you're all i want

xli

warning: mention of self-harm

february 4, 2016. england.

"louis, honey, are you sure you're going to be up to driving to yorkshire by yourself today?" jay asks, sounding very concerned, pacing back and forth across the room. "dan can drive you if you need, miss jackson next door can watch the twins. or, i can call out of work to take you. i'm planning on only working for a couple hours anyway."

"mum, i'll be okay," louis cuts her off. "it's not that far. i flew here alone and everything was fine."

that is somewhat of a lie. although nothing too extremely disastrous happened, louis did have a breakdown on the plane where he cried so hard he ended up puking in the tiny bathroom, which resulted in him panicking just a little, which made the whole situation even worse. it took nearly an hour and several grumpy passengers banging on the door for louis to calm himself down enough to get back to his seat. jay doesn't need to know that, though.

jay sighs and takes a seat next to her oldest child on the couch. "i know, i know. i'm just worried. at least on the plane, you aren't in charge of it and keeping yourself safe. a lot of things can go wrong when you drive."

"i'll be fine, mum," louis promises. "besides, i'm going to see my therapist. it's not like i'm going out to a party or anything like that."

"are you sure? maybe you should just do a phone session instead. i'm sure doctor banner won't mind," jay rambles on.

"please, mum. i think i have to do something for myself. i've been so reliant on everyone lately. i can drive alone for thirty minutes," he argues. "plus, i think i want to spend a little time by myself right now."

"are you planning on hurting yourself? what if something happens?"

"if anything happens, i'll call you. i promise," louis says, trying to comfort his mother. of course he appreciates that she cares and is being so protective, but going to therapy already makes louis feel weak enough. he doesn't need to feel helpless for not even being able to drive there alone as well.

finally, jay gives in. "okay, but i want you to let me know the second you get there and before you leave. if you start feeling bad or anything, pull the car over and call me. even if you just have to stop to use the toilet. are we clear?" jay lists off.

"crystal."

jay finally pulls louis into her arms. "i am so proud of you for reaching out to doctor banner on your own. i know that's hard for you to do anyway."

"i love you, mum. i have to get going. i'll be home in a few hours."

"okay. i love you. call me if anything happens," jay reminds again.

"i will," louis promises as he heads out the door.

honestly, louis is a little nervous to drive. he hasn't truly been by himself since he called niall the night harry left. niall was almost always at his house, and drove him to the airport. on the plane, he was surrounded by flight attendants and other passengers, and then his mum was there to pick him up as soon as the plane landed. he hasn't gotten the chance to be truly alone, like he will be in the car.

louis tries to put on some music for the drive, but every song he has on his phone reminds him of harry, in one way or another. giving up on that, he puts the radio on as he starts to drive, but every song either reminds him of harry, too, or is absolutely terrible. louis ends up doing the drive in silence.

he lights a cigarette and distracts himself by reading every road sign and noting the color of each car that passes him. each time his cigarette burns out, he lights a new one and chain smokes for the entire drive. it's been a while since he has smoked so much. although there are times when he felt himself staring to drift away, thinking of harry again, louis safely gets himself into the parking lot of the therapy office. he sends a quick text to his mum to let her know that he made it, calls harry, and then makes his way inside.