you're all i want

xxxix

warning: mentions of self-harm

january 30, 2016. california.

"hi, this is harry. so sorry i missed your call. please leave a message and remember to treat people with kindness," harry's slow voice drawls out from the answering machine.

it seems like louis has heard that a million times in the past few days. countless unanswered calls have been filling up louis' time. he is desperate to hear back from the man he loves, but he is getting nothing. at this point, he knows that harry isn't going to answer, but that's the definition of insanity. doing the same thing over and over, expecting to get a different result.

"hi, harry," louis' voice shakes a little as he tries to make himself sound normal, like he hasn't been crying for four days straight. like he hasn't nearly lost his voice from the intensity of his sobs that he can't seem to fall asleep without anymore. "please call me back. or at least let me know if you're okay," he begs. "i'm so sorry i hurt you. all i ever wanted was to protect you and for you to be happy. i'm sorry i failed. i'm sorry i wasn't a good enough husband for you. i don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. i wouldn't want to be with me either. but please, you have to understand how much i love you. i doubt you're even listening to these voicemails anymore, if you even listened to them to begin with, but know that i love you more than anything in the world and i would do anything to make things right for you. please come home, harry. i need you here."

letting out a sigh of defeat, louis hangs up the phone. it has now been five days since harry has spoken to him, and louis has been unable to get himself out of bed. this is the longest he has ever gone without speaking to harry. it was almost this long when he was at the hospital, but him and harry were on good terms then. it wasn't like this. harry still loved him then.

niall has been with louis every day since the breakup. he has barely left, only to make a quick run to the shops and to pick up some things from his own place. he has been doing everything he can to make sure louis is taken care of. left to himself, niall knows he wouldn't be eating or getting out of bed at all. it may be a struggle, but getting a few hundred calories into louis every day is at least something. the only slightly good thing about louis' current state is the fact he doesn't even have enough motivation to get out of bed, so he hasn't been able to make any attempts to get into the bathroom to hurt himself. even if he wanted to, niall hasn't given him a chance. he is almost always with louis and makes sure louis doesn't lock the bathroom door any time he goes in.

besides his desperate voicemails to harry, louis hasn't spoken at all. sometimes, he will be able to mutter a "thank you" to niall, but that seems to be all louis can bring himself to do. he hasn't even called his mum to tell her what happened yet. there is some small part of him that hopes that if he doesn't tell her, then it won't be true, and he will wake up with his harry beside him. if he doesn't acknowledge it, maybe it won't actually be reality.

niall took care of the angry calls from management about louis missing some appearances and photos with briana and freddie, somehow convincing them to release more photoshopped photos, rather than forcing louis to go out and get papped. that is something that would not go well in the state louis is currently in. even if he could get louis out of the house, niall knows they would be the least convincing pap photos ever. it's hard enough for louis to look happy enough with these publicity stunts anyway. he would never be able to do it in this situation.

niall has also kept in contact with liam, who has been doing everything he can to support louis from an ocean away. it is difficult because louis won't talk to him, but between niall and liam, they have been able to keep louis alive. both of them are at a loss about what to do. louis and harry relied on each other a lot. harry was the one thing keeping louis from falling off the deep end, and now he is gone. that is something that no one predicted would ever happen, so they never even fathomed how to deal with that situation.