Hello Josiefeathergirl!
I am TERRIBLY sorry--I know you've been waiting since May 28, 2011 for this review!
So! I love the element, right off the bat, of the fact that you have an FTM (Female-to-Male) transgendered character!
Just be careful and very specifically revise your story, especially the spelling. You sometimes aren't consitent, calling Mary "Marry" instead by accident, as well as Peeta "Petta". Also, be careful around the past & present tenses. Past tense sounds a lot better with a story, so if you have the patience, try to rewrite it in past tense.
Example:
PRESENT TENSE (Chapter 2, pg.1)
"Ouch!" she turns around with a pouty face, but her hazel eyes are smiling.
PAST TENSE (Edited version^)
"Ouch!" she turned around with a pouty face, but her hazel eyes were smiling.
Something that really confuses me:
Why is Abigail thirteen, swearing and talking about homecoming? I thought 13 = Middle school?
"Home coming" was a confusing chapter ... I just didn't really understand the dialogue.
A good tip when writing is to not just make long lists of who is in the scene without describing them first. Describe them a little at a time, show the relationship between the characters a little more. In my mind, I don't comprehend how you can call your friend a "b*tch". Try to explain the realtionship between the main character & her friends. Also, because of the FTM character, as a reader, I am questioning the true identities of the other characters.
AHHH CHARACTER TEXTING! Annoys me soooo much!!
Example of easier to follow character texting:
Character 1: [insert text here]
Character 2: [instert text here]
Character 1: [insert text here]
Character 1: [insert text here]
Character 2: [insert text here]
Bottom line--please indicate which character is texting. Not to mention who!
As a reader when the characters got back together, my reaction was: "OMG YAY!!!" and then "WHAT ABOUT HER PARENTS?!?!?!"
Clichés note: Try not to use clichés in a story if you're new to it. Clichés often make or break a story... they usually break it. The cliché you use here was the one where the "main character thinks she's ordinary but everybody tells her she's beautiful/has a beautiful feature." You could turn around the cliché a little bit by saying that ONLY Matt complimented her hair. She could still think it's ordinary, but it creates an atomsphere if only Matt is complimenting Abigail on a certain aspect of her.
Something I am coming to dislike about the characters is the fact that as a reader, I've retained in mind the fact that they're thirteen, and super sweary-sassy. They also have a negativity to them. Always swearing, Abigail being frustrating--she could have turned down the music but instead she makes her girlfriend uncomfortable and turns it up, Matt always calling Abigail a perv. It was kind of cute the first time, i guess, but after that it was just weird. THIS IS GREAT THOUGH. The fact that you make me get a negativity from Abigail and then state in an author's note that she IS morbid, is GREAT!
MENTAL HIGH FIVE!! I KNOW WHAT HOMESTUCK IS!!!
NICE. :D AWESOME PLOT TWIST! Off to the psych ward!
Overall:
I didn't enjoy the beginning as much, I was extremely confused, but at one point, I had gotten HOOKED. The psych ward and learning about her problems is probably what really made the reader get the gist of it and stay hooked. Good job, keep going, REVISE REVISE REVISE! Ask somebody to read the chapter before posting!
Date: 31 March 2013