you're all i want

xlii

warning: self-harm and suicide

february 14, 2016. england. california.

it has been almost three weeks since the day harry left and louis still isn't doing much better. time is supposed to heal wounds, but every day that goes by just makes it feel harder and harder to breathe. louis feels like he's underwater. the longer he's under, the harder and more painful it is, but it doesn't feel like there's much healing. you don't just grow a pair of gills overnight. that took millions of years of evolution.

today has been a particularly rough day. more pap photos of harry have come out from the past few days and it's hard for louis to look at them. he looks happy, like he's not even thinking about it being his first valentine's day in five years without the man he used to claim is the love of his life. it's hard to see harry out and about when louis can hardly bring himself to leave the house to get a cuppa, like doctor banner suggested. he tries, but honestly, everything is just too hard for him most of the time.

although his tears seem to dry up on occasion, they always find a way to come back like a wave. louis can't stop himself from thinking about harry every waking moment of every day. he can't stop thinking about what he did wrong and things he should have done to fix it. he should have been more open. he should have been less emotional during their fight. he should have just agreed to come out because he would so gladly have everyone know about his sexuality if it meant harry was still with him. harry is his priority and he would change everything in a heartbeat if it meant harry was his again.

everything else seems secondary now. it's like he is stranded on a deserted island and is willing to do anything to survive. harry is his survival. he would give up anything to have him back, yet harry clearly doesn't feel the same. he has not said a word to louis since he left and has not acknowledged a single one of the hundred voicemails louis left him in desperation.

as the days go on, it becomes even more and more difficult for louis to find reasons to go on. to him, nothing is worth it anymore. he is just in so much pain and there is nothing left to relieve any of it. harry is gone, his band is gone, and after nearly 6 years of those two things being his entire life, their sudden absence is really difficult to adjust to. it doesn't help that the first thing louis thinks of every morning when he opens his eyes is harry's face, and that is also the last thing he sees before he drifts off into a restless sleep every night. the thought of a permanent end to this pain is just too tempting.

today is the first day that louis is being left at home alone for more than a couple hours. dan had to leave for work at about six o'clock that morning, while jay had to leave about two hours later, bringing all of the kids with her to drop them off at school or daycare. the limited hours that jay was taking to stay at home with louis had been used up, so now she has to go back in full time, leaving louis by himself for an entire day.

the thought of being alone in part is a little terrifying, but also incredibly relieving at the same time. this means there is no pressure for him to get out of bed to do anything or socialize with his family. it's almost like a short break from the exhaustion of the expectations put on him. on the other side of things, this also means that there is no one to stop his thoughts or prevent him from doing the thing he has been thinking about since he woke up that morning.

at some point a little while after the house cleared out, louis finds himself wandering downstairs to the kitchen, taking a hold on a steak knife that he found on the drying rack. he carefully runs his fingers along the blade, in somewhat of a trance. he keeps an eye on the shiny blade as he makes his way back upstairs.

once in his room again, louis takes a seat at his desk and digs out the notebook he has been using most recently for his songwriting.

the last song he had been writing had been titled "too young". he had been writing it as sort of an apology to harry. louis has only gotten through a couple of the verses so far, but he doesn't feel like it fully covers everything he needs to say right now, so he sits down to finish it.