If someone were to ask you for once, without hesitating in your face, if you ever cried over a person, you would only answer one thing.
Your dad has been the only one to do it for the first time and thought it would be the last.
Because in your opinion, showing tears or even as much as crying over someone that's not a family was a sign of weakness.
That's why it shocked you to the core and it's kind of scary running for Jake as you immediately comes after him.
"Jake, wait!", you shouted after him once you came out of the elevator and sees him walking out of the door.
Everything went so fast. It was all over the place, there are some boys hanging out in the front room and were watching you run like a mad woman after one of them, a thing you never thought would come to a reality.
One of them is Sunghoon with Huening Kai, facing the fireplace together. He was about to follow if not for his roommate stopping him in meddling with things.
Things between you and Jake were falling apart.
When you found him standing by under one of the trees, he is just looking down at the ground, his shoulders down. He looks hurt but there is nothing to tell at first look except for his eyes, the emotion in it makes him look broken.
You never thought you would say the day the positive Jake would be like this.
You shouldn't have done any of those plans to avoid hurting yourself. What you were doing in attempting to put your heart first?
It was so selfish of you to refuse him of what you really felt.
"Jake, listen", you start and he lifted his head, not saying a word. His eyes are still wet but the rest of his face looked emotionless and cold, "I'm sorry for what I did"
Sorry is not enough, but right now it's all you have.
At this time, you can't even try to pretend that he wasn't affecting you. All your facade of toughness is falling apart.
Jake nods and smiles softly, looking down at the ground so he doesn't have to look at your face, "It's fine"
"It's fine?", you repeated his word in pure disbelief. He looks far from being fine, and his eyes did not know how to lie, "Why would -"
He cuts you off abruptly, "I said it's fine because I still love you despite of what I heard"
He really doesn't know how to be like you. To be a good actor. All he felt inside is out for everyone to see. His heart was on his sleeve.
For a moment, he goes silent. His eyes looking at you now in pain, of feeling betrayed even.
"I made a mistake. I love you and that's not a mistake. The mistake was thinking that you felt the same for me", he laughs, and it was painful to hear because you can see his sadness behind it.
It's not easy to hide the pain, but the best way is to cover it with a smile in front of that person you love, is what your mom used to say whenever you asked why she was that strong.
And the best representation of that quote is in front of you now.
"Jake...", you whisper, still not tearing up. You were that hard to crack even if you were already hurting inside.
What you wanted is for Jake to scream at you and shouts how much he hate you in your face, then you would be ready to receive all his anger. But he's not doing anything.
That's what make it more worse in this situation. He was just smiling through the pain.
"I'm used to it, don't worry", he stated sharply, like it's a simple fact.
Never it did enter your mind that those would be the words that broke your heart but they did. You could feel the strings in your heart being pulled apart like the day you run after your dad's leaving car and he didn't even do anything.
Like for tonight, Jake wasn't doing anything to stop the sadness in your heart.
"Why aren't you mad? Why aren't you screaming that you hate me? Tell me what I deserve to hear, Sim Jaeyun!", you kept on shouting at him as you punched weakly at his chest.
It's a stupid thing to do and you shouldn't want him to be angry, but it's better than to see him smiling even though there were tears in those beautiful eyes.
"I'm hurt, Y/N", he says, catching your fists in his hands, "I am a human, after all. I love you and it hurts, but it doesn't mean that I have to make you feel worse about it. I don't want to hurt your feelings", he tells you and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.
You can't take it anymore, so you clutched onto his collar and looked down on the ground, trying to stop those stupid waters from your eyes.
"Please scream at me. Jake, you can't keep it in. Please, Jake", you beg, shaking your head at him. His kindness is killing you inside, way more than anyone else had ever done.
No one had ever made you this desperate for someone to hurt you in return.
"I don't want to be the reason your heart is broken, even if you broke mine. I love you that much", Jake whispers the last part like it physically hurts him to say it.
You don't know what to do. All you knew is that it hurts everywhere inside. Sorry meant nothing. It won't take back what you did to him. The fact that he is being so nice makes it so much worse.
It makes you so much worse.
"You can go back to Jay now. I don't mind. Just please don't hurt him as well", Jake says, and this made you look at him.
"Are you even hearing yourself, Jake? You're the one I wanted, don't you understand? I never liked any of them but you", you basically exposed your secret to him.
He goes silent for a moment, like he is trying to process what you just said, "Am I supposed to be happy to hear it? I don't", his voice is slightly shaky.
As if he was a waiting bomb, ready to explode any second now.
"Please just let leave me alone", he says, and look at you, a single tear slowly falls down in his glistening cheeks.
It simply stops you in your tracks.
There is nothing more humiliating to than to admit you were so stupid in trying to be strong in front of him even at his breaking moment. Nothing makes you hate yourself more than being a cruel person and less than nice to the people you should care about.
The words he said for the last time rang in your head, making you close your eyes. Those damn tears were too stubborn, you see.
You heard Jake moves around as he turns his back on you, wiping off his own tears, "Do I have to get on my knees and beg you to leave me now? Just go, please"
You know when you're not wanted, so you nod and leave, walking the other way.
It's not that you wanted to leave, you just couldn't hurt him more than you already have. You knew that if you stayed, he would really go down to his kness and beg you to leave him alone.
But what he will never know, with each step that you take away from him, there were tears flowing down of your eyes. Only for him.
The first tears you shed for a guy.
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