His Plastic Doll

Chapter Five

Ryle had this strange idea of wanting to visit me unannounced, as a friend, with no sexual intentions. He even excitedly showed me a plastic bag of foods, dalawang malaking cup noodles at ilang mga chichirya na sa tingin daw niya ay magugustuhan ko.

"No sexual intentions," ulit ko. Those words rolled in my tongue with a foreign taste. "Nakalog ba utak mo?"

"I realized we never had a chance to talk like normal friends," sabi niya habang nagcha-chop ng mga gulay na ipanghahalo niya sa ramen. "Tuwing bibisita ako rito puro na lang practice. I think it would be better for us to know each other more, para kapag ginawa na rin natin iyong last stage, we wouldn't feel so afraid, we'll just do it like it's natural."

Sumandal ako sa gilid ng lababo nang nakahalukipkip. Ayoko pa ring magkomento sa nasabi niya. Hindi ko kasi sigurado kung magandang ideya ba iyon.

"C'mon, anong masama sa pagiging magkaibigan?" sabi niya.

Didn't he realize that if he intends on leaving me one day, it would be easier for us if we don't have a deeper attachment to each other?

But I guess it would be rude to shun him out after trying to come here unannounced. He's genuinely trying to get close to me. Sa classroom, tuwing may group work kami at nagkataong magkagrupo kami, he would now ask me for my opinions kahit pa wala akong gaanong alam na pwedeng i-contribute sa group. Dati kasi hinahayaan niya lang ako kapag walang kwentang bagay lang ang sinasabi ko; ngayon ay pursigido siya na isama ako sa mga usapan.

Even on their organizational meetings. Hindi naman talaga ako member ng org nila at nagkataon lang na napasarap ang tambay ko sa classroom at nagulat na lang ako na sinama niya ako sa botohan nila, kahit pa wala akong ideya kung ano ba iyong pinagbobotohan. It's like he wanted me to be seen by others too, which was kinda nice.

When he's done with his food preparations, he sat next to me on the sofa and gave me my share. "Ingat. Mainit."

Mahiya-hiya ko siyang tiningnan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero mas gumagwapo siya sa ginagawa niyang ito, kahit pa sabihin nating balot na balot siya ng damit ngayon.

I was about to grab for my remote, but he stopped me.

"Ano ka ba, I came here to hear us talk," sabi niya. "Opening the television defeats that purpose."

I sighed. Mapilit talaga siya.

"What do you want us to talk about?" I said.

We opened our cup noodles at the same time. Maarte pa, may palagay-lagay pa ng onion leaves, itlog, saka kimchi. Pero magrereklamo pa ba ako e siya na nga itong naglibre sa akin?

"I was just curious. Solo ka lang ba talaga rito sa apartment?" sabi niya.

"Yup. Pero noon hindi. Kasama ko rito ang Ate ko. Umalis na lang siya nang magkapamilya na siya."

Hinila niya ang bagong kuha niyang chopstick mula sa pagkakadikit, saka hinalo-halo ang kanyang noodles. "Mahal upa mo rito?" tanong niya nang hindi nakatingin sa akin.

"Sakto lang. Maliit lang din naman kasi ito. Saka hindi naman totally pera ko ang ginagamit kong pambayad. Kumukuha pa rin ako sa allowance na binibigay sa akin."

After slurping for the soup, Ryle coughed a little. He checked the label. "Maanghang pala ito."

"E bakit ba kasi ito pa ang pinili mo?"

"Ito kasi ang madalas kong makita sa mga pinagkainan mo sa lababo. I just thought this might be your favorite."

Aba. May panahon pa talaga siya sa pag-alam ng mga gusto ko ah? Hmm. Iwas-iwasan mo iyan Ryle, baka ma-fall ako.

"So, what about your family? Saan sila?" sabi niya. Ang mukha niya'y pulang-pula pa rin mula sa pagka-anghang ng ramen na kinakain namin. Maya't maya na lang siya sa paghigop ng hangin para lang maibsan iyon.

"Nasa Tarlac."

"Oh, ang layo! Let me guess. You're here because of our school?"

I stopped munching. I lowered my food. "That's not really it."

"Hmm?"

"The reason is my Dad." And simply mentioning that detail brought me back some bitter memories. The endless screaming, his disgusted face towards me, the fact that I would never be the good son for him. All of it in just a split-second.

It took me a long time before noticing that Ryle was waiting for me to elaborate what I just said. "He can't stand the sight of me," I explained. "He wanted me gone."

I know it's hard to believe. Sinong magulang ba naman ang hihilinging mawala ang kanilang anak? Pero iba ang tatay ko. Mula nang mapansin niyang pumipilantik ang daliri ko, pumait na nang tuluyan ang pakikitungo niya sa akin.

"That's the thing about fathers," I said, "it hurts them the most kapag nalaman nilang may bakla silang anak. They thought they have done something wrong, and they were being punished for it. Na ang mga bakla ay representasyon ng kanilang shortcomings."

"Pero sabi mo binibigyan ka naman ng pamilya mo ng allowance 'di ba? So baka naman may pakialam talaga siya sa iyo, hindi lang niya pinapahalata?"

"No, that allowance was from my Mom. Pinakiusapan niya ang Papa ko na patirahin na lang daw ako sa apartment ng Ate ko, which is ito mismo, kaysa palayasin na lang niya ako at hayaang pagala-gala sa kalsada."

"But why? Why would he do that?"

"He saw me kissing a boy in my room."

"Oh."

Right. Oh. As if that was a good enough reason to kick your gay son out of your house.

Kinse-anyos ako noon. Nasa pinakamasayang yugto sana ako ng kabataan ko, ng mapaglarong damdamin, ng pagkakaroon ng crush sa isang lalaki, tapos nasira na lang lahat ng isang araw lang na hindi ko na-lock ang kwarto at nahuli kami ng Papa ko.

I stared at my noodles and stirred it mindlessly. "You can already imagine what kind of mess happened after."

"Was that your first boyfriend?" he asked.

I laughed at the word. "Boyfriend? Never pa akong nagka-boyfriend, Ryle."

"Huh? But I thought—?"

"Those guys I slept with? We never got the chance to be official. I think the right term is fling. Iyong iba nga, ginamit lang akong rebound."

He stared on the floor for a long time and I was kinda touched that he wanted to sympathize with me. I seriously thought Ryle was just a diligent student with some weird sexual thinking. I never thought I would see him like this, like he wanted to show to me that he really cared about me.

"Bakit hindi ka umangal?" sabi niya. "Okay lang ba iyon sa iyo?"

The truth is I really wanted to be in a healthy relationship, I just kinda suck with it. No matter how hard I look, I always end up with boys who only wanted to be with me because I was available, pero kapag dumating na iyong pinakahinihintay nilang tao, saka na nila ako iiwan nang parang wala lang, na hindi man lang nila iniisip kung masasaktan ba ako, na akala nila'y okay lang ang lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko kasi sirang-sira naman na lahat sa akin e, ano pang ikaaayos no'n?

I remembered I tried to make myself believe na hindi dapat ako iyong naghahabol, that if a person really loved me for being me, they would choose me over others, regardless of gender, regardless of how society wants them to behave. Pero wala. Parang kahit anong gawin ko, iisa lang lagi ang iniisip ng mga lalaki, na parausan lang kami, na sex lang ang mapapala nila sa kagaya namin, na wala naman talaga kaming habol sa puso nila.

"Ryle," I said without lookingat him. "The sad thing is... wala sa tulad namin ang desisyon."