Hazels p.o.v
" I um well, it's- I um- " I stuttered as he stood there, arms crossed and eye brow raised waiting for me to present a proper sentence.
" I uh I was dropping by my medications " I stuttered at first but somehow I believed my lie as did he but it didn't stop him from eyeing the mail that was once in my hand and now flat on the floor.
I rushed to pick them up with his help as we began setting them were they were placed as I left the one with Aaron's name on the top. My hands were still trembling and he noticed it, it was clear that I was nervous and tensed.
He got the idea that I needed to be left alone so he left me enough time for me to fold the envelope and tuck it in my front pocket.
Before leaving I made sure everything was put in place and that the door was shut as I left it.
I had no intentions on opening the envelope at the moment despite how eager I am to but I just didn't want to stall enough that I already have. I assumed I had enough time to place it in my room encase It falls out or anything.
I tried hiding the fact that I was anxious the whole day, other than the fact that Tyler knew being the one who caught me, I noticed Alec stare at me most of the time or mainly stare at my leg that keeps jumping up and down or how I dig my nails into my palm intensely.
It scared me how he could still see through me despite the lack of connection we have lately.
Trying to avoid his eye contact, I walked over to Melanie and Anna who have finished sorting out the dips and the drinks.
" Hey, " I poked Melanie.
I was at peace knowing Melanie had had the time to grasp her emotions and think them through enough for her to be enlightening as she always is.
" Well, good morning to you too " She smugly smiled.
" You got me, I'm sorry I should've been the one helping out here. " I smiled apologetically
which she nudged me to not approving the fact that I had to apologize for it.
" Shut up "
" So, are you almost done setting up? "
" yeah I guess that's about it. "
with that we sat done far by the playground where Adam was playing as we sat by the bench.
The weather was breezy, the clouds darkening our surroundings as it felt like it was about to rain. It was the perfect weather, although it was pretty gloomy.
" You seem intense. " She pointed out.
" You noticed? " I questioned her worried that it was too evident.
" Me? I can barely notice myself being intense. Blake came over to talk to me earlier about it and mentioned that Alec noticed and wanted me to check up on you. "
" So they sorta know already. "
" Yeah I guess. " She nodded.
" So are you going to tell me what happened? " She asked me persistently but respectfully.
" Yesterday, after what went on I left to sleep in dads room, I dozed off and led myself on the floor. I thought I saw something beneath the bed as I wanted to reach to check what it was dad barged the door open leaving whatever it was that I saw meaningless, so earlier I wanted to check what it was but it wasn't there, but by the door I found mail and checks that Anne must've slipped under the door and well one of them had Aaron's name on it , so I took it. "
" You what? "
" It was underneath the door meaning he hasn't seen it so It's fine. Oh and let's not forget the fact that Tyler walked in on me checking the paper work. I lied and said I brought my medication over. "
" Are you sure you want to read it? "
" No, it's getting me anxious you know. Knowing that Aaron has sent something to dad or maybe it's not but it's got me wondering and I think I deserve to know whatever it was. "
" I know, it's just don't you think it must've been unknown to you for a reason. "
" I don't know what to do. "
" Are you planning on telling the guys? "
" should I? Ughh this is stressing me out! " I rambled clutching on to my head in defeat.
" At least try not to show it that much because the guys are going to be on my back until I give in. "
" Fine. "
" Wenny !! " Adam called For Melanie to come over and push him as I sat by the bench washing over them.
Anna, John and dad had already walked inside while we were all scattered. Although as soon as it began to pour Everyone ran off, Melanie included holding on to Adam afraid that he'll get sick along with the fact that she was calling me over but told her that I needed the rain for now.
As I sat there I realized that I wasn't the only one out as I grew to realize that Alec was staring at me from afar and it made me ache in a way knowing that I cut him off out of everyone.
I gave up while he didn't.
I stood up to head inside, but before walked his way and stood a few feet away.
" I hope you forgive me. "
A sad smile reaches my face as my eyes were stuck to the ground unable to face him.
" Hey, Haz look at me " he stood by me raising my head to face him.
" I'm sorry, I never mea- "
" hey, stop. I do, promise. " He confirms smiling as if only to make me feel better to not have a panic attack. I fake smiled hurt knowing that I may have lost his trust, let alone him.
I walked away, we both did maybe hoping somehow that we were walking away from the truth, the painful truth. I tried not to think about it knowing it'll ruin the mood and let's not forget the fact that everyone was still around. It was like this get together and I couldn't possibly ruin it for them especially since we've all been down lately. The guys bailed out leaving us with the awkward old talk, but luckily Blake pulled us out of it and asked if we would join their ride down to the park saying we'll pass by for hot chocolate.
I wasn't in at first, my mind still unable to establish the fact that there was an envelope with Aaron's name on it in my room although knowing Melanie definitely needed it I had to go for her.
" I'll take my car. " Blake pointed out to Tyler, Seth tagging along with Tyler. Alec without uttering a word climbed into Blake's car. We simply just tagged along sitting in the backseat of Blake's ran drover.
We reached a park a ten minutes before Tyler and Seth got us the hot chocolate. Luckily, the park had this small, yet big enough glass house in the middle of the park with a glass table, and wooden chairs inside. It was so cute especially with the rain pouring and the warm hot chocolate.
It's all I needed, yet it felt like something was missing. We were all there and somewhat relieved to be but deep down I know we all share that same feeling. It felt like I knew something about them that made them feel revealed maybe, somehow I think it's just in me to think that way yet it didn't stop me from doing so.
Knowing I knew something that they had no intentions on telling made me want to let them know that I can trust them so so can they.
" I- I found a letter in my dads room today. "
I blurted out. Blake knew how much I hated being the center of the talk so he had to be himself and try to make remarks here and there to make it less tense for me which I adored.
" Who the hell still uses letters? " Blake chimed.
" Exactly, that's what I thought. " I chuckled somewhat sounding hurt.
" What did it say? "
" Who is it from? "
Seth and Alec both questioned at the same time.
" I don't know yet, I haven't opened it. It's f-from Aaron. " I squirmed.
" Don't open it. " Tyler ordered raging me for giving his opinion on this and never showing up when I needed him the most.
" Aaron is your brother right? " Blake asked me this time.
" used to. "
" I'd open it if I were you. " Seth spoke up.
" I wouldn't. " Blake agreed with Tyler.
" Guys, you're not helping here. " I whined rubbing my forehead.
" What do you want to do? " Melanie turned to me a comforting smile on her face actually asking me what I wanted to make sure I did what I wanted.
" I don't know. A part of me thinks it's meant to be hidden from me so it should be that way, but the other tells me that its somewhat a sign from god and I should take it and read it. It's just so frustrating. "
By the end of my answer my hands were shaking and everyone seemed to notice that.
" It's just not like Aaron. Maybe it's not him or maybe dad meant to put it there for me to think it's Aaron? " I rambled off standing up to take a breath.
" It's triggering her. " Alec explained to Melanie which seemed to caught up with how I'm pacing.
" Hazel, look at me. " Seth stood in front of me trying to refrain me from having an attack.
I nodded tears beginning to form in my eyes knowing well that it is triggering an attack.
" I need you to do as I say okay? "
Nodding in assurance I began to breathe in for five seconds, holding on to my breath for another set of five seconds and again breathing out for five seconds.
" Now, I need you to acknowledge five things around you that you can see, keep breathing while you do. " Seth ordered constantly over and over while I was in this other world.
Listening to him use Aaron's technique didn't cause me another attack let alone made feel safe, able to contain my breathing. I visualized Aaron in front of me although it was clear that it was Seth but for some reason he felt more like a brother to me like Aaron always was. Using the 5-4-3-2-1 technique wasn't only our thing ,but it was the most sensitive thing in our brother- sister relationship reminding of the fact that he went all the way to a therapist to ask for advice to help through my attacks claiming that he was the one that needed help incase our parents found out.
" The grass, the rain " I froze and it didn't stop him from asking me again patiently.
" Five Hazel, give me five. "
" The rain, the birds, the water and your shirt. "
It continued like that for a set of five minutes I guess following along with the 5 method.
Haz, focus.
As Seth helped me refrain myself from an attack the guys and Len gave me the space they knew I needed and I couldn't appreciate them more for it.
Alec was the one that made me worry since as soon as the attack was triggered walked away. For some reason, it hurt knowing that he didn't care anymore knowing how he treated me before whenever I had an attack, he was always the one to help me prevent it and now he simply walks away.
" I think it's time for me to help you out. " I lightly smiled to Seth since he almost had an attack himself seeing me in that state.
" I'm sorry, I probably trigger it for all of you. "
I apologized knowing well that it does and despite them trying to hide it's quite evident that I'm affecting them.
" In a good way, you trigger us. " Seth answers
" Lying isn't your thing Seth. " I lightly smile my face still smothered with tears.
" It's true, you do remind us of her, but in a good way. " Melanie added.
" I'm glad you're okay. " Blake came over to side hug me.
" You know, just giving you a heads up don't ever ride along with me only cause I will never be able to do that. In fact, you'd be the one using the technique on me. "
He stated breaking the tension, he definitely knows what he's doing since he made Tyler break a laugh too.
" I wouldn't worry since you're always with Alec I don't think we'll get into a problem like that. " Melanie added.
" Where is Alec? " Seth asked him at the brought of his name up.
Blake connected eyes with me as soon as they mentioned him leaving knowing well that we both know the answer to.
" Whatever it is that's going on with him, it surely hit him deep. " Melanie pointed out.
" I'd give him space. " Blake mentioned on behalf of Alec knowing well that that was what he needed.
Tyler was quiet through it all. It's been like that for a while now, basically since the day I had the attack that led me to the hospital.
Seth knew him enough to know it surely will take him a while to be himself again. It's like the problem he has is with me. Again, reminding me of how it was as soon as I came. He barely talks when I'm around, leaves as soon as I walk in and barely connects eyesight with me anymore. I just want to talk to him at times while others I want to scream in face and ask him why he didn't even bother to show up when I was there.
It's like I'm nothing.
" Maybe, I should go check up on him. " I claimed realizing that Alec cared enough to show up.
" I'll tag with. " Blake stood following me down the hill.
" Are you sure you'd want to? Since you know you're afraid of me getting an attack. " I chuckled which he rubbed his neck blushing.
" You know I didn't mean it right? "
" You know I'm playing with you. " I nudged him.
" Haz, I'd rather not talk to him now. "
" Why is something else going on with him? "
" No, it's just seeing you like this triggers him the most and knowing he can't be the one there to help you with your attack makes it worse for his state. "
" That's why I should talk to him. "
Seeing how much he cares for Alec just proves how close they are. Smiling, I assured him that he shouldn't worry before asking him where I can find him.
He sat there far by the dock, under the tree as I approached him.
" Can I join? "
Instead of a response he motioned me to sit which I did.
Through the awkward tension I sat, thinking of how to open up to him let alone try to make him open up to me.
" You don't don't you? "
Turning to me he furrowed his eyebrows in a questioning matter.
" You don't forgive me. "
" I do, but I don't forgive the fact that you showed up the one day you needed me there. "
The look on my face spoke to him giving him an answer to his own response.
" You talked to me today, the one day that you needed people to surround you. The day that you knew you might make a decision that will affect you and you were scared to be alone if you messed up. "
It sounded about right, although I haven't mentioned it myself or thought of it, it sounded like something I would do.
" Does it bother you? That I need you? "
" I don't want you to need me Hazel. "
At some point it felt like he wanted to say something else, add up to what he said but it caused a lump at my throat so I didn't speak another word and walked away.
It was then that I realized that I didn't want to do that to them and make them a part of my own mistakes after dragging them into them all. All I knew that it was time for me to face my decision on my own, and so I walked home taking maps as my personal guide, the wind as an escort, my feet as my ride and my brain as an enemy for me to listen to. Before heading home I called Seth to let him know so they wouldn't worry. It didn't stop him though ordering for me to wait for him to take me but I demanded on taking this time on my own to think of the decision I had to make.
The louder the thoughts, the longer it took for me to get there.
Fifteen minutes later and I was there, standing in front of the Andersons residence. A part of me wanted to sneak up somehow knowing that my hands would bail me out since I never lie and barely know how to sneak something let alone a letter stolen from my father. I deeply know that If I were to cross heads with Anna or dad I'd break character and assume any look meant I was blown off and so I called for the only one that I knew could escort me up without me getting noticed as much, Alessandro.
" Hey, can you meet me downstairs? " I whispered through the phone.
" I'm out, I'll send my other identity. " He dramatically claimed leading me to roll my eyes at the way he put it out.
As typical Alex is, he showed up late.
" Hey, what's up?! "
" Shhh "
" I only can blame myself. " which I hit him upside the head for.
" So what are we hiding? Drugs? "
" What? No! "
He quirked his eye brows scanning me to make sure I'm clear.
" I just don't want to talk to dad yet and if he sees me he'll end up pulling me to the side to talk it off which I'm not ready for. "
He then understood smiled and walked with my inside as he asked me question after question to act like we were engaged in a conversation.
As soon as we were out of the coast a specific someone had to announce our presence.
" Hazoow!! "
" Hey buddy, I missed you. " I ruffled his hair
" Hazel, is that you? " Anna called out from the living room.
" Yeah. "
" Can you come over for a second? "
Great, she knows. I'm doomed.
" Uh, I really need the bathroom. I'll come down as soon as I'm done! " I called before me and Alex raced to the elevator.
The doors of the elevator closed a second before Alex gave me this look and began sniffing me.
" What the hell are you doing? "
I hit him upside the head.
" I had to check. "
" for? "
" You know, for avoiding mom. There had to be a reason as to why you made an excuse to run off. "
" Yeah, drugs okay. " I approved with his answer before thanking him and rushing to my room waiting a set of minutes before locking the door.
I sat on my bed to comprehend everything, thinking to myself, breathing in and out, in and out. My body was shivering all together my heart beat barely had a chance to beat properly as it was beating nonstop.
Breathing in and out only made it harder for me to contain my stability, although it took a couple minutes before I was stable enough to stand up and that was all I needed to open it.
I walked over to the drawer, opening it my hands tingling as I reached in for the letter only to be reaching to nothing. I open my squinted eyes to check only to realize that indeed it wasn't there and that was when my heart began to race again and tears began to form. I knew at some point I will come to the verge where I'd faint so I had stopped myself from hyperventilating by rushing to open the window breathing in and out. I sucked in a breath when a knock on my door was heard hoping if it was Anna she'd think I was in the shower but instead Melanie whispered.
" Haz, it's me. "
I ran to open the door for her when she stood there clear worry on her face but gasped as soon as she saw me.
" Are you okay? " She rushed to hug me and took me to sit on my buff by the window.
" What did it say? "
" Hazel? " Blake called out from the door then coming across Melanie calming me down by the window before walking over to kneel down next to us making sure I was alright.
" What did it say? "
" I-it wasn't there. " I stuttered reminding me of the fact that the one thing I had left of Aaron was now gone and had no decision to actually turn to.
I sat there everyone surrounded me yet it felt like no one was.
I was still in shock unable to come across the fact that I lost the only access I can have to Aaron and it made me realize how alone I felt again. It just made me believe the fact that Aaron leaving was something he made he clear he didn't want me to know about, nor Valerie and now it only means that dad probably wants it this way too.
Everyone was quiet by now, still there physically but emotionally gone. It took me back to what Alec said earlier I show up when I needed him the same with the rest.
" Can I have a moment to myself. "
" Hazel- " Seth was about to object when Blake gave him a look before they all head out including Alec, Tyler still stood to his ground by my door not planning on leaving at any point instead stepped in.
" I don't want your pity. "
" Why do you want it that bad? "
" Why do you care? " I hesitatingly whispered loud enough for him to hear. He ticked his jaw still standing there.
" I do. "
" barely. "
" I wouldn't have stopped you if I don't. "
" Excuse me? "
" If I don't care I wouldn't of taken it back to prevent you from what was in there and you know that. "
Speechless, is how I was, speechless. I should've thought it through because he saw me hold it but it didn't cross me that he would. Simply, I assumed dad knew and barged into my room and took it but Tyler taking made me rage.
" Why would you do that? Why do you even care to come up and take the only thing I had left of him. " I began ranting and by the end of it I was in tears my hands in fists as I hit him straight in the guts but barely did anything as I fell weak to my knees from all Id gone through today of anxiety.
" I hate you! " I cried but by now he was kneeled down making sure I was okay but it didn't stop me from hating him from taking it from me.
" Why do you care? " I sobbed.
" You don't get it, whatever is in there is hidden for a reason and you reading it will only hurt you! "
" You're the one that's hurting me! "
With that being said he stood up, it was enough for him to give in and let me commit to my decision before he handed me the letter that was with him the whole time.
He stood back by the window while Seth and Melanie were there standing by the door since they heard my ranting but Melanie only stepped in when Tyler stepped back and knew that I made my decision in opening it.
She sat down next to me squeezed my arm for support as I began to unseal the letter.
Dear Father or what so called to be a father:
Tracking me down isn't going to lead you anywhere, in fact I'm the one tracking you down. I know every step you're planning to take. Just know that whatever it is you're planning to do next I'll be there watching over it and where you're planning to hide next.
Dragging Hazel into it more than she already has been dragged is going to cause you to be known for who you are.
P. S Mom says hi.
_______________________________
Hiiii ♥️
What is it that you think is going on?