Decadence Hackneyed

E: Marked Down. T: Happy

  To start off this section of fifteen I want to admit that today (January 10th by technicality) has given me some insight. This whole month all I’ve been thinking about is Lily and how I should go about ‘disappearing’ without telling her. In other words, if she talks to me I’ll talk but I won’t tell her that. My first strategy was to talk to her at the max every four days if I needed it. I know, it sounds specific but I try not to talk to anyone every day. So, I usually talk to people every other day to give us something to talk about.

  I used this strategy with Naomi when I used to talk to her all the time. Now she’s a distant memory and all I hope is that she’s okay but the main story is about Lily. All of you who have read bits and pieces of our ‘friendship’ know that she affects my life majorly and after five years of not being in a relationship with her? I don’t know why I’m still holding on.

  The assumption will be because of a security. I’m familiar with Lily and she is familiar with me so we find that something to hold to.? She told me that she didn’t know why I came back. I showed back up in her life because of guilt and I tried ever so much to make it up to her but then I found my love for her untouched even to this day.

  She tried to push me away but to me that only made me want her to be mine even more. Now, this year I’m hoping that I can step away even if it’s a little. I won’t be able to step away completely but when I used the strategy I talked to her on New Years. She send me a message on Christmas. Of course it’s a holiday message. After those I forced myself to wait until the fifth to talk to her. I think I did then.

  Recently though, I talked to her on the eighth, ninth, and tenth. And last time I tried to sleep my heart decided to show me how much I really did want to ‘die’. In my head I kept thinking. I should end this. This isn’t worth it. My anxiety to live without her surfaced (and had surfaced) many times. If I’m not talking to her I’m talking about her and that’s not any better. Even for right now. But today is going down in history all thanks to a friend who went to see me at work.

  My heartbeat stained once. Then twice. My breath swallowed. My eyes widened. I couldn’t move. An electric shockwave of my circulatory system zapped. No pulse. Again, a strain. I tried to breath. In the back of my mind I could hear a voice is this how bad you want to die? It says and I wish it would end.

  Honestly, I wished at that moment for it to stop my breathing. Stop everything so that I could lay down and die. I had finished quite a bit that night but my heart still showed how much I depended on her. Talking to her makes me happy. But. I’ll need to be with someone else and I want her to be with anyone else but me. I don’t deserve her because of what I did.

  Memories flashed. All the scenes I wrote. Everything that mattered to her flashed before me. What made her angry, what made her cry., anything and all details that I misplaced but mattered to her. They pulsed with every zap of a strain. The room was already dark luckily. I didn’t have my glasses so I couldn’t tell if I had impaired vision or not.

  But today I went through my day as normal. Go to work…late…because it’s a family business and well. I’m lazy. Read my book and play my game on my phone. It was about five o’clock when he showed up. He stood in the door way literally the sunrays behind him. I won’t let him know that. That’ll sound gay but I recognized him immediately despite me being at his chest level from the distance we were at. It was my friend Sosa

  Now Sosa isn’t like by a good section of my friends and who’s to blame them but to me, he’s one of those you call a Jerk and he calls you a Bitch. And sadly, I don’t know how else to explain it. But I smiled a real smile then. I hadn’t seen Sosa for a while and the fact that most of my friends don’t go visit me at work made me super ecstatic.