Hazels P.O.V
I've never felt something so heavy, weighing me down before.
I've grown to feel something heavy on my chest, a lump hard for me to swallow but I've never had a reason to feel the certain way, I was lost, unable to understand the way I felt.
Today, I felt the exact same feeling, as to something so heavy, so hard for me to speak up about yet today I knew why. There was something that I understood, I felt and I somehow yet believed to be true.
It killed me, along with bodies that were worth lives to live. It killed the trust someone had in me.
It killed the trust I had for someone and it all went into flames, the trust that I've longed to grow, to build and yet it all came bursting down burning the home I've built for myself.
I was burning in his hell that he set for us.
" Ma'am? "
" Mmm " I nodded
" Please answer the question. "
" I- I'm sorry, can you please repeat the question for me. "
" Do you have proof as to what led you here today? "
" N-no not that I'm aware of. " I lied fidgeting with my fingers.
" Where were you May two thousand and fourteen? "
" I- I'm not sure, probably back home. Yeah home. "
I assured.
" Please clarify where home is to you. "
" Canada, Ontario. " I squirmed
", and who were you with at that time? "
" My mom and my sister. "
" , and how is it that you remember exactly who you were with? "
He interrogated.
" I lost my brother that year, I remember that year by the back of my mind. "
" Where was your dad at the time? "
" He um he left us during that period of time, he needed a break. "
" Great, that gives us the clarification we need. " The police officer turned to the detective or who ever his position was.
A look of disgust was written all over my face and I knew they heard how demeaning they sounded.
" Ma'am, I know how you must've heard it but that's not intentionally what I meant. "
" I want to leave. " I stood up to my feet pushing the police officer that guarded the door clutching onto me from running out.
" Let me go! " I hissed tugging his hand off of me as I stood furthest away from him as I began to breathe hysterically.
" Ma'am. " The police officer held me to help me stand up but only led me to panic more than I already had.
" Don't touch me! " I hissed clutching onto my head held by my arms as I knelt down.
" Shes having an attack, get me someone" He walked out of the room hollering aloud reminding everyone that I had severe anxiety.
" I want to see her! " I heard Valery crying to them.
" We're very sorry ma'am but she needs to be held without any outside interactions. " The police officer spoke.
" You don't get it! She's got anxiety and locking her up like that isn't going to do her any good! " Valery hissed at them.
I heard Melanie and Blake involved as well but I had no strength in me to overhear anything. I wanted to breathe and being locked up in this investigation room didn't make it any better.
I counted over and over until they provided a therapist to help soothe and release the tension I had in me, the tension that they built in me.
Though what they didn't know is that having a therapist with me only built up the tension more than there already was. I always feared therapists ever since dad warned me from going to one. Aaron was the only way, the only source of me going to therapy. All he did was act like he was the one with the mental issues while I sat listening to him ramble off about his anxiety symptoms that were truly mine.
" Hazel, isn't it? " The therapist asked as if she had no background information about me.
I froze afraid that I'll speak or react a certain way that might trigger me into an attack though what I keep forgetting is that fear was what made me panic.
" I've heard the position that you've been put in and I'm terribly sorry for that. " She spoke again though just proved my point.
Background information.
" and yet you don't know my name. " I spoke.
" It's my way of being able to reach out to you and get you to talk to release the pain that you're going through. "
" I'm sorry ma'am, but that isn't a way to get me to talk or to release my pain. As a therapist shouldn't you know not to push a patient into talking or to lock them up. "
" Laws orders. " She stated apologetically.
" Your moms here. " She spoke making me stiff, building up the tension I just released.
" My moms dead. "
" I'm sorry, your guardian I guess, Anna. "
" Mmm. " I nodded feeling less tensed knowing she was here and will find a way to fix this knowing she hated when I was being pushed into something.
" Do you want to speak with her? "
" Yes. " I answered instantly without second thought.
" I'll try to sort something out. " She smiled leaving me in the same shady grey room that smelled like paint.
It took her five to ten minutes for her to get back, leaving the door open for Anna to rush in to me her smile lightened with empathy for me, worry.
I burst out in tears as if a baby has just seen his mother. I cried from guilt, I cried from pain, I cried from abandonment, I cried from fear, and I cried from loss.
" Baby, you're okay. I'll make sure to take you home. "
" I swear, I just knew. "
" Shhh, I know honey I know. "
" I don't want to though, I don't want to say it. I don't want to believe it. "
" Tell them what you can give and we'll work on the rest. "
" I don't want to be interrogated. It triggers me. " I wiped my face.
" Haz, talk to me. They won't interrogate you though they'll be outside listening. "
I sat quietly not a single word for me to say.
" That's if you want to Hazel. "
" Mm, " I nodded
" Take your time. " She smiled.
" I went downstairs to dads room looking for a box that I once found under his bed. It felt like nothing though it was gone once I had gone to check it. Yesterday, I went looking for it again, and I did find it, though what I found was this paper that seemed ripped out from somewhere. It was crumbled. I opened it, it said. "
My voice broke.
" May 25th, 2014
It was him, he killed them. "
" and- aand there was a photo of the car in the box, " I began sobbing hugging Anna who also began to sob with me knowing that it wasn't just me and Valery that were betrayed and hidden from, it was her too.
The therapist and the investigator walked in minutes later to catch more information which Anna declined to, telling them that she asked for me to do what they asked her to do and that was it. She promised that we'll answer further questions just not in the state that I'm in.
I sucked in a breathe walking out of the police station guilt gushing through my veins as if a person just being let gone from jail for a ten year sentence. I sucked in a breathe hurt and afraid from what I'll see through their eyes though there were no eyes to look into but Valerys.
" Hazel " She ran up to hug me mirroring me, her eyes swollen and red.
" I'm sorry. " I sobbed wrapping my arms around her knowing that she's all I got left.
Sitting in the passenger seat, Anna spoke ashamed by the look of defeat that was present in my eyes knowing I was held captive for someone else's guilt, someone else's crime.
" They wanted to believe you Hazel, they tried but with the state they were in they couldn't and I'm sorry for that honey. I believe you, I do. "
I had nothing in me to respond, to speak or to react.
I was dead but somehow, alive.
I was alive but somehow dead.
Numb is how I felt, darkness is what I saw.
It felt like my life was coming to an end though it was all a beginning to endless lies, the hidden truth.
Instead of having million thoughts running through my mind, I had none, I felt numb in every way possible unable to make a move, phased out.
I was broken and the one who broke me was my own father.
We were broken and the one to break our hearts was the only person we had left in this world.
" I'll send you both your lunch to your rooms. " Anna stated but I had no power in me to answer her.
" Mmm, thanks. " Valery thanked her, her voice hoarse.
I ran up to my room ignoring everything surrounding me, all I knew is that I wanted to be locked up where I left everything, everything I had left.
Locking the door, I turned to my bed to find nothing, it was gone.
Hardly breathing I rushed to my open drawer to find mom's journal gone as well.
" No no no no no no!! "
I cried falling to my feet as I cried myself to sleep on the floor.
* * *
" Hazel, wake up. " Anna woke me to take my pills as she found me laying on the floor her cheeks wet.
" I'm not taking them. " I stated boldly, and yet that was enough for Anna to stop and to leave.
Seconds later the door knocked revealing Alessandro as he opened the door after his first knock. I still stood my grounds as if the door hadn't been just opened.
" Hazel "
I said nothing.
" Haz "
Again, nothing.
" Hazel please. "
Nothing.
" I've already lost you once. I don't want to lose you again. Please talk to me. " He pleaded
Aless was always perfect, he was there for me from day one though I denied everything surrounding me. My body was frozen, my mind still hasn't established it all though it seems like It did perfectly but not yet.
Though usually I'd say I need time but I know that I need far more than time to recover from what I've processed. Aless would have to wait for me to talk again, that's if I ever will.
Though not everyone will wait for you, people get fed up with your negativity and at some point will leave you behind and you'll have yourself to blame and that's what Aless did, he gave up leaving me to the dark cold room I was in.
I laid there thinking of every word my mom wrote in that journal, everything she knew and how had to be held captive for what dad has done, she felt the guilt though she had nothing to do with it, she wanted out. I laid there thinking of Aaron's letter. It all made sense now, why he threatened dad, why he spoke with hatred and disgust, and why he chose to leave.
We were blindfolded the whole time.
I stood up standing straight to the mirror while turning on the lights, I looked straight back at the reflection and only felt pity for the girl I saw, no wonder everyone sympathized her, no wonder why she was weak and vulnerable. Her eyes reaked of darkness, before you'd see something, even the slightest spark though now, you'd see nothing.
There was no energy left in me, I felt wiped out and for me to feel the slightest bit of peace I'd sleep and so that's what I had energy for.
To be waken up by a nightmare was terrifying, but to be waken up by a nightmare that was reality was agonizing.
I woke up to Valery sitting on my bed her eyes puffy and swollen as she held herself from crying.
" Valery? " my voice came out raspy and sleepy.
She sat there speechless which only led me to fear more to what was going on.
" Val, what's going on? " I sat up facing her.
" It's- it's dad. They have him at the station and they need us there -aand I don't want to see him in that state Hazel. I don't want to believe what he's done. He can't- he wouldn't have. I know he won't. "
She began to sob half way.
I held it in me and acted like I wasn't terrified going back there. I knew I had to be the bigger person now for her to feel safe.
" Valery, he already did. We might not know anything about it but we know that's he's done it and that there's nothing we can change about it. You don't have to go if you don't want to and if you want me here with you I don't mind staying. "
" It's mandatory, we have no choice. "