you're all i want

xxxvii

i am sorry for what i am about to do to you.

warning: self-harm and mentions of suicide

january 25, 2016. california.

"mate, you'll be free eventually. they can't keep doing this to you forever," liam tries to reason with louis over the phone. he knows that it has been hell for louis lately. the last three days have consisted of him having to fake happiness over a child that isn't his for dozens and dozens of paparazzi. liam knows how bad it is, but he has to try to steer louis towards some optimism.

"yeah, but they must have some sort of long term plan. this kid was just born. why go through all of this if it's going to be over so soon, anyway?" louis sighs.

"it sucks, i know, tommo. please just try to keep your head up, for me?" liam pleads. "this is now your year. you get to make it whatever you want. it's not up to modest! anymore."

"yeah, we'll see."

"i better run. it's getting late here now. go spend some time with mr. lover-boy. tell him i say hi. i'll talk to you tomorrow," he explains.

louis mentally kicks himself for forgetting the time difference between him and liam right now. he's at home in the uk, while louis still has to be in america because of the baby. "sorry, mate, i shouldn't have called so late. i'll talk to you soon."

"don't worry about it. it's never too late for you," liam promises.

the two say their goodbyes and louis shoves his phone back into his pocket. he climbs off of the bed and exits the bedroom, on a mission to find harry.

"just got off the phone with liam. he says hi," louis says, entering the kitchen where harry is busy with putting away some dishes.

"come here, sunflower," harry requests. louis approaches and harry wraps his arms around him, resting his head on top of louis'.

"i can't believe we're finally so close to being done with management. our last official thing with them comes out tomorrow. after this video, we'll be free," harry says with a smile. his eyes appear so bright as he talks about the thing he has looked forward to since he and louis first started dating so many years ago. "after we come out, we should go on a vacation. just the two of us. i'll take you somewhere romantic where we can hold hands and kiss whenever we want and not have to worry about what anyone has to say. we can go to our first pride parade and volunteer to help the trevor project. maybe we can do some music together with just us. we'll finally be able to explain our tattoos and tell the fans what happened in wellington. we'll be able to be ourselves for the first time with nothing to hide," harry babbles on, unable to hide his excitement.

after a couple minutes of harry rambling on about all of his plans for when they finally come out, louis finally has to speak up, not wanting to give harry false hope for any longer. this is a conversation he should have started a long time ago, but has never had the courage. now, they are so close to being free of management, he can't put it off for any longer.

"harry," he interrupts.

harry stops talking and looks over towards louis. "yeah? what is it?" he asks, concerned with the solemn look on his husband's face.

louis sighs and takes a deep breath to prepare himself. "i don't want to come out," he finally admits.

"what?" harry asks in shock. he takes a step back from louis, not knowing what to do. this has been something he's looked forward to for years. he has been using the thought of finally getting to come out with his husband to get him through the closet and fake girlfriends. he has spent so long fantasizing about how they would come out when they're finally free from modest! and what they would finally be able to do. now all of a sudden, louis is backing out?