His Plastic Doll

Chapter Twenty-Four

Pasalamat na lang din ako at Sabado ngayon at walang posibilidad na magkita kami ni Ryle dahil hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa siya mahaharap sa school matapos ng nangyari sa pagitan namin kahapon. Pakiramdam ko nga ay kailangan ko nang gumawa ng paraan para matupad ko iyong pagsabi ko na ayoko na siyang makita. Parang kailangan ko nang umalis at magpakalayo-layo.

Dalawa ang naiisip kong pupwede kong gawin para matupad iyong plano kong iyon. Pwedeng um-absent na lang ako nang tuluyan dahil naisip ko, nakaipon na rin naman ako ng sapat na grades mula prelim hanggang prefinals, kaya imposibleng bumagsak pa ako niyan sa finals. Ang isa kong pagpipilian naman ay ang pagtira kina Ate. Taga-Valenzuela sila ng kanyang asawa. Kaunting sakay lang. At wala pang ibang nakakaalam kung saan sa Valenzuela, kaya walang ibang makatutunton sa akin sakali mang lumipat ako ng matitirhan. Magagawa kong maglaho sa buhay nila nang tuluyan.

Naisip ko na iyong pangalawang option ang mas maganda. Dinampot ko agad ang cellphone ko at nagpaunang text muna kay Ate kung pwede bang dumalaw sa kanila. Saka ko na sasabihin iyong balak kong pagtira sa kanila kung nandoon na ako, para wala na silang choice kundi tanggapin ako.

I couldn't move much. It's like every little part of my body was sore. I remembered how I also felt like this from my first time but this time was different. Hindi lang din kasi ang katawan ko ang nasaktan kundi ang damdamin ko.

What Ryle did to me yesterday was out of line. Pwede naman kasi namin iyon pag-usapan na lang, na kahit magsigawan man kami, at least, hindi na sana hahantong pa iyon sa ganoon, na kinailangan pa niya akong bastusin. But somehow, the more I think about it, I realized I was also part of the blame because I was the one who made him like that. Also I didn't even truly asked him to stop because as much as I wanted to deny it, the truth was that I missed him so much, that even though I shouldn't be enjoying his rough treatment to me, I did, and I hate myself for that.

I told Zyion about this one afternoon that he visited me, and of course, as someone who was viewing this from another perspective, he was furious at this. "He sexually assaulted you!" he said pointing his hand at me as if to drill that statement in my head, as if he didn't know I was aware of it, and I swear I could hear a part of myself screaming the same statement to me, but I don't know why it was always subdued by my forgiving nature, this other voice that kept telling me that I deserved it because I was shit.

"Zyion, please, just calm down." Nilapag ko ang juice at ilang biskwit sa lamesita. "I kind of let it happen so it's also my fault. And please don't tell this to anyone, okay? Lalo lang magiging magulo ang sitwasyon kapag may ibang nakaalam."

"Are you insane? Kinokonsinte mo iyong ginawa niyang pag-atake sa iyo? Dapat doon nire-report! Dapat malaman ng lahat kung anong klase talaga siyang tao."

I think Zyion was just being like this because he didn't really like Ryle from the start. And I was out here worried that he might spill, that I might have thought wrong about opening up to him about this.

And then he must have seen how gravely worried I was from what he just said, which was why he moved closer to me and held my hand. "No, sorry. I promise I won't tell anyone about this if that's what you really want. Ang akin lang, dapat mo ring pag-isipang mabuti iyong desisyon mong iyon. Seryosong bagay kasi ito, Conan."

"I know." I looked down and played with my fingers. "I'm sorry for making you worry about me."

"Don't mind me. Of course, I will worry. I'm your friend." And with this he sat closer to me and pulled me to a give a one-armed hug, which I didn't realize was all that I needed today.

"Thank you."

"Ano ka ba? Wala lang ito."

"But still, thank you. You're like my only true friend here."