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Lovely by Rochellesjjx
Reviewer: MiniMoxx
Cover/Title: 8/10
. The title is a bit common, however I like it. You'll get people on Wattpad say they hate it BECAUSE it's common, but I think it's a good title.
. The cover is nice, but the black typing is hard to read. I would maybe look into changing it and maybe the font to make it easier to read.
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Blurb: 5/10
. I like the mystery of the blurb, it makes it interesting. What I would say is that it doesn't tell me anything about the book. What's the plot? Who's the character (even if it's just a tiny mystery of who she/he is?) that kind of thing. Maybe just weave some more in there to really make us get the flavour of what's to come?
. As I started reading, it took me a while to understand what was going to come, and I think thats because the blurb didn't tell me (I was also reviewing things so that didn't help my brain LOL) so I'd definitely just tell us more.
. Think main character. What is she after? Also, add in the leader because he seems to be a MC as well as he has a POV. Basically give us an exciting yet concise plot point in the blurb.
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First Chapter: 5/10
. I LOVE the beginning, the question is great and gets the reader hooked.
. What I wasnt sure about was: 'a reminder that I love me' - maybe this could be expanded upon because it doesn't quite make sense. Did you mean 'he loves me'?
. The paragraph that starts "sheesh" could use an edit. The semi colon isn't needed and the two sentences can be separated. This part is also an opportunity to use some more emotional description, maybe some imagery here.
. The memory of Frank found dead - doesn't quite make sense. Did she see him dead? If so, this would make sense, but needs a little tidying up. If not, I'd take it out or add that the memory was of the news etc.
. A lot of tense changes with dialogue tags. Some parts are past "said", some are presents "says" - I would pick one and try to stick with it.
Overall, the first chapter was good, however, I think right now it's lacking simply because of the errors. As a reader, I'd be distracted by these and wouldn't read on unfortunately. In saying that, I can see the potential in this, once it's edited to be a REALLY good first chapter.
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Grammar/Punctuation: 6/10
. I noticed a few tense changes, mainly around the words 'will' and 'can' placements. My advice for that would be to read it out loud. It'll become more obvious that way.
. Some places start without a word so it feels incomplete "Hard to believe I was happy" < should be a "it's" or "it was" depending on your tense of preference.
. I addressed a lot up in first chapter as it's all relevant in there LOL
. With the scene changes/ paragraph breaks I would just make it more obvious, with more space between them.
. Instead of showing a picture of the outfit in chapter 5, I would use this as an opportunity to use description and elevate your writing.
. Instead of going "doooo youuuu understanddd meee" - it doesnt look professional, so instead, again you can use this to try and get across some dialogue tags, or some description of the long drawn out voice to get across some characterisation here.
. I would puts thoughts on a separate line in italics, instead of >>these<<
. On the whole, your grammar isn't bad at all. Some places that could use just a little polishing. I think my main issue is the tense changes and to be honest, my main port of "issue" with the grammar is in chapter 1, so you're doing well!
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Vocab: 7/10
. The vocab is good, I don't feel bored or anything like that.
. What I would suggest is using more varied tones - so for example "said" - please don't get me wrong, I'm NOT one of these "said is dead" people. It's a good word as it helps the reader flow easier. However, what I do think is that you can get across a lot more sometimes by using different words for said. So like I use earlier "she lamented" or "she chuckled" or "she sighed" - I think these dialogue tags would help you just tighten the writing and help with a lot of the points I'm making as a whole about the story? I find it's amazing what one dialogue tag can do. You use more as the story goes on, but I just kind of thing more would bring it together because in some scenes there's barely any dialogue tags.
. With this, I think I would love to see a lot more literary devices, so similies for example. This would bring a lot more vocab, like i suggest above to really bring a difference to those characters. I think a lot of my suggestions really interlink with each other, and with one simple fix could bring a lot of my points together if you know what I mean.
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Plot/Pacing: 6/10
. The POV change in chapter 2 feels a bit rushed. I'd stick to one POV per chapter, if it's going to be a regular thing. If it's not, I would take it out all together. A POV change needs to be smooth and feel different, and right now it's one paragraph (and chops and changes within the chapter) and both POVs feel the same. The character's need more depth I think in able to pull this off smoothly and they definitely need more than 6-10 lines per POV. It slows the pace and plot down and makes the reader confused.
. The time change/flashbacks could be formatted a little better - maybe put them in 3rd person past or put them in a separate chapter labelled with the time etc? This would just make it smoother and more prominent.
. The plot is really intriguing, but I think as I've said below somewhere, the blurb doesn't tell me anything so it took me a while to get in to because I didn't really know what the plot was. I'd look at adding some blurb, and maybe adding a few little things to to first chapter to make the plot more obvious?
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Characters/Character Development: 5/10
. The characters right now feel a little 1-dimensional. In order to remedy these, you could add some more depth to them. So things to do that would be some emotional descriptions, (using literary devices like similies, metaphors, that kind of thing) and some more dialogue tags to show us their character more. So "I feel sad," she lamented. Or something like "I feel sad," she said, her eyes looking away from me. Something like that to show us characteristics, which also brings in some great characterisation.
. As above, with characterisation, to add to that, you could do that by adding some character traits, so does she fiddle with her hair, does she bite her nails. All of these types of things will add another layer and make them feel real.
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Originality: 7/10
. I think there's some originality here. I think the plot just needs to be smoothed out. It took me a while to really understand the plot (mainly because I'm reviewing pfft lmao!) but because there wasn't much from the blurb (I will go back and add to my bit about the blurb in a second, so you will have already read about it!)
Saying that however, I found the plot enjoyable and original. Your use of the other POV does that, but I would look at improving it by distinguishing the characters a bit more. It's also quite early on in the story so I'd assume the original ideas come out more later on - not a bad thing, just what tends to happen in romance stories ;)
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World Building: 5/10
. I feel like you have some potential here, but I don't get a lot of world building. You've got the beginnings though, I think you just need to ADD more. So more depth, more scenic description. You can relate this to the character development. So does Nadia view the world more descriptively than the leader? Does she see things more poetically - if she does you can weave the writing and description to view scenes more poetically. You could also use literary devices here to describe things.
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Imagery: 4/10
I've sort of addressed this as I've gone along so I'll do a very quick summary of my points here.
. More literary devices - I'd love to see you delve deeper into things, so similies, metaphors that kind of thing. These would bring a unique depth and add to characterisation, scenic descriptions and emotions. Honestly, I struggled with this and it's genuinely amazing what one little metaphor can tell you about a character.
. Description - sort of like above. You can use this kind of thing to your advantage, especially in dual POV stories. One character can describe differently, or more or less than the other. It raises your writing to another level and really distinguishes things.
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Overall: A story with A LOT of promise. I think you need to improve on little things, but when you add those little things, they do a lot for the story and it shows, if you know what i mean. It's truly got a lot of promise and I enjoyed it!
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Questions for the author:
- What do you think of the review? Did it help you improve?
- What kind of story are you going for? Tell us so we can understand you.
- What do you enjoy about writing? Tell us how it makes you feel.
- What is your writing process like?