Formidable Devotion

IX

JULIET HARRISON'S POV

After I left Nathaniel's little broken down home in the suburbs, I returned to my house in the city. To be honest, as much as I dreaded that neighborhood he lives in, I want to return there at some point. And I know he forbids it, claiming it's unsafe, and basically kicked me out of that place, it's my responsibility to pay him a visit and see how he is doing after hitting him with my car while drank driving. He lives alone, and I get that he is twenty nine years old but that doesn't mean he does need anyone.

I couldn't save my car from the police so I took an Uber home. I wanted to shower so badly, it's been more than twenty eight hours of moving up and down after my audition at Renaissance.

I enter my apartment and find Paul making dinner. I contemplated on whether or not I should tell him that I finally got the part in Dorothea and also explain why I didn't return home last night. But before I could even make a decision, Paul speaks, "I mean it's one thing to be sleeping around with the professor but a totally different matter having a relationship with him and spending nights at his house, very unethical. But I guess that doesn't really matter as long as he paves a way for your career."

I stare at him, wondering whether it's his jealousy talking or his faithless believe in my capabilities as an actress. He moved with his wheelchair closer to me.

"And what's wrong with Daniel helping me with my career path? He is my professor after all, that's his job. Unless you are insinuating that the only reason my career is progressing smoothly is because we are fucking?"

Paul didn't reply.

"Does it bother you that much? That we are having an affair." I asked him. Because I really hoped he'd say yes and then I'd know that he still loves me. But then instead, he looks me in the eye and says, "It doesn't matter because nothing will change between us anyway."

"If it didn't matter then why keep bringing it up constantly. You slut shame me, look at me like I'm pathetic, disregard my actual talent and remind me that we are never getting back together while talking to me like I'm the villainess."

"We were never together." he bluntly spoke. "You turned me into some dirty secret of yours. Never once acknowledged my existence in your life unless we're fucking in your bedroom. You wouldn't even tell Thomas about us, your closest person thought I'm just some guy you live with to share costs. You are a scared little girl who won't commit to anything because you are so fucking selfish. And then you run to Daniel and suddenly I'm the guy at home again....as always. So excuse me if I don't ever want anything to do with you again. As soon as I get my paycheck, I'm moving out."

Paul was talking out of anger again, which only solidifies he meant every word. "You were planning to move out?"

"Don't act like you haven't noticed me slowly packing my stuff? The boxes are everywhere."

I hadn't...

"Oh my god! You didn't even notice." he looked outside through the open window, avoiding my gaze "You are so absorbed in your selfishness that you don't even recognize it."

"How was I to know you are leaving if you barely speak to me?" He looked back at me again.

"I'm not the one who doesn't speak to the other. When have you returned home and bothered to say hello? How are you today? Ever since I ended our so called relationship, you stopped communicating with me and then you complain I'm ignoring you! Seriously?" His voice was loud now.

"Don't leave, please." I don't want to be alone. Thomas is already betraying me by abandoning all our goals and I can't lose one more person.

"Why? So you don't have to be lonely? When have you ever stopped to think about what is best for me? Or anybody else but yourself? I lost so much after the accident but you can't even register anybody's pain but your own. The only thing I have left is the pursue of my career. I don't have a family, I have nobody. I had you but then you threw me in the dark. Well, I'm sorry if I couldn't love you in the dark any longer."

I prevented the tears from falling.

"None of that is true. All I do is think and wonder and care about you. And You have no idea what it's taken for me to try and accept that we're over." I fired back. "I have begged you, pleaded with you to keep me but you wouldn't."

"It's not that I wouldn't keep you Julia. Its that I couldn't. And there's a difference." I could see the pain raw in his eyes and I looked away.

God! These conversations never amount to anything but misery for both of us.

Today is longest Paul has talked to me since the accident. And he hates me , which I already knew. But I didn't force him to be with me secretly. He agreed to it. So how am I the problem? I am not selfish. Just because I can't fall in love with him, that doesn't make me selfish. I didn't beg him to love me, he chose to do so. There things I want to say to him but I'll just let him leave. After all, we aren't meant to be. And he deserves better than me anyways.

"Won't you say anything?" he stared at me. "Are you really just going to stand there?"

"What do you want me to say? You have made it clear that it's completely over and you aren't coming back after you leave. So what should I say?"

Paul's stone cold eyes pierced mine like a sword, " I hate you more than I ever loved you."

My heart sinks.

He loved me?

He loved me?

"You don't hate me. Tell me you don't mean it." I could hear the agony in my own voice.

"I actually do. If I never met you, then I'd probably be better off. All of my problems started with you and they will end when I leave you."

If he was planning on breaking my heart, it is working successful because I can't even breathe. Something told me that Paul was referring to the accident that crippled his legs. I guess as much as we both defend it , just because I wasn't in that car with him doesn't mean I didn't let him leave the house angry that day.

A single tear came falling from my eye. "I'll be upstairs."

"Sure, go running away like you always do."

For goodness sake.

"Then what do you want me to fucking do Paul? To stay here with you? To go? What ?" I all but yelled as I visibly trembled.

He didn't say anything after I raised my voice and then left him in the kitchen.

The way it starts- is the way it goes. I return to my bedroom and cry myself to sleep, and he is left downstairs bringing himself down. And I'm blaming myself and he is constantly blaming me.

____________

Any thoughts?

-Lynn