A/N: Hey! I'm sorry I haven't posted much. Between college, health, all that, I haven't had the motivation whatsoever. But I did have it for this one! I hope y'all like it!
TW: death, su*c*de, alcohol, swearing, crying, funeral, rope and chair in closet, yelling, all caps, anger. Please let me know if I missed any. ❤
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Roman watched as Virgil sat down by him, humming softly. "What'd you wanna talk about, Princey?" he asked, smiling softly.
Roman saw right through the facade as he always had. But now....now he was more worried than he ever had been before. "Virgil–" He stopped, looking into the other's brown eyes. "Ah...look, I'm- we've been worried about you lately." He sighed softly. "You haven't been acting yourself, and-"
Virgil chuckled a bit, offering a small, very obviously fake, smile. "I'm fine," he said gently, standing from the bench he'd been sitting on in the window.
The other watched, eyes sad. He couldn't miss how small and frail Virgil had become, none of them could miss it. It was right there, right in their faces. Every bone, every little feature of his body, it was all right in the open for them to see. It was their fault. It was Roman's fault that he was now gone.
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
"Virgil-"
"Stop," Virgil whispered, his act breaking slightly as he looked to the ground. He took a moment, then slowly looked back up, meeting Janus's eyes. "I'm okay, how many times do I have to repeat myself to everyone?" He chuckled now, having become a better liar than even Janus was.
Janus watched him, able to detect the lie easily, and it broke him. "Talk to me then," he whispered quietly, moving towards his friend. But Virgil moved back, easily avoiding the touch.
Virgil just shook his head, another smile on his face, but nobody could ever miss the brokenness in his eyes. It was always there, always getting to be more and more. His grief could almost be seen, an aura of darkness and shadows sucking the happiness and light from Virgil's eyes. He left, ducking into his room again soon enough.
Janus watched as he left, tears in his own eyes. He was wondering what the point of trying even was anyways, why did he even try? Virgil would never listen to him of all people. Where had he gone wrong in this?
But he knew exactly why Virgil didn't listen. And Janus knew that this, how Virgil was, was his own fault.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Patton forced a smile, seeing his kiddo across the way. "Hey!" he said happily, taking Virgil's hand in his own. "How have you been feeling? Ooh- I made cookies!"
Virgil smiled and laughed, the first real one Patton had seen in months from him. "I'm okay," he said softly, too softly. Patton hated how quiet Virgil had become, his voice only barely ever above a whisper nowadays. "And no thanks to the cookies, Dad. I had some ramen earlier." He pulled the packaging from his pocket, finished with that day's date in Logan's handwriting.
In order to fight the depression, the darkness, Patton had made Virgil a deal. Anything that he ate had to be signed off on by another side. Upon seeing the package, Patton smiled. He and Virgil had a movie day, letting the other sides work on a video with Thomas for the day.
But even still...that day was a one in a million chance to happen. When he found out, he blamed himself. He thought Virgil had been getting better...had Patton not tried hard enough? Was he not enough?
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Logan was never one much for prayer, but right then, he was praying to every god that had ever been believed in the world.His list in hand, he knocked on Virgil's door softly. "Hello," he said once he saw the other side, offering an awkward smile.
Virgil rubbed his eyes and yawned. "Logan?" he asked, hella confused now. "It's like- three in the morning-" he showed Logan the phone.
"Yes, I am quite aware," Logan hummed, lying easily. "However, I did not think that this could wait until morning." He pushed past Virgil and went in uninvited, looking around some. The room was a mess, but Logan paid no mind. He sat on Virgil's bed and motioned him over, which Virgil hesitantly did. "May we talk?"
Hesitantly, Virgil nodded some. Logan gave him the list and he looked it over, sighing softly, exhausted and tired of them all doing this. "Logan," he said sternly, a hint of annoyance in his voice now.
"I'm worried-"
"I know," Virgil grumbled, shoving the list back to Logan and standing up. "But it's three in the fucking morning and I need sleep." He went and opened his bedroom door. "Get out, please. I want to rest, I don't feel good."
Logan watched, but slowly, he stood up. He didn't wanna push his limits, especially not with how fragile Virgil was right now. He left, but not until he stole a hug, the only one he'd ever gotten from the other. Little did he know, Logan only had one more hug from Virgil after this, and it was not a happy one.
Was this his fault? Had Logan not seen the signs early enough, should he have fought back that night....? Logan wasn't sure, but one thing he did know was that he blamed himself for what had happened the night after.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
Remus watched Virgil. He hadn't intervened at all yet, hadn't tried to talk him out of what he was obviously planning to do. But as he watched him with the rope and chair, he spoke up now.
"Virgil," Remus called out gently, causing Virgil to jump. He turned around and went to talk, but Remus hummed. "Don't speak," he said, going to him. "Gimme this." He yanked the rope away from Virgil, eyes hard as he tried to hide how terrified he was.
Virgil looked away, unable to meet Remus' eyes. "Fuck you," he whispered.
Remus rolled his eyes. "I won't let you die, Virgil. I care about you-"
"Stop saying that!" Virgil screamed now, his face red as hot tears fell down his cheeks. His body shook as he stared at the ground, barely holding back sobs. "You-you all fucking say that! And it's a-all a FUCKING LIE!" Virgil ran from his room, going past all the others now and locking himself in the bathroom to calm himself down.
Remus watched sadly, the others doing the same. Neither knew just how far gone Virgil was. Patton held onto Logan, who assured them all that Virgil wouldn't do it now that he had been caught in the middle of one. But oh how wrong he was.
As Remus sat there later that night, he wondered....had he been the reason Virgil chose this option? After all, he had teased him a lot, but they all had... Virgil had known they were only teasing....right? Right? Remus felt himself break as he started to sob, him and Roman sitting with the others in the living room after the ambulance had taken Virgil's body away from them.
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Logan sniffled as he stood at the pedestal, a letter in his hand. Virgil's suicide note. None of them had read it, choosing to wait until the funeral. Logan had volunteered for this, stating how he was the most logical, how he wouldn't cry. That was a lie. He shakily opened the letter, tears already slipping from his eyes to the envelope, then the page. With a wavering voice, Logan started to read.
"Hey guys. Yeah, I know. You all love me....and yes, I do believe that-" Logan had to clear his throat as he read, coughing to hide a small sob. Patton went and stood with him, taking Logan's hand, and then he resumed reading.
"Yes, I do believe that. I always have, especially you, Patton. And I know I never said it often, but I really do love you all as well. You're my best friends, my family. And I'm sorry I let you down so much with this. I am...I was in a lot of pain, guys. Mental, physical, emotional. I couldn't eat much, if I'm honest. I could barely get out of my bed. My body felt like cement, my mind was always racing to the point of numbness. I'm so sorry. I love you all so so much..."
Logan finally gave in and broke as he finished reading the letter. Patton held him as his knees buckled, and he gently lowered Logan to the ground. The other sides ran up to them both, all of them hugging one another as they all sobbed into the group hug.
All of the sides went to bed early that night. None of them could sleep, though, all of them mourning heavily. The memories hurt. The images burned in their minds killed them all inside.
'Where did I go wrong?' Patton wondered, crying into his pillow as he curled up, Virgil's hoodie engulfing him how he'd always seen it do on his son. The hoodie felt nice, warm... Patton sniffled, body shivering. He felt lips against his cheek, he hadn't felt that feeling in so long. He missed his kiddo's goodnight kisses, he missed tucking him into bed. Patton sobbed into the hoodie sleeve, biting his hand to keep the noise down.
'I lost a friend...' Janus rolled over, tossing and turning in bed all night long now. He couldn't sleep at all, he couldn't get any rest. He was exhausted. He gave in, opening his phone to the photo of Virgil he had of him smiling. He let out a choked sob, breaking down for the millionth time that night now. Janus looked up as a fleeting image passed in the corner of his eye. He sat up, but the shadow was gone. It was obviously Virgil, and Janus cried harder again.
'Somewhere along in the bitterness.' Remus sighed, not knowing what to do with himself anymore. He sat up with a bottle in his hand, drinking it. He had already downed three pints before this, and he had more lined up. He needed the thoughts to stop, but he stopped after a moment. Remus thought he had heard Virgil's normal scolding, telling him not to drink. He screamed, breaking the bottle against the wall as he sank to the floor, body racking as sobs ripped through him.
'And I would have stayed up with you all night.' Logan refused to sleep. This was on him. If he had just pushed a bit more, refused to leave...maybe his star-gazing buddy would be alive still... He watched as the tears he hadn't even known he had shed fell onto his paper in front of him. He felt a hand on his shoulder, a fleeting feeling, and grabbed it. He broke down as he found nothing there, a phantom feeling of Virgil's hand when he would get onto him for working too much.
'Had I known how to save a life.' Roman stared at the mirror across from him, eyes dull. He didn't know what to do with himself. A rose was in his hand, a purple rose, one from the funeral. It wasn't real and, unlike Virgil, this one wouldn't die. That was supposed to be comforting, but the thought just pissed him off even more. He let some tears slip, looking down, then back up again.
Roman's eyes widened as he stared at his reflection, Virgil next to him. However, the moment he blinked, Virgil was gone again. More tears slipped down as Roman clung to the rose, starting to cry. He had failed Virgil so much.
He hadn't known how to save a life.
None of them knew how to save a life, no matter how hard they'd each tried.