Formidable Devotion

XXVIII

Mature scenes ahead
18 + only

NATHANIEL WILBUR'S POV

I'm back in Rhode island.

And life is going on as it usually does, except this time, Gwen's not with me.

I miss her so damn much and it's only been a couple of days since our last fight. She's probably in New York with Malcolm, that was our next destination before we fucked and then preceded to scream at each other. Next thing I know I'm on the earliest flight back home and she's not by my side.

Bloody hell is what this is.

Sleeping in bed alone clearly aware that she's not gonna be with me in the morning and the other morning after that and the next ...makes me wanna throw up.

But life must go on.

Gwen said something that stuck with me, she told me that I'm actually not living, that all I've done my entire life is survive and even after we gained our freedom, I never switched off surviver mood. And that I never really tried to discover parts of myself that made me feel most alive.

May be she's right.

But all I know is that when I'm with her, I feel most alive.

And may be that's the problem.

She's learned to navigate the world without me, and I watched her do it. I observed as she made friends, went out at night , got drunk, partied, transform into this woman with ambitions to see the world, meet even more people, pursue other things, adventure, fun, and yes, I'm aware that I must be boring, the only fun I care to have is driving on the road, full speed ahead with whatever song playing in the back ground.

We took the same courses at first.

But I have a feeling she'll switch into something else at some point. Or finish and then take another course that she really wants. Not just something that I put her into because I think it's good for us and our future prospects and businesses.

I just want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Doing something we both love together.

But I can't force anything onto her.

She's right.

We need to discover who we both are away from each other.

I just don't want to lose her.

I know by the end of this break , I'll still want her.

But would she still want me.

I can't imagine it.

And I hate to think of her leaving me.

I'm pretty sure I'll die inside, I won't be able to take it. I just wouldn't. Gwen's the only person I have. She loves me, I know that, but I'm starting to worry that I've grown to love her more than before , even stronger as the year goes by, but then she's used to me, and I tire her..... I wish I'd noticed back in the day that she's an adventurous person, but it never showed while we were trapped in that house. I'm seeing things in her now that I never saw before. It amazes me and then terrifies me at the same it. Can I be enough for her? Am I enough for her?

I'm currently in the bathroom, under the cold shower.

She's always loved cold showers.

Whenever I'm having one of these showers, I picture us bathing together. Leathering soup on each other's bodies, her lips on mine, our skin to skin contact warming the temperature. Then I'd press her passively on the marble wall, allowing her legs to rest on my waist, I'd get into her, diving inside that wet heated river, feeling her inner flesh, making love to her. The sounds she'd make, her whimpering, her surrender, fuck....I miss her so much it's making me hard.