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The Unbecoming of Kiara Taylor by Vinita03
Reviewer: MiniMoxx
Cover/Title: 8/10
. The cover is good! I like it, it gives off the romance vibes.
. The title is all right. To make it look more professional, I would get rid of the crown emojis. Upon reading the blurb, it doesn't really give off much of the plot. I'm hoping as I read it'll become clearer what relevance it has.
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Blurb: 4/10
. I think the blurb is a little all over the place and could do with shortening and tightening up. The first person you should introduce us to is the main character, not the love interest. I'd also get rid of the "Kiara: 25..." that reads like a profile. I would start with something like "Kiara Taylor refuses anyone to stand in her path until she meets Arnav..." (I'm paraphrasing here but you see what i mean).
. Right now the blurb is so long I would personally skip it and the point of it is to draw people in.
. The last 3 little bits are what we're going for - I'd use these, and tidy up the grammar/structure of them. Use these as your base.
So, get rid of the full stop before 'bound by' - these sentences can be combined.
. As an aside, there are SO MANY preface chapters before we get to the story. I'd use ONE chapter on Wattpad for aesthetics/playlist etc etc. It's so long, and I'm not sure why you need two chapters for playlists.
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First Chapter: 3/10
. That first paragraph is lovely, it hooks the readers in and is very relatable. The part where Kiara introduces herself to us feels awkward. Mainly because it breaks the fourth wall, and if that's the style of writing you're going for, that's great but it doesn't feel like it so far.
There are better ways of giving us her character without TELLING us. SHOW us. This can be done through the way she speaks, by other people looking at her/talking to her. For example you can SHOW us that she lived in London by having her looking at pictures as she walks through her room, show us that her grandma died by having her think of good moments with her.
. Not sure why her inner thoughts are in brackets, just the italics are fine.
Instead of 'ding-dong goes the door', just do a "the doorbell rang"
Overall: The first chapter doesn't hook me. It's a big info dump about our main character. While the first chapter of a book doesn't HAVE to have much happening in it, one big info dump isn't great. The chapter needs to hook, have a good cliffhanger, descriptions. The ending didn't feel complete either.
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Grammar/Punctuation: 3/10
. In the first chapter, where Kiara is being yelled at, you don't need to do this: Kiaaaaraaa. It looks distracting as a reader. Instead, I would use dialogue tags or in case of being in-dream, I would use description to show the reader the yelling/whining etc.
. I've noticed in some instances where you're not using a full stop in the dialogue, you aren't using punctuation. When dialogue isn't complete within the speech marks, you need to use commas, or a dash (this would be if interrupted). "Like this," says the reviewer.
. I've noticed a few tense changes throughout. It looks like you're trying to stick to past tense so try and stick to that throughout. Some places feel awkward, and I think it's the wording in places. For example: 'what does he considers himself to be' - this is grammatically wrong, but it's a little awkward anyway. Why would she think that and what does it mean?
There are some places that words are joined together.
. "Harry Styles" needs to be capitalised as it's a name of a person.
. Some places aren't capitalised when you start dialogue.
. When you use exclamation points, you only need one, not 4 or 5.
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Vocab: 4 /10
. Your writing is very simple, which is not a bad thing - in fact, it makes it simple to read which is nice. However because of this, the descriptions feel a little lacklustre and missing something. I'll come back to this under imagery.
. "What the heck even" in chapter 7 doesnt make sense.
. I think you could use some more imagery and analogies/similies (basically literary devices) because your vocab seems very simple and simply using these can bring so much to your plot.
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Plot/Pacing: 2/10
. The pacing feels slow to me; too slow. I think this is because there are places where you explain things, like the test at the beginning of chapter 2, and about the phrase 'don't jinx it'. I'm not sure why there are there. I'd condense it and/or get rid of it to make the pace feel better.
. Honestly, all these pictures within the prose is really making for slow pacing and it's turning me OFF the book all together. I want to be SHOWN what these things are, not told by a picture.
. The blurb mentions a marriage pact, and it's not brought in until chapter 7 - this is the main focus of the plot so should be brought in much earlier.
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Characters/Character Development: 2/10
. Our MC seems okay. I get a small feel for her and the snappy way she thinks. I like her overall. But I don't feel like she's REAL right now. I'm missing in depth things like the way she views the world around her, what little things she has going for her, like habits almost. For example, does she play with her hands/fingers, does she hum to herself. That kind of thing.
. Along with this, there isn't much about Kiara that makes her, HER. She feels like any other rich girl. She's meant to be a medical resident yet in her narrative she doesnt feel like a doctor. Where are her analysations of things? She'd be thinking medical jargon and yet her narrative is very generic 'rich girl falling head over heels'.
. I dont feel anything for any character right now and I think it's because there's no personality there. While there is for Kiara, it's not really followed through (as per above) they all speak the same, they all do the same things.
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Originality: 3/10
. It doesn't feel original right now, there's nothing that oozes it if I'm completely honest. However, there are parts where you started to do this. Things like her life in London, her grandmother dying. They are all points which make this story different and could bring the originality to the story. They were mentioned in earlier chapters but never really brought back and it's disappointing.
. Along with my point about her being a doctor, this is original for this story and I like it, but it's not very well handled. (point on that above)
. The arranged marriage is done so many times (I've even done it! LOL) and that isnt a bad thing, but you need to make it your own. I'm not really getting that, and I'm thinking because the plot is brought in so late. Try and make it earlier and make it your own. I think you have the basis for it (doctor, a grown woman etc) it needs to be brought out in the plot a LOT more.
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World Building: 5/10
. I didn't find a LOT of world building. There's no descriptions of things around her. Just of people. Or things of relevance. Like for example when Kiara scratches the car, we get shown that it's a brand, you could go further than that and make it an in-depth description of it.
. Some thing's you add that don't seem relevant. I know how this feels, I do this too. Like we don't need to know the brand name of the speaker or that she uses Airplay.
. I'm not sure why there's a picture of an iMessage conversation - I would type it out instead.
. Again with the picture of the bar. Take this out and instead use descriptions. It's distracting as a reader and you could really build on your descriptions if you chose this instead.
. With the Paris sequence, you bring in the history of the Arc de Triomphe - it's not needed. We're not here for a history lesson lol. I'd skip it out and world build instead - does she feel small in comparison? Is it breathtaking? That kind of thing.
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Imagery: 4/10
. On the whole, you have the base for good descriptions. However, they feel a little like they're missing something - depth, originality, literary devices.
. I won't go on about this a lot because I've gone into descriptions/devices etc above, and that all goes with imagery.
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OVERALL: This has the basis for a good story here, I just think you need to work on the above things to really make it engaging. A good premise though! Good luck! If have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!
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Questions for the author:
- What do you think of the review? Did it help you improve?
- What kind of story are you going for? Tell us so we can understand you.
- What do you enjoy about writing? Tell us how it makes you feel.
- What is your writing process like?