Formidable Devotion

XXXII

Nathaniel looked at me, for once since we started talking. "A daughter but she died very young, eight months old."

My soul sunk.

Oh my god.

I lost my speech, unable to say anything, not sure what words would suffice.

Would sorry even be good enough?

"I got home one night from work, an empty whiskey bottle had been left laying on the living room carpet. It had been ages since Gwen drank alcohol so I was very alarmed. I went to our bedroom quickly and she wasn't there. I could hear the taps running in the bathroom so I assumed she was bathing. I decided to check on her....to know what's wrong." Nathan paused, taking a deep breath, "I found Gwen's body on the ground, fully clothed, unconscious and water was dripping from the bathtub,"

At that point, A tear had fallen from Nathaniel's eye. I figured it was best to keep on listening rather than act.

"There was blood on the wet floor, she had tripped , hit her head on the sink and collapsed. I reached for her, but she wasn't responsive. It was usually around this time that Gwen would bathe the baby at the bathtub....but that day she was probably drunk, I figured she wouldn't have tried to bathe her in that condition."

Nathaniel had tears streaming down his face, "I held Gwen with trembling hands , she was ice cold but I could sense a weak pulse on her neck indicating she was still alive, I was terrified to death. I knew before anything I had to call an ambulance for her but I first needed to know where the baby was. Deep down I dreaded the worst possibility. The taps were still running, the bathroom was covered with water and I out stretched my arm to turn the faucets off. That's when I saw her, my little girl ......"

He stopped to take another breath.

I felt suffocated, and my own tears started to fall.

"My baby was beneath the waters, drowned in that tub.... dead."

Lord!

I immediately rose from my seat and knelt before him, my own hands were shaking as I drew Nathaniel into my arms.

He let me.

Resting his head on my chest, weeping.

And I wept with him.

His cries were from a wound that was still fresh, or perhaps a wound that never closed. But he held me so tight that I couldn't breath. It didn't really matter, as long as he was letting it all out.

I'd never heard the cries of a broken man before, they are deafening, choking. His cries came with an heavy weight, it laid on my shoulders, it burned my soul.

We sat on the ground together for a long moment.

And eventually we laid down on the grass, my back on the surface and Nathaniel on top of me with his head still resting on my chest.

The nurse came around and said her good-byes but I was the only one who noticed. Workers in the farm slowly started to leave until the place was empty .Nathaniel was lost in his own world. Relieving a moment in time that existed years before I'd met him, but he contemplated it on my chest.

The moon came up and so did the stars. I looked at them while replaying Nathaniel's words in my head. I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to lose a child before you get the chance to see what they could've, would've, should've been. It's impossible to picture it.

After the hours had gone, I knew we had to go back inside. We can't sleep out here. Nathaniel's cries had come to an end hours back but he still felt cold in my arms.

"Nathaniel,"

"Yes Juliet."

I had began to worry he's too far gone to hear anything, including my own voice.

"Can you sleep with me tonight? By the bed." I asked him.

He raised his head slightly to come face to face with me. His eyes were puffy, skin red, I could see his face underneath the moonlight . "It's been forever since I shared my bed with someone." Nathan confessed.

"How long is forever?"

"Six years."

That's a really long time to be sleeping alone.

I run my fingers through his messed up hair, smoothly, he breathed softly. I guided his head back to my chest and his eyes shut.

After the moon got over our heads, Nathaniel picked me up and we went back to the house. He made us dinner and for the first time, we ate together by the small table.

I wanted to help him with the dishes but he wouldn't let me. Nathan uses my skin condition as an excuse for everything. I'm doing better now. It's true.

We turned the lights off after cleaning up, and Nathan guided us back to his bedroom. I changed into his t-shirt because the pajamas he bought me were dirty now. His bed is small, but we adjusted to fit in.

Nathaniel laid down first, "Come here."

He opened his arms for me.

I rested the weight of my body beside him, and my head on his shoulder. We cuddled up in a fatal position , it felt good.

"You should know I don't fall asleep easily. It's going to take a while." He said.

"How long have you had trouble sleeping?"

"My whole life." Nathan replied. His arms were around me, the duvet covering us. I never thought we'd ever be this close.

"I suppose you've tried doctors?"

"They couldn't help me." He replied, "Don't worry about it. I've gotten used to it over the years. Go ahead and sleep now, I'll keep an eye on you."

I nodded and shut my eyes.

Hoping to fall asleep to the sound of his heart beating.

Gwen, that's the name of his wife. Now ex-wife, I suppose. I can't help but crave to know the whole story. What happened to her? What happened to them? She was the most important person in his life, that's what he said, is she still the most important?

"What was your daughter's name?" I whispered.

"Darla."

"That's beautiful."

"She was beautiful."

___________

Any thoughts?

-Lynn