Nanlalamig ang buong katawan ko. He has seen it. It tells all sorts of unimaginable things. For me and AJ walang ibig sabihin yon, but we can't control the way people think. This is hot gossip, of course, everyone won't want to miss a thing and would probably scrutinize every detail, and worst is create a story based on lies. I can't even have the energy to learn who took the picture. All I have in mind is, how Raymond perceives this.
"Naka-uwi na ba si Ray?" tanong ko kay Jasmine.
"Andito siya kanina pero narinig kong umandar yung motor niya. Tawagan mo na lang, baka mapano yun." She said, so I did.
I tried to dial his number multiple times but all I can hear is a bullshit annoying tone that he is unavailable but I did not stop. I want to explain my side before everything escalates. I have hope that he would understand me. He will. Will he?
Pabalik-balik ako sa pwesto ko, nag simula na ding mamawis ang mga kamay ko sa stress at kaba. Then I remembered calling AJ; I dialed his number to ask him how he is doing. I can't reach him either.
With the last extra savings that I have, I took a ride going to AJ's place. Something in my mind tells me that Ray is there doing the worst things an angry boyfriend would do. When I arrived, Uncle Mac is outside with his phone.
"Uncle!" I called him.
"Ali! Buti naman an--" he was cut off by the sound of the glass that shattered. We both ran inside and saw Ray's head bleeding while AJ has minor cuts.
"Who are you here for?" Ray asked me before I even step to look for his wound.
"I'm here for you, ano bang klaseng tanong yan?"
"He's a crazy jealous asshole who clearly does not know anything about you, Ali." Aj frustratedly said while he shakes his head.
"Bae, what am I to you?" and he started to cry.
By his question I can feel that he does already know. I looked at AJ while he was wiping the blood in his face.
"I told him already to save myself, and my uncle's antiques! Look at all these chinawares!" He shouted while pointing at the plates which were Uncle Mac's collection.
"it's okay, Ali. I'm not mad about the chinas. Ano bang nangyayari sa inyo?"
"It's all my fault po. Lilinisin ko na lang po ung mga nabasag. I'll find ways to repay them, Uncle."
I stood up from the floor to get the broom and the dustpan in their storage while I try to stop my tears. By the time that I returned in the living room where everything happened, Ray has left leaving only the specks of his blood on the floor.
"Hindi mo man lang pinigilang umalis yung tao!" I yelled at AJ and he was taken aback. I cried. Hindi ko din alam kung anong gagawin ko. AJ was so kind to me and still is even when he knows that their friendship could be ruined. He hates it when his "pretty" face as he calls it, was scratched but he is still here at my side even after I yelled at him.
"Hindi ko na kaya AJ." I cried more.
He pats my back while I was crying and did not say a word. After a while, he helped me to stand up and make me sit on the couch while Uncle Mac sweeps the floor. Nagpalipas pa ako ng ilang sandali at inantay na sunduin ako ni Jasmine.
The next day, I received another note from the accounting office reminding me of the unsettled balance. It was my second warning from them to pay my balance. I kept the letter and moved forward to my routine as the team's PA. Nag linis ako ng stockroom para ma-divert ang isip ko sa ibang bagay kahit na hindi ko naman na to trabaho. Pagkatapos kong mag linis, dumiretso na ako sa court kung saan nag sisimula na silang mag warm-up. Hinanap kaagad ng mata ko si Raymond pero wala siya. AJ was still on the bench twisting his wrist so I approached him to ask if he needs anything.
"Okay lang ako, ikaw ba? Kumain ka na?" Tanong niya sakin.
"Okay lang ako. Stop worrying about me. I mean it. Sorry sa pang-aabala ko sayo, AJ. That would be the last time." Sabi ko sa kanya. Bago ako umalis, inabutan ko siya ng pain killer at tubig. Mabuti na lang at wala na siyang sinabi pagkatapos.
Inasikaso lahat ng kailangan nila. Ni-ready ko na pati mga toiletries nila, at nag bilin na din ako sa apprentice ko. When I felt that everything were settled, dumiretso ako sa registrar office at kumuha ng student records.
Mga ilang paperworks pa ang pinirmahan ko para makuha ko lahat ng kailangan ko. Pagkatapos non, pumunta ako sa locker ko at kinuha lahat ng gamit.
The whole university seems to slow down as I take my time to enjoy its look. The hallway, the students cramming, the locker space where all sorts of business happens and all. This place became my home when I felt sadness and it also became a way for me to know the amazing boys of my life, the basketball team. I never expected that I would leave the school and never know what will do next. I don't have a concrete plan at all. All I know was, we were broke, and school is not a necessity at the moment. I can always go back and study. I can have new friends, and make new memories. But I just need to help myself for now to heal and accept the fact that I cannot make things work the way I want them. Hindi ko na kayang paniwalain ang sarili ko na kaya ko yung ginagawa ng iba, na kaya ko din maging working-student. I tried to, but it just made things worst, and the people around was dragged into my problems that created much worst wreckage.
Hindi na ako nagpa alam sa team. Ayoko na madamay pa sila sa problema ko. This is my problem, and I don't want another soul to be part of it.
Pag uwi ko, nag kasalubong kami ni Ray. Meron siyang bandage sa ulo na hinahawak hawakan niya. Natigilan ako sa kinalalagyan ko. Gusto ko siyang tanungin kung okay lang ba siya at asikasuhin yung sugat niya pero hindi ko magawa. Tinitigan niya lang ako, napansin niya din yung gamit na dala dala ko at nag tanong.
"Aalis ka na?" Napalunok ako bago tumango sa sagot niya. Bakas sa mukha niya ang pagka inis sa sagot ko. At saka ako nag salita.
"Tapusin na din natin to." Sabi ko sa kanya.
"Tapusin? Tayo? Nakikipag break ka na?"
"Oo," saka ko lumapit ng bahagya sa kanya. "Mag hiwalay na tayo, Raymond." Nanginginig ang katawan ko habang tinititigan kong pumatak isa isa ang luha niya.
"Bakit? Kasi hindi ko alam na may problema ka?" Hindi ko siya masagot. Wala din akong masabing dahilan dahil sa totoo lang napapagod na akong ipaliwanag ang sarili ko, pagod na ko sa sitwasyon ko.
"Dahil ba demanding ako sa oras mo?" Tanong niya pa sakin. Tinignan ko siya sa mata habang nag sisimulang tumulo ang mga luha ko. Gusto kong pigilan ang pag patak nila isa-isa pero tila nag kusa na silang bumagsak.
"Dahil hindi ko na kayang mag karon pa ng isang problema. At ikaw lang ang kaya kong bitawan ngayon. Isusugal ko ang relasyon natin, Ray. Pasensya na."
Napa atras ng kaunti si Raymond sa sinabi ko. Hindi ko hinayaang masira ang boses ko kahit na ilang beses akong parang pinipigilan ng lalamunan kong sabihin ang mga salitang yon.
Gumawa ako ng dahilang ikakagalit niya para hindi niya isiping siya ang may kasalanan. Ayokong isipin niya yon. Ayoko din namang samahan niya ko sa problema ko. Hindi ko kayang sumaya ngayon at hindi ko kayang gampanan ang pagiging girlfriend niya sa ngayon. Habang tumatagal din naman kami, mas lalo akong nanliliit sa sarili ko, na para bang hindi na kami bagay sa isat isa.
Nag lakad na ako papasok sa apartment namin ni Jasmine at iniwan siya. Pagpasok na pagpasok ko sa loob, ibinuhos ko na ang iyak ko. Wala akong mailabas na boses. Purong sakit lang ang nararamdaman ko habang iniisip kung gaano na lang ang galit ni Raymond sakin. Nasaktan ko na rin naman siya kaya tama na siguro yon. Hindi ko siya deserve, at lalong hindi niya deserve ang kagaya ko. Pero, I still wish we were in different circumstances. I wish I could stay by his side, with our friends, finish college together, and see everyone succeed. But I guess some things were meant to be just a dream, and that includes mine.
Five Years Later
"Alli! Paki alagaan muna nga si Lala!" Sigaw ng mama ko nang marinig niyang bumukas ang pintuan sakto sa oras ng uwi ko galing sa trabaho. Umupo ako sa tabi ng kuna kung saan nag lalaro ang pamangkin ko na si Lala, anak ng ate ko.
Habang nakasandal ako, nag ring ang cellphone ko at nakitang tumatawag si Jasmine.
"Allipot! Ano sasama ka ba sa sabado?" Tanong niya.
"Oo nga! Sayang din yung kikitain don!" Sagot ko.
"Sigurado ka ba?" She asked me with a hint of worry.
"Oo nga! Saka hindi naman din siya pumunta noon so this year malamang hindi din yon pupunta. Saka ilang taon ng nakalipas." Sagot ko sa kanya making sure that I sound reassuring.
"Okay sige, pero iPad na lang dalhin mo ah wag na yung mga portfolio mo." Paalala niya sakin.
Five years later; I am an executive assistant at night to small-time plumbing services in the US and an aspiring movie producer. I may not be able to finish my course I still have the knowledge and the passion to write movies and direct one. I finished my story and I just need funding. I heard from Jasmine that some of my classmates made it to the industry so I am planning to meet them and see if they would help me pursue my dream.
I am attending our batch's reunion, after five freaking years. Life was tough. I spent my first year after dropping school, crying. I pitied myself, drinking until I fall asleep and woke up the next afternoon, installed Tinder, and had some hook-up. It was pretty hard for me to forget Raymond and it was more upsetting that I also have to accept the fact that I made myself bad. I was one of the saddest 19-year-old girls who would cry over petty things and would only realize they were petty after some years. Depressing, yes, but I'd say I made it. Our break-up toughens me up to this day. Though I'll say that I was scared to see him or bump with him somewhere around the town and if any accidental meet-up would happen, I think I know what I'll say.
"Wait. What should I wear?" I asked Jasmine before I hung up the phone.
"Just wear a casual dress? I'll be wearing dress din naman."
"Okay." I shrugged my shoulders as if a casual dress is not a problem for me.
As soon as we got off the phone, I went to my closet to find the dress that would fit the event but what I saw was a memory from the past. The skirt that I wore from my first house party with the team is still with me. Holding it brought so many memories both happy and sad. I just shook my head and returned the skirt nicely in the corner. After at least an hour of diving inside my closet, I found the black dress that I impulsively bought before because I remember, I was sad and it made me feel that I need to buy it to divert my feelings. It did not help though but I still kept it with hopes that I would get my money's worth which shall be happening this coming Saturday night.
The dress has a plunging v-neckline and has a nice hug on my waist. It is at least an inch above my knees which is a perfect length for my height. I wore two-inch black sandals to be more comfortable but also shove in a pair of sneakers that I could change into after the event.
Jas and I booked a Grab car to the event. She scanned how I look and raised her eyebrow at the backpack that I was holding as if she were asking, "what the hell is that bag for?"
I chuckled at her face, "I have my iPad here and a pair of sneakers! Hindi ako mag tatagal wearing sandals, you know that." Wala na siyang nasabi pa at umiling na lang.
None of us talked while we were driving to the event place. Jasmine consistently checked her phone for work while I on the other side wants to procrastinate and go home. I have prepared my pitch for my batchmates whose ages are the same as mine but I am nervous as hell. I kept on biting the little skin on my fingernails to keep me away from overthinking and Jasmine's confidence over the event is not helping me at all. She was so unbothered about the possibilities that I would not make it and the "Raymond" possibility.
The nerves got stronger when I saw more people that are dressed up coming out of cars which just means that we have arrived. We paid for our cab, fixed ourselves a bit, and we're ready.
"Okay ka lang?" Jasmine asked when she noticed me breathing like there was no tomorrow.
I scanned the place hoping to see familiar faces but I did not see a single soul so then I breathed one more time, "Yup. I think I'm going to be okay." I answered her.
Pumasok na kami sa loob and I must say, most of the people look so dashing. I saw one of the bullied kids in our batch and he looks so fine but just like in college, he is still not being approached by the others and that's why I walked up to him. Hoping that he is one of the people that could help me.
"Hey," I greeted him and he just nervously smiled. Which I think is weird.
"Hey?" He greeted back but more of confusedly.
"So, uhm, you're from what college again?" I asked just to have something to talk about because I want to get someone that could fund me.
"Criminology." He said and that made me nod, shockingly. But then I heard a familiar voice shouting his name. He looked in the direction where the voice is coming that's why I knew he was being called.
"AJ?" I asked the man who walked toward us.
"Allibabes?" He asked me. Our eyes met and I almost jump to hug him. We hugged so tight na parang eksena ng mga OFW na matagal na hindi nakita ang mga kamag anak.
"Kamusta ka na?!" Tanong niya sakin while he looks at me.
"I'm doing fine. I'm actually here to get funds for my movie."
"Okay. And you're not talking to him to ask that, are you?" He asked me while he points his finger at him. I just looked at him confused about why he is asking me that and ashamed because he knew me so well. Aj moved closer to me and whispered, "He is one of my bodyguards." The moment he said that I felt my cheeks go red and him being an asshole laughed.
"Come on, almost the whole team is here." Then he grabbed my wrist. I did not protest and even did not have time to digest that I'm meeting the boys I left five years ago.
"Alli?!" All of them shouted in excitement the moment they saw me. The people around us almost judged them as uncivilized because of it, throwing them some looks but they did not care at all.
"Wow! You look amazing" Leo said. I was surprised to see him with them but also glad that he made it and became friends with everybody.
"Look, she still carries a backpack!" AJ harshly raised my bag and they all laughed.
"Group hug!!!" Marco said then these giants almost squeezed me to death. I don't know how long they were hugging me but thanks to the loud shattering glass we heard almost just across us, kung wala pang mababasag hindi pa nila ko pakakawalan sa pagkakayakap.