realized she wouldn't be able to sleep. all she could think about was Paul and Georgia. she hadn't checked to see if he was still there, too afraid of what the answer would be so she stared at her ceiling, hoping she'd grow tired and just fall asleep. unfortunately that never happened. her parents and siblings got home before she could even grow tired, she heard her mother lecturing them the second they got out of the car outside and Samantha knew she was in for a long one. when her mom popped her head into her room, she feigned being asleep so she wouldn't be on the receiving end of any yelling.

it wasn't until the sun was beginning to rise that she finally felt sleep consume her body. not that she got very many hours of sleep, she had to work at blue farm after lunch and although she could've slept in til at least eleven, her mom had other plans. her loud voice carried throughout the home, telling her kids that breakfast was ready in an unnecessarily loud tone. that was for her siblings, she knew that for a fact. not even a minute later Maxine and Marcus trudged out of their room, Maxine looked scared while Marcus looked hungover. Samantha on the other hand, tried her best to look as normal as possible. she kissed her mom and dad goodmorning like she always did. she should've expected her mom knowing something was wrong, she could read her kids like an open book after all. the blonde woman asked her eldest if everything was okay while she nodded and said she was just tired. her dark eye bags confirmed that she probably was tired but she looked sad and as much as her mom wanted to know why, she knew her daughter wouldn't tell her.