you're all i want

xix

warning: brief mention of self-harm

april 30, 2015. england.

the night after his first therapy session, louis ends up sitting on his bed, starting at zayn's contact on his phone, debating over if he should press call or not. zayn was a topic of discussion during the session, so his therapist recommended that louis tries to make amends with him.

louis had promised jay to take the session seriously, so he told doctor banner about his ongoing conflicts with their management and about his fight with zayn, which were the two final events that caused him to reach his breaking point. doctor banner had been told about louis' suicide attempt, but didn't have much else because he had never been to a therapist before this. louis pretty much had to start from scratch. while they were talking, louis did his best to keep things vague enough that he didn't feel like he was spilling everything to the stranger. he wanted to ease his mum's mind, but he was still not comfortable talking to a therapist. he doesn't even feel comfortable talking to his own husband about a lot of this stuff. he's been keeping everything secret for a long time. how can he be expected to let all of his defenses down for someone he's never met before?

before he even entered the room, louis decided his sexuality was not something that was going to be discussed. he knows that it probably would be the most important thing to discuss, but he can't risk any more homophobia right now. he doesn't want to tell anyone that he's gay, especially not someone who he doesn't know or trust at all. logically, he knows that doctor banner's job is to listen to him and support him, but he's terrified that the therapist will also blame him for everything due to his sexuality. apparently management has ruined this for him.

after telling doctor banner about his argument with zayn, the therapist suggested that he reaches out to zayn again. louis had tried calling and texting zayn a few times in the weeks prior to their argument, but hasn't bothered since. doctor banner thinks that if louis at least tries to work things out with zayn, it will relieve a lot of stress that has been building up on him lately.

hoping that the doctor is right, louis agreed to calling zayn, which is why he is now sitting here, feeling as if time has slowed down as his thumb presses the call button and the phone starts ringing.

each time the phone rings, louis heart races just a little bit more. he knows he probably isn't ready to have this conversation right now, but he knows he needs to. maybe zayn was just having a bad day, and that is why he snapped at louis. that would be understandable and louis would be able to forgive him. of course, louis knows that the word "burden" will probably always haunt him, but exchanging an olive branch with zayn will hopefully help, just a little.

finally, right before the call goes to voicemail, zayn accepts the call.

"hello?"

louis breath hitches in his throat for a moment. "hi, zayn."

"what do you need, louis?"

louis frowns. zayn does not sound happy to hear from him. hopefully this doesn't turn out as bad as it did last time. "i thought we should probably talk about what happened a couple weeks ago," louis explains, regretting his decision to make the call more each and every second.

"what about it?" zayn asks.

"you're one of my best mates. you've been completely absent ever since you left the tour, and then when i finally got you to talk to me when i really needed you, you treated me like i was nothing," louis answers. "why? we were so close."

"i don't want to have anything to do with that band anymore, louis. i hated the band. it was never what i wanted, youu know that," zayn states.

"this band gave you everything you have. fame, money, opportunity. not to mention the other lads. we all love you, zayn. you're family to us," louis exclaims. "of course i recognize the bad shit that comes with being in the band, of course i do, i was just hospitalized for it. but, you can't just ignore everything this band did for you though. i thought we would mean more than that to you."