Since I have met you!

34. Rebecca

At the evening I went to the college. I went to the rooftop, where all this bullshit started. He was an idiot from that day on. My eyes were swelled because of my tears which were still falling down. I cried a lot, while running here. My feet hurt because of these heels. However, I wanted to end this for real. I wanted this so desperately to happen tonight and now this was the end. I couldn't stay here. I had to go. I never ever wanted to see Josh again. But where should I go? I was lost and broken. I could have screamed out loud. there was so much anger and sadness inside me which I don't know could get out of me.

I noticed that on the top of the building was it absolutely freezing. I was climbing over the railing and looked down. If there another option? Yes. Do I want to face it? No. It felt like an déjà-vu. I was hear some years ago too. But this wasn't the reason because of a guy. This was something more deep. Now, I just couldn't face the embarrassment which I would face in the next weeks. "Stop!", somebody called.

Today I really heard enough stops. But this voice, was someone, I thought I would never see again. "Really, we are here again. How long was it since I found you right on the same spot, wishing your life was coming to an end.", Chris asked. "Two year ago?", I asked. "700 hundred days straight.", he answered. "Bullshit." I said. "No, it's the truth. About 700 days ago, you wanted to do that, not because of some stupid boy, but you wanted to because of something else. Why now? You have gotten stronger. You found friends who loved you. You fought your fears and your demons. You achieved more, what I never could achieve in my whole life. You were proud of what you felt. And lately but finally you noticed what happiness was for you.", Chris explained.

"However, you were wrong there. I could never be happy. I am a loser, a miserable person who will never find real love. Never happiness. The people, I like always leaves me behind after some time. After some time, I won't have someone anymore. Then I am a lonely person again. They will leave like they always do. I don't want that anymore. You left too. Why am I feeling such a strong bond to every person, if I have only known them for a week or so. Why do I care so much?"

"Bullshit. You have friends which don't leave you. I told you every so often that I would never leave you. Never. I always will keep an eye on you. Even if you push me away like you always try if you feel insecure. When you are scared. But you see, you can push, you can fight with me, but I will always be there. And you will find the love of your life. But you don't will find out, if you will end your life now. Would you want to let your friends found out, what this real meaning behind this was or do you want to tell Josh about that past and repeating it again?"

"You are not better. Tell your parents, how you really feel. You are too scared to accept that in front of them. But here are you standing and talking to me about my past, my darkest secrets which nobody should ever know. About the fact that I wanted to hide as far away as possible, but which is impossible because it is a part of me. I am fucked up. More than everyone in my friendship circle. They wouldn't understand. They would leave. As long as I pretend to be normal, they might would stay for a bit longer. Although he wouldn't. He won't because he already saw it and want to be together with a fairy girly acting bitch, who won for another time. She treated me like shit and was right. No, good looking guy will never be interested in a girl like me. I am not her or other girls and will never be. And I hate that."

"Yes, because you are stronger."

"No, I am callous, I can't feel!"

"Yes. You can and you have, or you wouldn't stand there right now."

"But I don't want to. And since this heartbreak it will be impossible for me to feel ever again. And even I found the time better, where I thought love was an illusion and not possible for me."

"But then you had missed all these great memories. And you would miss the upcoming once. You should see the world now, Becca. You deserve to see it." "What?", I asked, the first time looking at him and not the dark city.

"I wanted to ask you to come travel with me over summer in my car. Just the two of us." "Your boyfriend won't be pissed?"

"No, he is with his family and I would be with my family."

"Oh, that's so sweet", I sniffled. He now holding my hand and helped me come back onto the safe ground. "So now it's better, isn't it?"

"A bit, but I still hate this perfect guy and Sandra."

"No, he isn't that perfect as he seemed to be. And this girl isn't worth crying."

"Why do you know that he isn't perfect? Maybe he was perfect for me.", I asked curiously.

Chris took out his cell phone. He searched something on Youtube. Then there was a Video from Nick. Nick filmed? You could see Josh drive a big van. They moved houses. "Have you known that your Josh, can't drive with or without Google Maps? His driving skills are miserable. And he always complains that somebody else is fault. Even the voice from Google Maps and she is a robot. Do you really want to spend the days with this idiot?", Chris asked. I started to chuckle. No. I shook my head. We watched the short film. He argued with Nick about that Google was wrong. "Google maps is always right.", I said. "Yes, he is not the brightest star under the stars, as it seems. And I have another one.", announced Chris and showed me a film where Josh was in a club. Electro club with electro music. He was holding a Red Bull in his hand and whipping his head not to the rhythm of the beats. He had no feeling for music. "When he is drunken, he is definitely a better dancer.", I laughed. "Not completely true. I have heard something different from Severin. He said that he had better dance moves and you and Sevi were like a dance machine. Josh wouldn't fit that perfect."

"That was the best night.", I swayed back to that night were me and Josh dancing and kissing each other with so much passion. Yes, Severin was better, but this dance with Josh was just on a new level. I felt that.

"Maybe it's because of his fat dog that his dance moves are lacking. But if he is not drunk you could never dance with this jerk.", Chris said. "True." I stated. So, we were sitting there the whole night to the morning and talked about nonsense. Sometimes I cried but only a bit. After Chris twentieth joke about his fat dog, I couldn't be sad about Josh, or furious at Sandra. I was just tired of all of this.

"Why did you come?", I asked Chris.

"Because I promised you to be around if you need my help and the others were worried about you. But don't worry, I wrote them that you are fine." I smiled at him. I should be happy to have such a great friend. Chris was the best. Always.

"Sorry that I snapped at you about that gay thing with your parents. I should know best that it's not always the easiest part to tell parents something really private. For example, about your feelings, worries, anxieties.", now I felt bad about my outbreak earlier. He was acting so great with me and I was just always so mean to most of them.

"No problem. You were also right with that. I need to tell them. No more hiding for both of us, I would say. You be honest with your friends and I be honest with my parents."

"That's a deal. But only a bit. I tell them about my mood swings, but my demons are too early.", I said and gave him a fist bump. "I have heard that Nick hit him in the face.", Chris said. "That was the right thing to do. Next time, perhaps I will do it."