you're all i want

xxxv

january 8, 2016. england.

louis has himself curled up in bed, underneath piles of blankets. he is completely submerged so that if someone walked in, they probably wouldn't even notice he was there. that's how louis wants it. he doesn't want to have to face anything today.

harry isn't home right now. he is out doing some shopping or something, louis isn't really sure. harry had offered for louis to go with him, but today is one of those days where the last thing louis wants to do is move. he has virtually no energy, even though he has been drifting in and out of sleep all day. facing the world is too much for him right now, so he planned to avoid everything except the warm confines of his bed.

sometimes he has these days where everything just becomes way too difficult for him to deal with for a while. his emotions just weigh down so heavily that sometimes, he struggles to breathe. the thing he needs more than anything is a cigarette, or a joint, or even just a drink, but he can't even do that. getting out of bed is too hard, even  if it is for something that will help take the edge off a little. all he wants to do is sleep and wait for this to pass.

sadly, his plans were interrupted by a phone call from modest! management, informing him that he was expected to fly to california soon. briana is expected to go into labor within the next couple of weeks, and the media would have too many things to say if louis wasn't there for the birth of his first child, even though the stunt with briana and louis is over.

apparently, management didn't like briana's public image, so they were quick to stage a breakup and have louis start dating danielle campbell. louis hates the image that they are painting with him. in his personal life, louis can't ever imagine getting someone pregnant, leaving them, and then so soon after, start dating someone new. throughout 2015, louis has been in three different public relationships and having a baby come out of one of them. even if louis wasn't with harry, he could never imagine doing the things that are being pushed onto his public image.

louis doesn't want to go to california. he wants to stay at home, in london, with harry and clifford. liam is also in london right now, and they had discussed meeting up to write a little. now, that is going to have to be pushed back. louis is going to have to call up gemma or eleanor and ask them to watch over clifford while he's gone.

he hates the fact that he'll be inconveniencing them. he's supposed to be on a break right now. he should be able to stay home with his husband and puppy, and not have to worry about publicity stunts. he should be able to make his own choices. to stay in london, to tell everyone that the child is not his, to say "fuck you" to management. harry is hopeful, but louis doesn't feel like they're there any closer to their freedom.

out of seemingly nowhere, louis feels a wetness on his cheeks. he didn't even realize that he has started crying. he can't even recall why. he feels almost a disconnect with his brain and his body. he has no control over his actions or his body's reaction to his damaging thoughts.

louis' phone buzzes with a new text alert, which brings him to be somewhat alert. the message is from doctor banner, who is checking in and asking when their next appointment will be. they were supposed to have a call later today, but when louis woke up, he cancelled it. he knows that it is probably not smart to cancel a therapy session on a day when he feels particularly shitty, but he can't be bothered right now. he can't bring himself to move, let alone talk to somebody, especially a therapist.

in the long run, talking to doctor banner right now would help. it's his job to deal with situations like this. louis recognizes this, but that is too hard for him to do right now. he can't listen to the logical side of his brain because he is way too emotionally drained right now.