❥𝗔𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗵
Lola hugs me tighter as I place my arms on hers, enjoying the comfortable silence between us. Her hand threads through the strands of my hair, "Amara, you need to eat," her voice is low. I ignore her words and snuggle my head further onto the pillow taking one of my hands to place it on my stomach, rubbing it slowly.
Memories of the blood dripping down my legs rush to my head and I have to bite my lip to stop myself from crying again.
It's been four days since I've talked or seen Dario.
It's been four days since the shit show took place.
Four days since my......miscarriage. My eyes begin to water at the memory of the doctor's words when Lola drove me to the hospital.
......
"Ms. Hidalgo, I'm sorry to inform you, but you suffered from a miscarriage," she gently tells me and my throat runs dry.
Miscarriage?
That would mean that I was pregnant. No, that's not right.
"M-Miscarriage?" I clear my throat. "But, I'm on the pill. I couldn't have been pregnant," I shake my head in disbelief at his words. There is no way I could have been pregnant.
"The birth control pill is only 99% effective. Women are still likely to be able to get pregnant while using the pill," she informs me and I nervously bite my lip remembering that I haven't gotten my period for more than two weeks.
But I didn't think much of it because I took my pills religiously, especially since Dario and I have a lot of sex.
"H-How far along was I?" I stutter on my words, still feeling a slight pain on my lower stomach.
"It looks like you were about four weeks pregnant," she looks at the papers in her hand and I nod my head, my hand finding its way to my stomach.
I don't know how to feel.
I can't believe I was four weeks. I should have known something was wrong when my breasts felt overly sensitive.
I was pregnant with Dario's baby. I can't believe it.
"H-How d-did I lose it?" I quietly ask her, afraid of knowing the real reason of my...miscarriage.
Was it my fault? Can I not have children?
She notices the slight panic in my face and sits down on her chair, rolling it towards me.
"There are many reasons why a miscarriage may occur. In this case, the fetus was not receiving enough chromosomes to fully develop, resulting in a miscarriage," her face softens and I fidget with my fingers.
"W-Was it my f-fault? I-Is there something wrong with me?" I cautiously ask and she gives me a small smile.
"No, Ms. Hidalgo, it was not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you or your partner. Sometimes miscarriages happen because our bodies aren't ready to carry a baby yet," she places her hand on my knee and gives me a light squeeze.
What a nice way of saying that it wasn't meant to be.
Would I even be a good mother? I can barely take care of myself, let alone a child.
I still have many dreams and goals that I want to accomplish.
A child would be a distraction.
Maybe it was for the best.
My love with Dario wasn't meant to be.
The baby wasn't meant to be.
"After a miscarriage it's best to take care of yourself physically and mentally," she says. "If there is any spotting or you are bleeding abnormally, please come straight to the hospital," her voice is serious and I listen to her every word.
My hand hasn't let my stomach and the shock hasn't left my body. She reaches over to the small table on her right side and hands me a small pamphlet. "Here, going through a miscarriage isn't easy," she trails off and I slowly reach out my hand to grab it from her. My fingers brush over the letters that are big and in black, "Pregnancy Loss: Guiding You Through Your Miscarriage," how do I cope with a pregnancy I lost, that I didn't know I had to begin with. "It's important to have as much support as possible right now," she continues and I slowly sit up.
"T-Thank you," I tell her, not finding any other words to tell her. I don't know how to feel.
"Of course," she responds and gets up from her chair. "I'll let your friend know that we are done here," she says and I give her a small polite smile. As soon as she leaves the room, a release a deep breath I have been holding in since I got here.
How ironic that as soon as Dario and I ended our relationship, or whatever it was..I miscarried.
It wasn't meant to be.
None of it was meant to be.
...
I haven't been to school, work, or therapy for the past four days.
I don't have the energy to do absolutely anything.
I had an appointment with Veronica yesterday, but I cancelled it. I told her I had the flu which is the same excuse I used for work and what the excuse I used to email my professors.
And they all bought it.
All I want to do is lay in bed.
Which is bad considering that Spring semester is almost over, meaning I need to get my shit together.
Lucero has been consistently calling me, asking if she needs me to come over to take care of me and I respond with the same answer I've been giving her for four days, which is no.
I don't want her to know about this or about Dario. She's been putting on a brave face with everything that went down with my dad and Marissa, but I know inside she is not ok.
Marissa has been her best friend since college and knows almost everything about her. So, losing her had to have hurt her more than she shows.
My problems are mine. If I tell her it will only make her more worried than she already is. I don't want anyone to know and if Lola wasn't there to pick me up that night, I probably wouldn't have told her either.
I don't want to be a burden to anyone. Lola and Lucero are constantly worrying about me and I hate that they do.
"Amara, you need to eat," Lola repeats herself, while she caresses my head.
"I'm not hungry," I quietly answer. I don't have an appetite. Eating requires energy; energy I don't have.
I'm exhausted, to say the least.
Everything with my dad, Dario, and the..miscarriage, has taken a toll on me. I don't know how to feel or what to do.
I'm stuck, I feel like I'm this never-ending nightmare and I can't wake up.
But staying in bed and not doing anything seems about right.
"You haven't ate in days. The doctor said that you need to eat in order to gain back your strength," she whispers and I stay quiet.
"My strength?" I mutter under my breath. "I don't think I have any strength left," my voice merely a whisper. If I talk any louder I feel like my voice will crack and I will start to cry again.
I am so tired of crying.
"Don't, Amara," she sighs. "Don't do this, don't shut down," she tells me and I close my eyes not wanting to hear or talk anymore.
She lifts herself on her elbow hovering over my side, so she can see my face. "I know things are horrible right now, I know that," she softly tells my while she plays with my hair. I feel my lip quiver and I keep my eyes tightly shut, refusing to let any tears fall. "And you don't deserve any of this," she continues and I begin to sniffle.
"I-I'm so tired, Lola," my voice cracks and she uses her free hand to take my hand in hers, squeezing it tightly.
"I know you are, amiga," her voice is soft and I begin to feel some tears stream down my cheek. "But you have to keep going and I know that it's easy to just say that rather than doing it, but it's true," she says and I begin to sob quietly.
"Life is cruel at times. I don't know why it is, but it is," she says. "But you have to take that pain that life gives you and turn it into something good," she continues and I begin to sob more.
How do I make any good of this situation?
"I-I don't know what to do," I mumble, she sighs and shifts on the bed, removing her hand from mine and hugging me from behind.
"We will figure it out," she tells me and I smile lightly with tears still filling my eyes.
"But right now you need to eat or at least try to and shower," she tries to sound assertive, but she fails by hugging me tighter.
I sniffle and wipe the tears from my eyes. "F-Fine," I grumble against the pillow and she hums in content.
"I'll go get us some food and ice cream while you take a shower, ok?" She tells me and I slowly nod my head.
She gives me a quick kiss before getting off of my bed and grabbing her bag. "Call me if anything," she quickly tells me and I mutter a simple yes.
She smiles at me and leaves the room. The sound of the front door being closed has me tiredly exhaling.
The thought of taking a shower and getting dressed has me feeling even more lazier.
But I have to do it.
Staying in bed everyday is not going to resolve my problems.
Hopefully, I will feel better and think clearer after my shower.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I securely wrap my towel around my body and make my way to the living room to find my phone.
I gave Lola my phone to prevent myself from texting Mason and asking him about Dario. Despite everything, I still want to know how he is doing.
That's the thing I hate.
That despite all of it, I still love him.
I also gave it to her because I didn't want to be on it in general. I told Lola to only give me my phone when Lucero calls me.
I scan around the living room and see that it isn't on the couch or the coffee table. Putting my hair up into a bun with my hair clip, I walk to the kitchen and spot my phone on the counter.
I pick it up and my eyes widen once I see the number of missed calls I have.
80 missed calls from Dario
10 voicemails from Dario
6 missed calls from Victor
2 missed calls from Dad
Why the hell did my dad call me?
Because if he is trying to apologize, he can shove it up his ass.
I go to my voicemail and click on one of Dario's messages to hear it. Before playing it, I contemplate if I should even listen to it.
Voicemails filled with a couple of words won't fix what he said to me. Taking a deep breath, I reluctantly click on the message to hear what he said.
"Amara, please answer the phone. I know I said hurtful things to you, but I didn't mean it. Please answer me, baby."
"I'm an idiot, I know that. I don't deserve you or your love, but please let me talk to you. Let me hear your voice..please."
"Y-You are the ..hmm.. first woman I t-told that I loved t-them and..you w-will continue..hm..to be the only w-woman I'll ever love. P-Please answer me, Amara."
Voicemail after voicemail of him begging me to answer the phone, of him telling me he needs me. My lip begins to quiver at his words, but I shake my head refusing to give in.
We don't belong together.
It isn't meant to be.
Loud knocks come from the door causing me to slightly jump in place. My heart begins to race when I realize that it can't be Lola since she has a key to my apartment.
It can't be Ricardo, it can't be.
My body begins to tense up at the idea as the loud knocks don't stop. They are urgent almost like they need to come inside. I slowly walk to the door with my phone in my hand ready to call Emilio while my other hand tightly holds my towel.
"Amara!" my breath hitches at the deep voice. "Amara, please open the door," the voice exhales in frustration as they continue to bang their fist on the door.
Dario.
Goosebumps fill my body at the sound of his voice and my heartbeat begins to slow down. I remain a few inches from the door, afraid that if I step closer to the door he will know I'm in here.
I can't see him.
I won't.
"Amara, I know you are in there. Lisa, told me you have the flu," he says and my throat runs dry.
Fuck.
"Amara, please..just please, let me see you. I need to talk to you...I need to see you," his voice is strained, he sounds exhausted. I move closer to the door and put one hand against it, wanting to be close to him even though I shouldn't.
He stops knocking and I hear him place both of his hands against the door, almost like he can feel my hand against the door. I chew on my lip and hesitantly look through the peep hole to see what he is doing.
His head is lowered as both of his hands are up against my door. His hair is ruffled up because of how many times he ran his hand through it. His arms look a little bruised up and my heart aches at the sight. His gray athletic gray shirt fits around his torso so perfectly and his black jeans make his outfit look amazing.
He has always made casual look so good.
Before he can lift his head up, I take a small step back and the floor creaks causing my eyes to widen.
"Amara? Amara, open the door, please," he yells out and I sigh in frustration.
I'm so fucking stupid.
"I'll break this fucking door if I have to," he shouts and I immediately walk to the door, placing my hand against it.
"Don't," I manage to say and he breathes in relief, like he is relieved to hear my voice. Like he needed to hear it.
"Amara," he breathes and my body shivers at the way he says my name. "Open the door," he tells me, but I don't reach for the locks or the door handle.
"Y-You need to go, Dario," I mumble and I hear a light thump on the door. I look to the peep hole to see that it is his head against the door.
"Amara, I'm fucking begging you..open the door," he breathily says and my lips begins to quiver.
"It's over, Dario. You have to leave..you have to leave me alone," I whisper and he curses under his breath.
I can't see him.
Not after everything that has happened.
Not after all the things that were said are all the things that have happened.
"Baby, tell me what I have to do. Tell me what I have to do to get you to open this door," he croaks out and my eyes begin to water. "You want me to get on my knees, I'll do it. You want me to beg you, I'll do it. A-Anything you want me to do, I'll do it," he continues and I close my eyes at his words.
"I can't lose you, Amara. I-I fucking can't fathom my life without you," his voice is low, like he is trying not to cry. I open my eyes and suck in a deep breath, moving closer to the door to lean my head against it.
It almost feels like our foreheads are touching, but the door is blocking us. "I-I want you t-to leave and to n-never come back here," I stutter with my words as I begin to feel a large lump in my throat.
"Amara," he tries to protest.
"Dario, p-please leave, p-please let me go," my voice cracks and the tears begin to stream down my face.
"Never," he quietly responds my breathing begins to stagger as I feel my heart shatter. He hears my light sobs through the door and he exhales deeply. "Open the door, baby. Open this door, I'm begging you," he pleads with me and I shake my head against the door.
"Y-You said a-anything I want you will do..I w-want you to leave, Dario. Please, leave and don't c-come looking for me," I softly cry and he thumps his head lightly on the door.
"Don't ask me to do this, Amara. I-I know that things aren't perfect, but we can figure it out. W-We can-" he stops himself and takes a sharp breath.
We can't figure things out.
Our relationship grew on lies and cheats. A relationship like that doesn't survive, it dies.
"I'm telling you t-to leave. W-We weren't meant to be," I cry and close my eyes as the tears won't stop falling.
"Amara, I love you," he says in desperation and it takes everything out of me to not say it back.
"If you love m-me, you w-will leave," I mumble and feel my body fill with exhaustion. "So, please leave o-or I'm calling the p-police," the threat that leaves my mouth is empty and I look through the hole to see him slowly lifting his head from the door.
"If it will make you happy that I leave, I will go," he breathes and I swallow harshly at his words. "Will you be happy?" he gulps and I look away from the hole, fidgeting with the necklace he gave me for my birthday.
Of course, it wouldn't make me happy.
But it's what's best.
I need time. Time away from him; time away from everyone.
"Y-Yes," I hesitantly answer.
"Then I'll leave," he thickly says and I close my eyes, hating myself for pushing him away. I hear his footsteps slowly retreat down the hallway and I place my hand that was on the door on my chest. I take a sharp breath before letting the waterfall of tears fall out of my eyes. Placing my back on the door, I slide to the floor and cry into my hands.
This is why I avoided love at all costs.
To prevent myself from ever feeling the kind of pain I am feeling now.
He is the only man I have ever loved and I let him go.
*********************************************
𝖳𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗍𝗈𝗈𝗄 𝗆𝖾 𝖿𝗈𝗋𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝖨 𝗁𝖺𝖽 𝗐𝗋𝗂𝗍𝖾𝗋'𝗌 𝖻𝗅𝗈𝖼𝗄 𝖫𝖮𝖫
𝖧𝗈𝗉𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗀𝗎𝗒𝗌 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝗂𝗍 ♡
𝖶𝖾 𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗅𝗂𝗍𝖾𝗋𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒 𝖺𝗅𝗆𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝗍𝗈 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖾𝗇𝖽.
𝖨 𝗐𝖺𝗇𝗍 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝖺𝗒 𝗍𝗐𝗈 𝗆𝗈𝗋𝖾 𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝖾𝗉𝗂𝗅𝗈𝗀𝗎𝖾, 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗐𝗁𝗈 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐𝗌 𝖨'𝗆 𝗂𝗇𝖽𝖾𝖼𝗂𝗌𝗂𝗏𝖾 😭
𝖠𝗅𝗌𝗈 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗐𝗈𝗇'𝗍 𝖻𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝗒 𝖣𝖺𝗋𝗂𝗈 𝖯𝖮𝖵𝗌 𝗆𝗈𝗏𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗈𝗇 𝗈𝗇𝗅𝗒 𝖠𝗆𝖺𝗋𝖺 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗆𝖺𝗒𝖻𝖾 𝖫𝗎𝖼𝖾𝗋𝗈
𝖡𝗎𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝗒𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾 𝗒'𝖺𝗅𝗅 🤍