Everyone looked at me as if I've lost my mind. As if I've just confessed to committing a horrific, unforgivable crime. All eyes were on me, and that didn't help with the chaos taking place in my stomach as nerves bubbled everywhere inside me. The only thing holding me in place is Ashton's hand in mine. For a second I felt myself falling. Just for a second, his hand was limp as the words left my mouth. But just as I was ready to fall to the ground, Ashton's grip tightened again, his thumb stroking my skin in the softest touch. I inhaled a long, deep breath and looked back at Melissa.
"I'm not terminating the pregnancy. I'm keeping the baby," I said again, with a shaky breath. I saw how Melissa slowly nodded her head. "But I can't raise it."
It's as if you've just pricked a balloon with a needle and let all the air whoosh out. Carol breathed in as she clasped and unclasped her hands. Melissa straightened her posture as she nodded her head in understanding. And Ashton....well, he was still stroking my hand that was clasped in his, nothing changed in his posture. I was thankful for that.
"You want to put the baby up for adoption?" Melissa asked.
"Yes, I think that's best."
Carol looked at Melissa as they both shared a look.
"Okay. Well, in this case I'll just give you an adoption agency's contact information and from there you can work it out. Since you're early in your pregnancy, you might wait for just before the baby is born or if you'd prefer, you can start from now choosing the parents you prefer for the baby and the conditions of the adoption."
Melissa passed me a paper with some names and numbers. I thanked her and placed it in my pocket.
"I guess that's it then. Just make sure to take your vitamins and take care of yourself. If you need anything, I'm a call away," Melissa smiled.
Thanking her, I gave her a hug and then exited her office with Ashton still holding my hand and Carol in front of us.
"Hey," Ashton's voice snapped me from my thoughts. "You okay?"
I tilted my head to the side. My eyes met his, full of confusion and curiosity. I knew I wasn't helping him with being silent and distant. The moment Carol dropped us at his apartment, I headed straight to the bedroom and lied on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I was thankful that Ashton hadn't tried to talk to me at that moment. He just joined me on the bed, staring up at the dull ceiling as well. But after twenty or so minutes of just staring and quiet, I guess it was time we broke the silence.
"I'm fine. I just feel like all energy I had has been drained out of my body," I mumbled, rubbing my face with my hands.
I heard Ashton let out a low chuckle, then he heaved a long breath and sighed. Letting my hands drop from my face, I flipped over onto my side to fully face my tired-looking boyfriend.
"Sorry if that got awkward or hard for you. I know it sounded scary at first, like I was saying I'm going to keep the baby and raise it."
Ashton gave me a small smile, his fingers brushing away strands of my hair.
"I'm sorry if I scared you. I felt you tense. Whatever decision you make, I'll be by your side. I know there's no easing into this subject, so we just have to be there for one another."
Despite my tiredness and deflated mood, I found myself really smiling. The kind that blooms onto your face without you noticing how big and meaningful it really is until the person you're directing it to mirrors that same smile, making your insides mush into a mixture of nothingness. Not having any words to say to him, I leaned in and pressed a long, soft, full of every emotion kiss. Ashton sighed the moment I pulled back, his hands wrapped around my waist to pull me closer to him.
"God Sam. I don't know what you do to me," he whispered against my ear.
For some reason, I felt myself blush. Shy little me, I hid my face deeper into Ashton's chest.
"Can we just nap?" I mumbled, feeling droopy.
"Yeah, I guess," came Ashton's lazy reply. I knew then that he was also sleepy. So in the few seconds after his words were uttered, I found myself slowly falling asleep.
The rest of the day was spent lazing in the apartment. None of us felt energized enough to go out or to hop in the car and spend some time at Carol's. We decided to stay in the apartment and try to relax. We were lying on the couch, Ashton's arm around my shoulders as my head lay on his chest. It was chilly, so I wore one of Ashton's hoodies. I probably looked like a mess.
"Christmas is near," Ashton suddenly said.
I looked up at him, surprised at his words. Has so many weeks really passed?
"Really? God, I forgot."
Ashton sat up a bit, moving me with him.
"It was bound to slip your mind. Anyway, my mom will probably host some big dinner with all our relatives coming over. You think you can make it or would you rather skip?"
Looking up into his eyes, I knew he was antsy for my reply to be positive. I couldn't deprive him of a Christmas dinner as well. Truthfully, I never had a proper Christmas dinner. As that crossed my mind, I remembered something important. Something that under no circumstance should slip my mind. If Christmas is approaching, then that means my dad's death anniversary was also approaching.
"Hey, what is it?"
Shaking my head to rid myself from thinking of something that might upset me, I attempted to smile at Ashton.
"I just remembered that my dad's death anniversary is also approaching, that's all," I shrugged, my fingers fiddling with the strings of Ashton's hoodie.
"Oh Sam, I'm sorry I brought it up," Ashton groaned, grimacing as realization hit him.
"No, no, it's fine. I just thought how the last time I had a proper Christmas dinner was with my dad and then from there, it hit me that his anniversary is approaching."
Ashton placed a soft kiss on my forehead, "Sorry I had to bring it up."
"It's fine. And I think I'd be able to make it. I don't want to skip on your mom's festivities," I chuckled.
"Seriously?" Ashton exclaimed, his eyes dancing with glee.
"Yeah," I nodded.
"Great. Hey, maybe you can help with the cooking. I know how much it relaxes you, and Christmas cooking must be fun for a chef like you."
I laughed at that, fully laughed.
"If your mom wouldn't mind, then I'd love to help with Christmas dinner," I grinned, already excited for the day to come. I do love Christmas cooking. Everything's so colorful and cheerful about it.
"Awesome, I'll text mom." And he did just that as he typed away on his phone. And not a minute later, Carol replied, loving that we'll make it and excited that someone who can cook can help her with Christmas dinner.
The next day, Melissa had emailed me a few links and contact details of adoption agencies which I'd be interested in. I read through the information of each agency and just as Melissa said, I emailed them and explained to them my situation and what I'd like to do. Ashton left for his shift at the garage. He knew I'd be busy with this for some time so he wasn't hesitant in leaving. It's been two hours and I still wasn't done. I narrowed down my options to the the four agencies which I found best. One of the agencies had sent me a list of possible families I can choose to adopt the baby. I printed out their forms and all the information they've left so I could read through them and maybe come to a decision. It might seem too soon.
Lunch time came and a few minutes later Ashton walked through the door. His shirt was covered in grease as well as his jeans. I made him go take a shower while I heated some food Carol had packed for us. When he was done we sat and ate our lunch, me telling Ashton what I've accomplished so far with the adoption agencies, and him telling me some laughter-worthy tales about the happenings at the garage.
After washing the dishes, we sprawled on the sofa, TV on a random channel. I was halfway through falling asleep when the doorbell suddenly rang, springing us both awake. Moving my head from Ashton's chest, he got up to see who it was. As he opened the door, a familiar figure popped in. Her eyes sad-looking, not her usual preppy self.
"Anna, what's wrong?"
She looked at her brother sadly as she shrugged a shoulder.
"Aaron and I had a fight," she mumbled, "I thought Sam can help."
I looked at her surprised. Me? How could I possibly help? Reluctantly I beckoned her over as I reassured her with a kind smile. So, both brother and sister approached to the couch. Ashton sat behind me as we were sitting before Anna rang the bell. Anna sat in front of us, pulling the sofa chair close.
"What did he do? Did he hurt you? I swear to god, I don't care that he's my friend, I'll pummel him," Ashton growled out.
"Ashton. Stop. He didn't hurt me. He wouldn't do that," Anna sniffed.
So she's been crying.
"What is it honey?"
Anna looked at me, defeated. She ran her fingers through her hair and puffed out a breath.
"We were talking about Christmas and how I'd like him to meet mom and the family," Anna started. "And then the subject shifted to his family and I said I'd like to meet his family. He said no straight away and then he got angry when I pressed on the subject."
Ashton beside me let out a breath. I knew if it were worse he'd really feel bad that he'd have to confront his friend.
"Oh Anna. Aaron isn't close to his family. It's the worst subject for him," I explained as she teared up.
Her eyes welling with tears.
"I know. But it sometimes feels like he isn't even interested in telling them that he has me as his girlfriend," she mumbled with tears.
I stretched forward, my hands holding hers as I felt sad for the preppy and joyful girl. But I felt worse for Aaron.
"Anna, I'm one hundred percent sure that he's dying to introduce you to his family. But sweetie, his family isn't pleasant. His dad will take any chance to put him down, to be-little him. It's always been that way for Aaron. Maybe he's scared you'd be intimidated. Maybe he wants you to be the only one who doesn't see the malicious part of his life. Give him time."
Anna by now had tears running down her face, her fingers swiping at the tears. I leant forward and wrapped my arms around her.
"I just wish he'd be more open with me," she hiccuped. "I just want to show his family that Aaron is no failure."
My own eyes teared up as I rubbed her back, Anna's face in my neck.
"Oh Anna, I'm so sorry you feel this way," I whispered close to her ear.
"Anna, you gotta talk to him. You need to tell him how you feel about this. I'm sure he feels bad," Ashton said, trying to help his sister.
"Ugh. I know, I know," Anna huffed, wiping her eyes as she pulled back from my arms.
"He's really vulnerable when it comes to the subject. But I'm sure you guys can work it out," I reassured her, rubbing my hand over her knee in a caring gesture.
"Thanks guys. I didn't want to go home and be questioned by mom," she muttered.
Ashton chuckled from behind me, his arm wrapping loosely around me.
"We all know how persistent she gets."
Both siblings laughed. And I smiled along, always admiring how they both seemed to understand one another.
"I guess I should go. I'll drop by the house and then I'll go talk to Aaron. Thanks Sam."
Anna got out of her seat and embraced me in a sisterly hug.
"Always," I smiled at her.
She bid her brother good bye and then left. Ashton and I went back to the couch.
"Poor guy. I didn't think it's that bad," Ashton said, his head resting back on the back of the couch.
"He never spoke about it with you?" I wondered.
Shaking his head, Ashton responded, "No, he never wants to talk about it. All I was told was that he had no strong relation with his family. I never wanted to pry."
Sighing, I dropped my head down onto his chest.
"I really hope they work it out."
Wrapping his arms tightly around me, Ashton breathed out a breath.
"I never thought I'd be saying this concerning my sister and a guy, but me too."