His Plastic Doll

Chapter Fourteen

"Hmm? Bakit, anong nangyari?"

"Second year high school ako noon. Foundation Week. May cultural dance competition kami at kinakailangan naming lahat na magkakaklase na sumayaw bilang isang grupo sa malawak naming gymnasium. Aminado naman ako na mukhang madaling tingnan ang bawat steps na itinuturo sa amin ng naka-assign sa amin na dance trainer, pero hindi talaga ako mahilig sumayaw at alam ko sa sarili kong may pagka-slow learner ako kapag physical activity na, kaya kahit anong pilit ko ay hindi ko talaga mapasunod nang maayos ang katawan ko. Napansin iyon syempre nung trainer at tinuro na lang niya ako basta. 'Oy ikaw! Mr. Kawayan! Umayos ka nga, pwede?' sabi niya. Wala man lang pagdahan-dahan. Hindi niya ako in-approach man lang o pinaiwan na lang matapos ng practice. Basta may mapansin lang siyang 'mukhang tanga' ayon sa kanya, sisitahin niya na lang basta.

"Iyon ang unang pagkakataon ko na hiyang-hiya ako nang sobra. Hinding-hindi ko iyon makakalimutan. Bata pa lang kasi ay hinahangaan na ako at nirerespeto ng karamihan sa pagiging Top 1 ko lagi sa klase, at bigla-bigla na lang na may isang hindi naman ako kilala nang lubos tapos ganoon na lang kung makitungo sa akin. Simula noon, nagsisulputan na ang ilang mga pangangantyaw sa akin ng ilan kong mga kaklase. Ang ilan kong mga tinuturing na ka-close ay nahuhuli ko na lang na nakangiti sa akin nang parang nang-aasar at lahat ng iyon ay dahil lang sa nakita nila akong nagkamali.

"And that wasn't just the worst thing that happened. I told my father about this and you know what he said? 'Ikaw kasi e.' That's it. With a kind of look that sent me an idea that I wasn't just good enough and that it was my fault for feeling so miserable about it. Kaya simula noong mangyari iyon, pinasya kong hangga't maaari ay hinding-hindi na ako magkakamali. Kaya kapag may sports activity kami o kaya'y physical fitness test, nagpe-prepara agad ako mga ilang buwan bago mangyari para hinding-hindi na ulit ako mapahiya."

I was just looking at him the whole time with no intention of interrupting him. Napansin ko kasing ito ang unang pagkakataon na kusa siyang nag-open up tungkol sa sarili niya at ayokong masira ang momentong ito. At hindi lang iyon. Kaya rin ako tahimik ay dahil hindi ako maka-get over doon sa naikwento niyang sinabi ng papa niya sa kanya. I seriously thought his father was like a good father to him, like a teacher who knows what kind of words to say to his children, na siyang dahilan kung bakit lumaki si Ryle na isang mabuting anak, na marunong rumespeto at mamuno, pero nagkamali pala ako. The fact that he wasn't as perfect as I thought him to be, was so surprising, it rendered me speechless. Not that it was a bad thing. But it helped me see him in a different light. It made me see him as a normal person too.

"So, ayun," sabi niya na parang attempt niya sa pagtatapos niya ng kanyang mahabang kwento o kaya'y paraan niya para sabihin sa akin na magsalita o mag-react naman ako.

I wasn't confident of saying the right words to someone who just poured part of themselves in a conversation. Most of the time I just end up worsening the situation whenever I tried to stress about the right thing to say, so instead, I trusted my instincts, I said the only words I could find in my mouth. "I don't know if someone had already said this to you, but still, I wanted you to know, Ryle, that sometimes it's okay to make mistakes. Don't mind what other people say, because trust me, those people are already so full of themselves to even care about you. And I know saying those words wouldn't just instantly make you feel better, but I'm here for you, always. Whenever you feel like you had committed a mistake—an honest mistake—please tell me, and I won't make you feel bad about it. I promise."

I was breathless by the time I stopped talking. At hindi lang iyon, mas mukhang ako pa itong gulat na gulat na nagawa kong banggitin ang speech na iyon sa kanya. Buong akala ko'y kilalang-kilala ko na ang sarili ko, pero kataka-takang bawat araw na lumilipas ay napagtatanto kong may iba pa pala akong mga side na hindi ko pa natutuklasan.

After a long while of just playing the dice between his fingers, Ryle said, "Thank you."

Tumango na lamang ako dahil sigurado akong kantyaw lang ang sunod na lalabas sa dila ko, at ayoko nang makasira pa ng magandang moment nang dahil sa kadaldalan ko.

"Feeling ko mas bagay kang maging counselor," sabi niya. "Bakit ka ba biglang napadpad sa business ad na course?"

"Alam mo, okay na sana ako roon sa pag-compliment mo, tapos biglang may pahabol pang pag-kwestyon sa desisyon ko sa buhay?" sabi ko nang natatawa, pero katakatakang ang mas reaksyon niya ay pagsisisi sa nasabi niya, na para bang balik muli siya sa kanyang takot na magkamali. "Uy, ano ka ba? It was a joke. I wasn't really offended."

"Sorry," sabi niya na may pagkamot sa kanyang batok.

"It's nothing really." And remembering what I had promised him moments ago, I smiled at him. "See? I told you. Whenever you think you did something wrong, I will help you not feel bad about it, so that you wouldn't stress yourself on trying to become Mr. Perfect dahil wala namang ganoon."

Ilang sandali rin siyang patango-tango bago niya ako tiningnan at nginitian. "Thank you."

"Anong thank you ka riyan? May bayad iyon uy!" Inangat ko ang palad ko sa kanyang direksyon. "Akin na bente."

"Wala akong pera e. Tumatanggap ka ba ng t*t*?"

At agad nagsiakyatan ang dugo ko papuntang pisngi. "Napakasiraulo mo talaga! Kailan ka pa natutong magsalita nang ganyan ha?" sabi ko sabay paghampas sa kanyang braso.

"Hoy, lahat kaya ng mga kamanyakang alam ko, sa iyo ko nakuha!"

At lalo ko pa siyang pinaghahampas dahil pinapalabas niyang bad influence ako—na sa pagkakaalam ko ay medyo lang naman—pero grabe pa rin siya kung makasisi!

But I have to admit that I'm starting to like this little moment we share. In this little space of my apartment, the two of us could be the true versions of ourselves with no one else watching. We could say whatever we wanted to say, we could be fragile or crazy or horny and it would be fine because it's only us two, and we're confident none of us would judge each other, we were at the moment when we were already comfortable with our own company.

This was the moment that made me consider of the possibility of destiny. We may not be in a real relationship, at least, I know for sure that we were destined to be close like this, because we were both two broken souls and broken souls always tend to find each other.