The adrenaline and goodfeel-rush as I called it, crashed the moment I laid my head on the pillow. The ecstasy I got from torturing those fucks had masked the immense trauma that it caused me to see them. The amount of sex I had had with Trevor, only masked the pain I was feeling in my body. And once I couldn't torture them anymore, and not wanting to fuck Trevor to his possible death, all the emotions and all the pain came back ten times harder.
This outed itself in uncontrollable sobbing for hours. Trevor laid by my side, rubbing my waist and just softly speaking in my ear that I was safe and that everything was going to be ok. Even though he kept repeating that over and over again, it didn't work and that frustrated Trevor. He thought the solution might be calling up Hugo and William, but that only made things worse.
I didn't want my husbands to see me the way I was right now; weak and over-emotional. It was fucking heartbreaking to see the despair and the pain in their eyes, and if I stopped crying and if I was 'happy' again, that would disappear. But that was easier said than done, my whole body felt sore and I felt like utter and complete shit.
"Do you want some sleep drought love?" William asked carefully when we went into hour ten of uncontrollable crying. I didn't make any more noise, and my throat hurt like shit, but the pain in my body didn't stop. I shook my head as I put my head down and covered my head. "You don't have to hide from us, you know that right?" William said carefully as he put his hand on my covered arms and he rubbed it carefully. "We love you and we can understand that your mind is not-." He took a deep breath. "We can understand if you're immensely traumatised and that-."
"Don't send me back to Brusta." I stammered, the noise barely getting out. "I don't want to leave again. Please." I begged through my sobs and Hugo let out a deep breath.
"You're not going anywhere you don't want to, and you don't have to do anything you don't want to." Hugo said calmly. "You can do whatever you want for the rest of your life. We aren't stopping you. If you don't ever want to go to Brusta, you won't ever need to." He said calmly, his hand on my leg. Trevor's hand was still on my waist. I closed my eyes at his comment, but the moment I did, I saw Jude and I put my hand over my face as I tried to scream it out.
"Get out get out." I muttered. "I can't help you." I whispered to myself, but apparently, I was screaming it.
"It's ok Jules. It's ok. You can't do anything about it. It's fine." Trevor said holding onto me tightly and I tried to fight him a bit but he held onto me. "It's fine. She's in a better place now. She's in a better place now. She's with Lea and with Oliver and with mum, and your parents and sisters. There wasn't a place in this world for her, and you can't save her." He said and that calmed me a bit more as I opened my eyes, looking at the bottom half of my covers. "You're safe now. You will never have to go through that again." It was then I realised that Trevor was the only one that knew what had happened to Jude.
"Trev?" I stammered as I raised my covers a bit and I grabbed Will's hand whom accepted it gladly.
"Yeah babe?"
"Tell them please." I whispered softly as I held out my other hand. "Hu" I whispered and I heard him moving and he grabbed my other hand and he gave it a kiss.
"Are you sure?" Trevor said.
"Please tell them. I can't." I said as I closed my eyes as they hurt from the excessive crying, but this pain that was by my eyes right now, was something I was used to. I had felt this pain for months in Russia.
"You don't have to-." Hugo said but I squeezed his hand and he let out a deep breath. "Ok." He said and I closed my eyes and held onto Will and Hugo's hand tighter as Trevor told what had happened to Jude.
He repeated word for word what I had told him. It hurt to hear him tell my experiences but it also lifted a weight off of my shoulders. I heard William and Hugo responding to what Trevor said with sadness, and that calmed me down. I wasn't the only one that was fucked up in their emotions right now. William held onto my hand with both hands after a while. When Trevor was done with telling Hugo and William what had happened to me, it was silent for a while. I wasn't sobbing anymore, only silently crying. I heard the three of them crying too.
"So, if I ever say things like, safe her, I can't help you, or let me get to her." I stammered softly, as my voice hurt. "The three of you." But I couldn't finish as my voice hurt.
"Do you want something to drink babe?" Trevor said carefully and I gave a curt nod and he rolled away from me, me holding on tighter to Hugo and Will, whom had not let go of my hand.
"Here you go." Trevor said as he sat down next to me. "Why don't you sit up ok?" He said and I nodded as I took the covers from my face and I let go of William and Hugo's hand. I grabbed the glass from Trevor's hand and took a careful sip. I swallowed it and I looked sideways at Hugo.
Hugo hadn't said anything and tears were streaming down his face and I could see how much pain was spread across that perfect face. He was staring ahead, processing what Trevor had just told him about our baby girl. Our perfect brown eyed baby girl. I looked at William and he was looking at me with worry and loads of pain. He wiped some tears from his own face as he placed his hand on my leg and rubbed it a bit. I took another sip of my water and I felt Trevor rubbing my cheeks, wiping away the tears.
"I'm so proud of you Jules." Hugo said after another full minute of silence. I looked sideways at him and I was a tad confused, why was he proud of me? "You're so fucking strong. Like- I can''t." He shook his head. "If I had been in your shoes, I wouldn't have been. And I know that you're not fully ok right now and that you're in a lot of pain and that there will be good and bad days, but I'm so fucking proud to be able to say that I'm married to you, that you're my wife, that I'm your husband." He was rambling, my perfect Hugo was rambling. I didn't know why, but that made me smile a tad as I looked at him.
"Thank you." I whispered, as I couldn't speak; my throat hurt.
"We love you." William said carefully. "We'll always be here for you. Always. You will never disappoint us and you never have to be ashamed at the emotions you're feeling. It's because of us that you're in this mental state, and we will do whatever you want to make life easier for you."
"Without your family taking me, I wouldn't have met the three of you." I whispered softly. "Without the three of you, I'd have spend my whole life missing something." I said as I took another sip of my drink. "Without the three of you, I'd be nothing." I said.
"That's not true." Hugo said carefully. "I know that you think that, but you're amazing. You survived that year without us. You're independent Julia. You're- You're." He let out a small breath. "Please don't underestimate yourself." A tear rolled down my cheek.
"How could I live without the three of you? I could never. I survived that year, but I didn't live." I whispered and Trevor put his hand on my other leg.
"We can't live without you either. That doesn't mean that the way that we met and your life and all the trauma you endured is all right." Trevor said. "What Hugo and Will are trying to say is that we're sorry that you had to endure all that trauma to be with us."
"It's tradition." I said, feeling numb. "My kids-."
"We're not starting on kids until you're ready for that." Hugo interrupted, making me blink. "And you're not even close to ready."
"What if I'm never ready?" I whispered softly, putting my hand on Trevor's hand and he squeezed my fingers as if to say that he's proud of me.
"Then you'll never be ready." Hugo said. "And we won't get children. You won't ever have to do anything you're not comfortable with."
"But the Process will still go through with whomever will become Kings." I said softly.
"That is true. But we're only taking girls that are orphaned and were in Fostercare and have a better life here." William said softly. "We've changed it up entirely." He reassured me and I let another tear fall. "After two years of the brainwashing as you call it, they will still be in Gotar but they'll get a better life. They get an education beforehand, they get access to TV, and to books." He said softly. "They won't be stuck in a dark room for 8 years." I let tears fall as he said that. "They won't be tortured either. Physically." He said, adding the last part and I nodded slowly at that. "And if we were to get sons, we'll be open to them about the effects of trauma and they can't have children the first year of marriage to ensure that the Goddess is ready for it." He said and tears rolled down my cheeks. "We're doing everything we can to ensure that the future generations will have a better life."
"And what happens if I don't." I said softly. "If I don't want children, regarding succession?"
"Travis, Timothy and Owen." Hugo said and I frowned at that. "What?"
"What about James?" I whispered softly. "He's your son."
"But not yours." Hugo said softly as he rubbed my hand, having grabbed it. "And that is completely fine." I nodded slowly at that. "All in your time Julia. Your life has been decided for you up until now. You have a choice in everything. You are number one, not our country, you are." He whispered and I nodded slowly as I was exhausted. Not only from sobbing for the past ten hours, but also the physical activity I had done before that. "Do you want to sleep?"
"Yes. But don't leave." I whispered softly back. "Need the three of you right now."
"Then we'll stay. I'll sleep on the couch for tonight." Hugo said and I looked at him and at Will and at Trevor and then back ahead. "Or do you want me with you?"
"I don't know." I whispered softly. "I want all three of you with me, but that can't."
"We can." Will said and I nodded slowly as I laid down, snuggling against Trevor. "Anything you want Julia."
While I drifted to sleep, I realised that I had made progress in the past couple of hours. I had been honest with my husbands and with myself.
This was good. This could work.
A.N.
Sorry that I didn't update earlier today! I'm moving at the moment and I didn't have internet access all day!
I hope you've enjoyed this chapter, which gave us a bit more information about Julia's set of mind and what the Kings think of it. Did you enjoy this chapter? What do you think?