Hazels P.O.V
" Hunt is my last name Hazel. "
He hissed stoping himself midway.
" Okay, but that doesn't mean anything to us. "
" It does to me. " He stated.
" It does, but I don't think it means anything here at this point. Do you remember living here? "
" No, I don't. We moved to a lot of places as a kid so I really can't remember. "
" Besides even if it were, we still don't know anything about the addresses and what they link to. " Tyler added.
" Times getting late, we should head now so that we can reach the other place. " Tyler instructed us all as we packed in the car.
Seth stood his feet stuck to the ground.
" Seth, we can go back and ask more if you want to. "
He just gazed back at me.
" You know incase you want to make sure? " I continued.
" No, lets go. "
I tried tugging on to him but he yanked his arm and headed to the car as I stood struck to my feet.
It hit me that I knew basically nothing about them and yet respected them, trusted them and believed them with it trying, hoping not to cross a boundary. Though I didn't realize that they didn't trust or believe in me to tell me what went on between them. I see it, yet i don't know.
They saw me, and what was going on and they knew, but I- I didn't and somehow it got to me now knowing I barely know these people.
I couldn't even recognize one of their last names and yet I've been feeling like I'm a best friend to them for a long time, maybe they didn't feel that same way.
I breathed out for my own sake, not to panic and stepped in the car to head to our next destination that still crumbled my stomachs insides to the highest.
The thoughts explored my mind. It relieved me in a way I never thought would. I was anxious and it was getting to me that mom possibly meant nothing through what she left in the notebook and maybe it was all a delusion in her mind and it relieved her to rant out what she thought in her way. It frightened me that the one path that could lead me to something was left, no trace and knowing I had something else to think about relaxed me thought it got me tense around the people I thought of as friends.
That's what it feels like to have anxiety. One moment you're happy, safe, and alive, the next you're sad, insecure and dead inside.
At times you can feel it all at once and no one would believe you. You can trust and in a moment a thought passes by reckoning everything you've built up.
" Hazel. " Melanie called for what seemed like three times.
" Mm, sorry. " I dozed off nodding.
" You okay? You seem tensed. "
" I'm fine. " I nodded sounding cold and pushy so I added in a whispered tone.
" thanks "
The car came to a halt.
" We're here. "
Tyler and Seth both stepped out as soon as the car came to a halt, while the rest were waiting for me to open my side door to step out.
" Melanie, open your side of the door. I need to breathe. "
I blurted
" Haz- "
" Please. "
With that being said everyone followed behind Melanie as her and Valery stepped out.
Alec was the last to step out, he froze on his way out and turned to check if I wasn't having an attack.
A glance my way and I was left alone in the car.
I was scared, I didn't want to lose hope.
I wanted to believe what mom said in her notebook. I wanted her to mean what she said so I wouldn't live with the burden of her hatred towards me.
I wanted to know why I was despised, I needed to know about her past that she saw through my eyes.
I didn't want it to disappear, I wanted the truth and am afraid I wouldn't get it.
I breathed in and let a breathe out trying to receive the courage to face it, whatever it was.
I stepped out to everyone staring at what seemed like a four open street road meaning it was an open question, what seemed like a dead end.
I broke down, in a way no one knew.
I broke down within, hiding it from everyone else.
I broke down, knowing I had no answer.
I broke down knowing I was left hated and despised.
I broke down knowing all the questions came back to me, unanswered.
My anxiety did the work for me and turned me against everyone else, and I-
I had no control.
" Thank god, it didn't turn out to be one of somebody else's last names. " I whispered quietly, in a way only for them to weakly hear, turning my way back to the car.
" Hazel! " Valery scolded but I ignored.
" What do you mean by that? Hazel. "
Seth asked me his jaw ticking.
" Does it matter? " I turned to him a fake smile on myself that hid a broken one.
" It does. "
" It doesn't seem like it. "
" Hazel, you can talk to us. " Seth's eyes softened when he saw the look on my face and completely saw through it, through me.
" It doesn't seem like it. Ever since I came I've been worried I wouldn't be able to let go and open up that I forgot that It had to go both ways. I trusted you guys with every bone to my body, and through it all you reminded me I had to. Alec, Tyler you both got upset that I didn't and it got me to believe that I should.
I let my guards down for you guys and you basically know everything about me, and I came to realize that I barely know anything about you guys. "
" We never tried to push you into it. We were trying to understand in order for us to help you out. "
Alec for once spoke straight to me after the neglecting that's been going both ways.
I took a breathe in and spoke my mind out to all of them for once, and maybe my anxiety was the one doing the talking for me at the moment but I stand upon whatever it has me thinking.
" Don't you think I've been trying to understand you guys as well for me. I've seen the tension between the whole group when I'm gone. At times I see your true selves together but half of the time you act like strangers to each other.
It just makes me feel more lost than I already am and for once I want to understand everything surrounding me, I don't want to stand strayed and lost anymore. "
" Hazel, - " Blake was about to stop me noticing the tension that was raised once I started talking but Tyler stopped him to it.
" She deserves to know. " Tyler nodded him off as he referred us to across the road where there was a small park, we all followed behind silently.
I hated that I pushed them into it.
I always wanted for them to trust me to tell me but for once I felt like I needed to know the way they knew everything about me.
I hated that I pushed them into trusting me, something I never thought I'd do.
Half way through walking across the street I stopped in the middle of the road which wasn't a brilliant idea though, my mind took over and I had no control over it.
I froze, midway.
" Tyler. " I called my feet stuck to the road.
" Hazel! " Alec called me pulling me from the road that was empty yet he still pulled me from standing half way through out it.
" What were you thinking? " he hissed at me in worry though it still came out harsh straight to my face.
I didn't care that he hissed, I only cared about what he said because I myself had no clue what I was thinking.
I never do when I get anxious.
It's like I'm lost and I need someone to pull me out of it, yank me, tell me I'm okay, but instead I was asked:
What were you thinking?
" if only I knew. " I sadly smiled tears forming in my eyes realizing how subtle I sounded.
" I don't want to know anymore, not like this anyway. "
I claimed.
They all turned to me looks of surprise on their faces, others empathy but a look of knowing crossed all of their eyes. Tyler stood there as he turned to the side his back to us as we crossed back to the car.
As soon as I sat in the car I laid my head in between my hands and ran my fingers through my hair.
It was triggering to me,
the fact that my mind had control over me,
how the thoughts could change within a second.
It triggered me knowing the thoughts sound true but mostly are there to make me feel the way I do when sometimes there's nothing for me to act that way.
It feels like your mind collapses with all of these strange thoughts that make you feel insecure even with the people you trust the most, and it makes you believe these thoughts to the point you doubt everyone but yourself.
I began to hyperventilate and I knew it was coming, the thing is once it's triggered and you feel it coming, it gets worse, you can't stop it.
I tried breathing in and out but my lungs felt sucked in to the point there was no air left for me to breathe.
" Haz, you're okay. Take deep breathes in bit by bit. " Valery affirmed me.
The car was quiet, no one spoke, Tyler even had to stop by the nearest shop to get me ice cubes in a cup.
I stepped out of the car taking an ice cube in each hand.
" Why ice? " Valery asked Tyler.
" It activates the divers reflex which lowers heart rate and breathing. " He answered while his eyes set on me.
I myself had no clue that that was why ice calmed me down, I always just knew to get ice, but Tyler knew and got it himself and actually knew why it helped.
It made me forget how much I hated Tyler, it made me realize how caring he was despite the opposite of what he shows.
The thought of the ice in my hands along with how Tyler knew was enough for me to focus on it and forget that I was having an attack and ended up breathing well.
" I guess ice did the trick. " Blake stated relieved that the attack was gone.
If only he knew that it wasn't only the ice.
Everyone, but Seth and Tyler were asleep drained from the long car ride, I myself was on the verge of sleeping but couldn't. I had my eyes closed as I breathed in and out peacefully thinking of how I had the ability to doubt them, when they clearly made sure they were always there for me, he was but hated that he did in a way.
" You okay? " Tyler asked Seth making sure he was quiet not to wake anyone up.
" Nah man, it's frustrating. I barely remember home and now here I am wondering if this was one of them and if it was, what could it possibly mean. " Seth stated.
" I don't know it doesn't add up. " Tyler responded.
" It's making me assume the worst. Her mother just passed and through her notebook she rants about betraying someone and there she put an address. What if it links to mom and dads death, or worse, Rose? "
" She also put another address that lead to an open street which clearly meant nothing so the same could happen with this address. "
" Hopefully "
The rest of the car ride passed with me being asleep forgetting everything that happened surrounding me for once that's until Blake started kicking his feet at the back of my chair causing me to wake up.
" Blakeee! " I called whining that he woke me up and startled me from the most relaxing sleep I've had for months.
" I have claustrophobia people let me out! " Blake stated back.
" You've been sitting there for hours, now you remember you're claustrophobic. " I retorted.
" I've been stuck here for hours and once I see the door open and I'm still stuck, that's when it hits. "
" Whatever " I rolled my eyes.
" C'mon Hazel I thought you'd be the most to understand me. "
" Just because I have anxiety? I'm more than just anxiety you know. " I fake smiled standing in front of him while he stepped out of the car.
" I know. You are milkshake girl. " He stated satisfied that he got what he wanted along with the fact that he called me milkshake girl without getting scolded from Tyler or me.
Everyone else just lightly chuckled while we shook ourselves off from the car ride. My eyes were lingering on dads car by the porch meaning he's here and I had no precise intentions on seeing him after he took away the one thing I needed the most at the moment.
" I'll talk to him. " Valery noticed me staring at his car.
" No, I don't want him to know anything about this. " I came off sounding like I was warning her.
" I'm sorry, I just don't want him to take away any more of what's left of mom. " I pointed out.
" Okay. " Valery accepted the rest nodding in approval that they won't be mentioning it.
" So where were we? " Melanie asked turning to the guys.
" Blake's " Seth and Tyler spoke up together.
" Right, then I should get going. Seth? " Blake turned to Seth.
" Yeah, lets go I'm exhausted. " Seth added as they hugged us goodbye, Alec and Melanie headed their ways as well. Me, Valery and Tyler walked in through the front door to come face to face with John and dad heading out.
" Hey dad, uncle Ethan. " Tyler greeted them being the first to do so as I chirped hi behind him and slipped through to head upstairs.
" Hazel " Dad called
" She needs time. " Valery answered for me.
" I'm going back home to finish the last arrangements with John. I'll try to work something out for you guys to fly out for the funeral. No promises yet. " Dad let Valery know which only got me more furious. The fact that he was heading back there and saying there's no possible way for him to get us to go back for the funeral even though he's going back himself. Oh and let's not mention the fact that he said, no promises.
" Who does that?! " I screeched Valery staring back at me not knowing what to say or how to make this conversation any better.
" At least he's gave us hope that we might. "
Valery states as if it was the best thing he could ever do to us.
" that's the least he could do. "
" I know Haz, but we don't know what he's going through. Let's not forget about the fact that this was his wife months ago and now she's dead. "
" Mm, yeah you're right. We should get to sleep tomorrow is your first day. "
" How is it? "
" Nothing you aren't used to. " I stated knowing damn well how good she'll get along. I've been worrying about mom for the past days realizing that I forgot about the fact that Valery was going to start going at my school and how it'll turn out. I didn't realize til now and the thought of it got my stomach twisted.
" I should go get some sleep then. " She stood from my bed to head to her room which I believe was on the arcade floor.
" Goodnight. "
" Hazel. "
I sat there waiting for her to continue as her eyes began to tear up.
" I'm sorry, I really am. You have no clue how hard it's been on me, I hated it, being there alone. I was watching her fade away and I couldn't lose her so I had to listen to her not to lose her too. "
" Shh, I know I'm sorry too. " I began to sob along with her hugging her in tears. She wasn't to blame, and I knew it all along I guess it just killed me that it came from her.
" I love you. "
" I love you too, now go wash your face and go to bed or else you go to school with puffy eyes tomorrow on your first day. "
I smiled wiping her tears.
" Goodnight, Haz. "
" Goodnight, Val. "
I didn't put through what she said with dad and ever since I've known Valery, typically the day we were born she always had to give people excuses for their actions and never think that they might've had bad intentions. I turned out to be the opposite, I turn to the bad intentions first then stand by the good intentions when left with no choice.
The thought of dad going for the second time had me overthinking what else he had planning over there, maybe there were some paper work about the funeral or any arrangements of any sort that he wasn't planning on telling us about. It didn't take me a second to take the stairs downstairs hoping that it'll prevent me from making any noise that might wake someone up to someone rummaging around the house.
I clutched onto the doorknob, pulled it to my chest and twisted it which did the trick of opening it without the ticking sound that wakes up half of the universe.
I left the door slightly opened as I turned on the light and began looking for any type of paperwork that might give me a brief explanation to whether or not he was planning on taking us or let alone have a funeral for mom.
After rambling around for five minutes, there was no sign of any paperwork for what's it's worth, nothing was there.
Even business work, nothing.
About to give up and head back upstairs I remembered the last time I was in here and how there was a box under the bed, maybe he had the paperwork there, let alone find the box.
I closed my eyes as I knelt down wishing, hoping that I could find it, find something.
I opened my eyes to come across nothing, but that didn't stop me yet.
Being reminded of the box, I thought to myself that dad knew I saw it. It was clear on my face that day and the next day he hid it meaning that was his safe according to him.
I searched from drawer to cupboard, only to find it in the most plain and put out place, yet not anyone could see it.
The space behind the door and the closet, it was exactly it. The same one I saw that day under the bed.
By the time I had it in front of me on the bed I was nearly sweating from the anxiousness.
I pulled out the cover and came across paper, paperwork.
I read and read and read and yet despite reading so much I still was lost, but then it hit me.
It hit me, all at once.
The number, the address, and the family name all hit me at once.
The connection between all of it had one missing piece left that could make it all be true or make me delusional.
I ran upstairs forgetting everything behind and remembering only one thing, the date.
I had no way left, but to ask him so I did.
" Hazel, it's two in the morning. " Tyler hissed in a sleepy raspy voice.
" When was it? "
" When was what? " He rubbed his eyes eyeing me making sure I was okay.
" When was the accident? "
" May, two thousand fourteen. "
" Hazel?? " He called but it was now distant cause I was, I ran to my room, locked myself in and slid down the door realizing it all.
Instead of finding what I was aiming for I was bewitched over what was aiming to find me, desperately.
All along there were signs leading to this exact point, that could only be put together once you reach that point, the hidden.
Each sign felt like it was covered by the love I held for the person, each sign was put together to form something, the truth, that was lost. . .