"Let's go, come on. We are best friends, you have to go with me." Jaemin says to a pouty Haechan.
"Why would i want to go and watch you hook up with people?" Jaemin frowns then makes a duh face.
"Because you can hook up with someone too." He exclaims excitedly.
"I don't want to . I don't want random strangers dicks in me." Jaemin snickers.
"I still can't believe you bottom, I never took you for the type." Haechan stands angrily.
"What are you implying Jaem? What exactly is the type? If it wasn't for people like us, what would you do then?" He scoffs and grabs his things.
"You are so blind to how the world works, you only see you, you selfish son of a bitch." He walks out of Jaemin's place with a slam of the door. He's at a loss, he can't understand why Haechan is acting this way.
"I don't know what I did? He won't answer my calls, for some fucking reason he hates me?" Jeno shakes his head.
"He doesn't hate you, he just knows you are an idiot and he's finally calling you out on it." Jaemin punches his arm.
"You are not helping." Jeno shakes his head and stands to leave.
"Maybe he's just tired of seeing you whore yourself out every weekend." Jaemin frowns with a small pout.
"Is that what you guys really think of me?" Jeno shakes his head.
"Does it matter? What does it matter what any of us think of you? You are always going to do what pleases you Jaemin. You can't even open your fucking eyes long enough to see how bad you are hurting the one person in your life who has given you everything, who would die for you and because you can't see it, you are losing it. You could have had it all man, could have had everything but you are fucking blowing it." Jaemin falls back onto his couch in thought. Why would his sex life hurt Haechan? He curls up into a ball, his thoughts running wild in his head.
By the end of the week Jaemin is not the same person he was. He is a shell of himself and is so lost without Haechan in his life. He's a fucking grown ass man and he can't survive without his best friend. He still tries to call him but never expects a response. He finally decides, "fuck it." He will be fine on his own, he will go to the club and find someone to fuck, it will certainly take his mind off things.
It isn't all it's cracked up to be. It had to have been one of the least satisfying hook ups he's ever had. Now he's just pissed, at least before he could complain to his best friend about it. He quickly kicks them out and rips the sheets off his bed. He throws them in the washer and puts it on the hottest setting he can and takes a hot shower. Jeno and Haechan's words are affecting him in ways he never thought possible. He feels dirty, he feels shame.
A few days later he is reminded of Mark's birthday party. Of course it's at the club, so maybe he will try again.
He finds his group and quickly spots Haechan sitting by Renjun. He looks happy enough. I guess That's what happens when you just walk out of your best friends life. He walks over, completely intent on ignoring him but as soon as eye contact is made he sees a sadness wash over his face that makes his heart die a little. Haechan walks toward him and holds his hand out to shake. Jaemin takes his soft fingers in his own and smiles softly.
"I'm sorry Jaemin. I shouldn't try to control you or your lifestyle. How you live isn't up to me, after all, I'm just your friend." Jaemin frowns. Why does this apology feel so weighted down?
"I'm sorry too." Haechan forces a smile.
"You did nothing wrong, really. I was in a shitty place and took it out on you." Jaemin smiles awkwardly. He should know why he was in a shitty place but he feels like it's none of his business. He feels like Jeno was right and he's losing one of the most important things in his life. He spends his night watching him out of the corner of his eye. Missing him, his constant companionship was like his life line before.
When him and Renjun hit the dance floor his heart speeds up and he doesn't know why. He watches men and women grind into him and his stomach turns. He isn't doing anything Jaemin wouldn't, so why does it hurt so bad?" He slams a couple drinks and ends up dancing near them. He can hear someone hitting on him and he's angry. He walks up and taps the person on the shoulder.
"Don't talk to him asshole." Jaemin says surprising Haechan and Renjun completely.
"Maybe you should go drink a glass of water Jaem." Renjun suggests.
"What are you doing Jaemin? Go get fucked, literally, you will feel better." Haechan grabs the hand of the guy and drags him into the crowd. Jaemin is crushed and he doesn't know why. He leaves the club this night with what he can assume is a broken heart.
Jaemin was and always will be known as the person always up for a good party and a good fuck so when after two weeks of turning down his friends for even the simplest of things, like dinner, they know something is wrong. It's quite obvious that he is sad that him and his best friend haven't properly spoken in almost a month but it's more than that too.
When he gets home from work this night he sees Haechan leaning on the wall outside his apartment but nothing changes.
"Hi Jaem." He says softly, getting an even softer response.
"Can we talk?" Haechan asks as Jaemin shakes his head no.
"I have someone waiting." He says pointing to his apartment. Hurt flashes across Haechan's face and even though he doesn't show it, Jaemin knows. Haechan just nods and walks away while Jaemin goes inside and destroys even more of his life. He smashes a few dishes to the floor that were left sitting dirty on his coffee table. He deleted the messages left in his voicemail from his other friends without listening to them. He's completely shutting down and they've noticed but he keeps them at arms length.
He goes to his refrigerator and sees nothing in it yet again so he orders take out and just sits, staring at the wall while waiting. His head has been swimming lately, telling him things that he doesn't understand. His heart has been aching and his head is telling him it's because he lost the person he loves but he can't believe it. He doesn't think he's capable of love.
When the doorbell rings he answers it blindly, he knows it will be his food. Of course it isn't, it's him.
"Go away, I said I have company." He tries to shut the door but Haechan won't let him.
"Don't, god Damnit! I want this over with, I don't care if your latest fuck hears what I have to say." Jaemin finally steps back a bit and Haechan pushes the rest of the way in and closes the door. He tries not to make it obvious that he's looking around for some slut, he sees no one.
"I'm sorry Jaemin, I fucked up. I fucked us up. Just please come back to me. I need you in my life." Haechan says in tears. Jaemin scoffs as he wipes his own tears.
"You left me, you wouldn't answer my calls or texts. Why, because I'm a fucking whore? I'm so fucking sorry that I'm not perfect like you." Both are a mess at this point.
"I left because I was tired of hurting. I was holding something deep inside me and every time you were with someone it was like you stabbed me right in the heart. I wanted to be that person. Jaemin I love you, I have since we were young and you never saw me and I fucked up because that isn't on you. It's not your fault you don't feel the same. I'm sorry for ignoring you but I had to step back. I hope one day you can forgive me." As Haechan turns to leave Jaemin falls back onto his couch and covers his face. Haechan opens the door but before he can walk out Jaemin starts talking.
"I never thought I was capable of love, hell I never knew what it was, until you walked away. Every time I slept with another person I was chasing something that I didn't know I had right beside me. I didn't know that what I feel for you is love until you weren't there. You always made me whole, I didn't realize until you weren't there. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a whore, I'm sorry for being oblivious but mostly I'm sorry that I don't deserve you." He sobs into his hands as Haechan is wiping his River of tears. He shakes his head no and walks to him, he gets on his knees and takes his hands off his face and kisses them.
"You were living the only way you knew how and I get that, you will never, not deserve me. I will always be by your side. I will never leave you alone again, trust me, it was hell for me too. Jaemin I love you." He finally looks in his eyes, snot dripping out of his nose, puffy red face and all.
"You really do? Because I miss you like crazy and I want you back, I want to be good for you, to be someone worthy of you." Jaemin says making Haechan pout. He leans up and softly kisses his lips. He hesitantly responds.
"Will you stay here, now, t-today? I want to be with you." Jaemin asks softly.
"Of course.