Since I have met you!

21 Josh

Why did I do that to myself? 

To my physical health. I didn't know. Should I had stepped over my childish behaviour and had just gone to her? Absolutely. 

However, I let the best opportunity in my life passed, regretting it more than anything in the world right now and did something awful to her. I let her go. Only because my subconsciousness and also my stubborn consciousness had been conspired against me and said that maybe, yeah maybe there was a chance that my college girl was only into me -if she was- because of my career.

As if it would matter to me now.

As if I would have a future with this shit modelling.

Nevertheless, it definitely seemed that my mother and also Sandra had been preoccupied with my model career. Me, sadly not. I didn't know what I wanted to do, although I had a lot of opportunities. My inner feelings told me to wait and decide when the time comes. "It took longer than initially presumed.

I nibbled on my bread with salad, ham, cheese, green splash with a lot of cream, which had some protein included. Mom assessed that this was the nutrients which I would need to push up my body. The taste was a disaster. 

"Boah man, I can't believe you really eat that shit. Here, I brought you potato chips. Better than that alien food.", Dean said and threw me a bag with chips in front of me on the table. We had a few minutes break and he and some friends were getting food somewhere else as I tried to eat my food. However, my appetite was gone since a few days and I felt like a lonely dessert. Empty. Exhausted.

"Hey, everything okay?", a guy on the table next to ours asked. 

"Yeah, fine.", I scoffed. 

"That was far-fetched. C'mon we know all that this is because you didn't sit next to her one the bus.", Robe, one of my friends replied. 

"Wait? The love-story did go on? OMG. What happened?", another one asked before Dean tried to shush them to finally shut up. Again, after the second attempt Dean gave up. They wanted to hear the story. They will get a story. Ohhh, and that is not a fucking love story.

"Okay, she was there at the same station, in the same bus and I was a douchebag and hadn't enough nuts to go to her and sit next to her. I didn't get my mouth open." Now most of the newcomers were surprised of my sentimental statement. Even Dean thought that I would try to be hard-nosed and shrug it off. But I was finished with this. I wanted to finally admit it. I was the idiot. Frightened to know the truth. To finally accept the fact that we were drawn to each other by faith or misunderstanding.

"But the pirouette was pretty nice.", Dean added to this dire situation. All of the boys started to laugh which seemed to lift up the heavy tension which laid after my glorious story in the air. Now, they all got their voice back and started to suggest that I should let her see how I got the pants on here. That I would walk up to her and tell her. Look into her currently sad emerald eyes and say that everything will be fine. That I truly admit what I want. What I feel. To be the one who looked alluring and not completely out of world. Because hiding like an idiot, trying to wait for a wonder wasn't possible. The wish wouldn't come true anymore. There were too many encounters. Too many which I didn't take.

Now she didn't even look at me anymore. She was only on the phone, looking at the many colourful advertisement in the dark U3 underground without catching a glimpse of my appearance. And that made me triste. That made me furious. It made me miserable. Unconsciously had I caused her the biggest pain which I was able to deliver to her. 

And that was my non-existence on that day. 

And I am truly sorry and had all fault in the world because she chose to let me go.