His Plastic Doll

Chapter Fifteen

"Alam mo Conan puro ka na lang tawa. Naku, mamaya, sisingilin na talaga kita. Lima-limang piso rin kada tawa," sabi ni Ella nang may iretable nang tingin sa akin.

Nasa canteen kaming mga magkakaibigan, masayang nanananghalian. Magkakatabi kami nina Inesa at Ella sa isang gilid, habang katapat namin sina Christian at Ryle. Mag-a-ala-una na kaya kami-kami na lang itong naiwan sa canteen dahil may klase na ang ilan, habang kami naman ay alas-dos pa ng hapon ang sunod na klase kaya nagagawa pa naming makapagkwentuhan.

"Oh, ito oh." Bumunot ako sa wallet ng mga barya at nagsitawanan silang lahat. Nakingiti na lang din ako dahil paniwalang-paniwala sila na magbabayad talaga ko.

"Mag-ambag ka naman din kasi," sabi ni Christian na hilig magsalita habang puno ang bibig. Minsan talaga hindi ko maintindihan kung paanong sa pagiging makalat nito ay naging kaibigan pa rin ito ni Ryle.

"Ayun na nga iyong limang piso ko kanina. Ayaw niyo namang tanggapin."

"Baliw. Hindi iyon!" sabi ni Christian. "Kwento ang kailangan namin. Wala ka bang update man lang sa buhay mo?"

I shrugged. "Uhh, nitong nakaraan lang, nadagdagan ng limang piso iyong sahod ko."

Nayuko ang ilan sa kanila at natawa na lang nang palihim. I know it's silly, but Inesa was kind enough to say, "Nice! Congrats, Conan!" At gusto pa sana niya akong palakpakan nang sungitan siya ni Ella ng tingin dahil sa kanyang kamangmangan. Hindi niya alam na nagpapaka-sarcastic lang ako.

"Ito na lang, tanungin na lang kita," sabi ni Ella sa akin, "kailan mo na-realize na bakla ka?"

Ryle shot her a look. "Ella."

"What? May masama ba sa tanong ko?"

It was actually one of the most common questions asked to me by my curious friends and I could testify that it was a harmless one—as long as out na ang pinagtatanungan syempre.

"Just a warning lang," pagklaro ni Ryle sa naging asal niya kay Ella, sabay sulyap sa akin para siguro suriin ako kung okay lang ba sa aking matanong ng ganoon. I smiled at him discreetly to let him know that it was perfectly fine.

I know why Ryle reacted like that. Ella had this history kasi na binabanggit niya kaagad kung anong una niyang naiisip, without even considering how the other person would feel. Medyo nakatatakot na ugali, yes, pero sanay na rin kami kay Ella. And it's not like she intentionally wanted to hurt a person. Wala lang talaga siyang ideya kung alin ang nakasasakit sa hindi nakasasakit.

"Uhh, heto," panimula ko. "Let me just clear muna na there's not a single event that made me think I was gay. Maraming factors actually. But there's one case na mas angat sa iba and that was when I watched a porn for the first time. Na-realize ko lang na sa lalaki ako mas naka-focus, na mas napapapigil ako ng hininga noong iyong lalaki na iyong naghubad, na sa buong sandali ng palabas doon ako nakatitig sa kanyang—" I stopped when they were no longer meeting my eye. "Sorry, I think that was too much detail but that's the answer to your question."

"Wow, Conan. Sorry I forgot na may pagka-wild ka nga pala," matawa-tawang sabi ni Ella. Ilang sandali ay tinanggal na niya ang kanyang kamay mula sa mga tainga ni Inesa. Ugali na kasi niyang biruin si Inesa na baby pa ito at kinakailangang ma-protektahan sa mga makamundong bagay, na siyang madalas na kinaiinisan ni Inesa dahil ayaw na ayaw niyang tinuturing siyang bata.

Ilang sandali rin kaming natahimik na pakiramdam ko tuloy ay hindi ko sinasadyang napatay ang vibe. I looked at Ryle but he wasn't focused on me, but to Inesa, who was trying to come up with words. I couldn't read his reaction. Was that a look of admiration? Or was he just intrigued by her actions? I don't know. But I couldn't help but feel threatened whenever I see signs of him glancing at her.

"Ako naman ang magtanong, if it's okay for you," sabi ni Inesa.

Bahagyang nanindig ang katawan ko mula sa biglaang pagputol ng iniisip ko. "Sure. Ask me anything."

"Did you wish ba na maging babae na lang?"

Napalunok ako. It's a simple question, one that was answerable by yes or no, but for me it's one of the hardest.

"I often consider it. But the real answer is no."

Ella gasped and bent forward. "Pero hindi ba't mas magiging madali sana sa iyo na magka-lovelife kung naging babae ka? Apologies ha?" She held up her hands in case someone fired a gun at her. "Pero kasi I have other gay friends and I often hear them complaining na sana'y naging babae na lang sila kasi at least, hindi raw sila mahihirapang makahanap ng jowa. Bakit sa'yo iba?"

I shrugged. "I just thought that if I were a girl, magiging iba na iyong mga problema ko sa buhay. E hindi ba't ang mga problema natin ang humuhubog sa atin? Changing those would also mean changing my identity. And I don't want that. I'm happy as I am."

Ipinagtabi ni Christian ang kanyang kutsara't tinidor nang siya'y matapos kumain, sabay tingin sa akin ng may seryosong pagmumukha. "Edi kapag tinanong ka kung gusto mong magpa-sex change...?"

"My answer is no."

"Ohh."

Ella had her mouth opened-wide in shock but was also a sign of amusement. The others shared the same sentiments, I could also feel them nodding a little as a sign of respect.

"Oh, please," sabi ko na medyo natatawa. "Don't act as if my answer is the only acceptable one. Let's still give respect pa rin doon sa mga nagpapa-sex change. They do that because they feel they were born in the wrong body. I don't. So, it's a case to case basis. You must understand that."

They all nodded.

I think this was the first time I ever get to talk much about sexuality, at nakagagaan lang ng pakiramdam dahil parang nabibigyan ako ng pagkakataon na palakawin pa ang isipan nila sa ganitong klaseng topic. Isa pang nakatutuwang bagay ay hindi nila ako jina-judge sa mga sinasabi ko—except for Ella, who clearly looked like she's thinking a lot of things.

"Okay, next question," sabi ni Ella. "Ano naman ang mga tipo mo sa lalaki?"

Gusto kong pumikit.

Pambihira talaga itong babaeng ito, parang pwedeng maging talkshow host.

I was about to say, 'Mukhang snob pero mabait naman talaga on the inside, maganda ang pangangatawan, at mahaba ang... pasensya' when I realized it clearly describes the guy in front of me.

So, I just said, "I'm not very particular naman sa physical traits,"—which is somewhat a lie— "All I want is someone who is proud to have me. Someone who I could safely call mine."

The girls were clearly in awe with my answer. They were looking at me as if I were someone who answered in a question and answer portion from Miss Universe.

The boys were silent, especially Ryle. I wanted to look at him but doing so might hurt him. I don't want to be someone that would be a burden to him.

"Oh, Christian! He's not very particular naman daw sa physical traits. May pag-asa ka na!" biro ni Ella.

Christian's face grew hot. "Huh?! Bakit ako?"

"Hoy, huwag kang ano! Tandang-tanda ko pa noong sabihin mo sa akin na kung wala ka lang tyansang ma-reject, niligawan mo na si Conan. Ito na ang pagkakataon mo!"

"Siraulo ka talaga. I was just kidding!"

"It didn't feel that way noong sinabi mo iyon."

And they went on babbling like a couple arguing. Nakitawa na lang din ako para hindi nila isipin na apektado ako, na may something na bumabagabag sa akin.

I was just glad na si Christian itong nabanggit ni Ella at hindi si Ryle dahil kung sakali, hindi ko kakayanin.

Kapag kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama, there's no doubt he'd say na pupwede niya akong ligawan. Actually, he already did, before. But in front of our friends, I know him. He's a slave of his own figure and I believe he'd rather hurt me than hurt his own image.

Hindi ko kakayanin iyon.