you're all i want

iii

warning: there is smoking and self-harm in this chapter.

february 28, 2015. japan.

a couple hours before their show, louis found himself sitting outside at the back of the venue, chain smoking cigarettes. he knows that this is going to completely destroy his voice some day, but right now, he can't find it in himself to care.

louis has been outside for a little less than a half hour, and working on his fifth cigarette, when someone joins him.

zayn takes a seat on the cold, hard bench next to louis, and the two sit in silence for a minute before zayn asks for a cigarette.

louis obliges and offers his lighter to zayn as well.

louis knows that zayn also struggles with the life that they had been thrust into. zayn's anxiety made it difficult for him to really enjoy being on stage, and constantly interacting with fans and the press. he also quarreled with management, but in a different way than louis. management refused to let zayn express himself creatively, always rejecting his ideas for new music, and constraining him so much, he was suffocating.

the two of them grew closer to each other because of their struggles, though neither talked about how detrimental it has all been to their mental health. they didn't need to discuss it, though. they both had an instinct that told them something was wrong, but sometimes it was enough to just sit in silence with either a cigarette or a joint in hand.

"aren't you cold, mate?" zayn's soft voice broke the silence. "you didn't grab a jacket before coming out here. that jumper doesn't seem very warm."

louis recognizes the concern in his friend's voice and shrugs. "not that bad," he slightly raises the hand with the cigarette in it. "keeps me warm."

zayn sighs. "you've been out here for ages," he says as he takes his own jacket off and places it around louis' shoulders. louis instantly feels the warmth from the jacket rush to his cool body, not even noticing how cold it was before.

"thanks, z."

the two sit in silence for another couple of minutes, until louis' cigarette burns out and he pulls out his pack to get a new one. zayn puts his hand out and stops him.

"i think you've had enough for now," zayn interrupts. he puts out the rest of his cigarette as well. "remember when we first got put in the band? how excited we all were?"

louis turns his attention to zayn, curious as to where he was going.

"this is all we ever wanted, you know? traveling the world. making music. we were so hopeful. i wish we knew what we were signing up for. maybe i wouldn't have gotten out of bed the morning of my audition." zayn let out a small, pained laugh. "i wish they knew. the fans. i love them, you know i do, but do you think they would want us living like this if they knew? they're tearing you apart. i can see it. harry can see it. do you think the fans would let us go if it meant we could be free?"

unsure of how to respond to zayn's words, louis stays silent for a moment. of course, this is something that runs through louis' mind often, but he has never been able to put it into words. never even able to bring it up to harry. "i don't know if they'd understand."

zayn nods, sadly, but tries to hide his emotions from louis. louis wishes he could take zayn's pain away. he wishes he knew what was running through zayn's mind and find a way to make it better. zayn is one of his closest friends, and louis wishes that he would be able to make him happy, but he knows he can't.

zayn stands up and grabs louis' hand to pull him to his feet as well. "your husband misses you. we better get back inside."

louis complies and follows zayn back into the venue, handing him back his jacket once he feels the heat from the building warming him. they enter their dressing room and take a seat on the couch with the other three boys.