Decadence Hackneyed

P: Anxious Betrayal

Why do my feelings betray me? I should be happy as can be.

When I want to look in the other's eyes, I see hers staring back at me. 

She made it clear that we were no more and I even threw myself out the door.

Tonight, I lay to rest, and the betrayal is the only thought on my mind...

Tell me that I'll be okay. That this situation is 'fine'. I whisper to myself.

I don't know what set my guilt off today but I'm laying alone tonight.

It felt so good but it was all too wrong. I"m not dedicated to anyone which makes it even more confusing because there is no 'we' on either side of this conversation.

If it was her, or even the other, the one whose status was mine, I would make a choice but neither of you seem to be the answer.

Holding the other in my arms, the one I call 'her' wouldn't mind. She wouldn't care.

Ye, when I'm with the other, I see her, and I can't be with someone who isn't her. 

Turn the situation around, if I saw her with someone, I would shrug and congratulate him but at the same time I'd bare my teeth.  

"I swear you hurt her and it'll be the end of thee," would be my warning. 

Then, we would both take a bow,  the one I called 'her' will see the other in my arms and she'll see the look in my eyes. 

Similarity, it's all too familiar. I know that the one I call 'her' will be fine and she'd tell the other good luck. 

What I know is that the one I call her would smile and give the other a hug, then whisper "If you'll 'mess up' I'll be the first one to hear."

Making eye contact, the other will not and there would be an understanding between two separate loves. 

Then the one I call 'her' will take her man's hand and we'll both go out separate ways but something tells me that I'll never live without her in my head. 

Even if we never speak again, she will always be my reinforcement, which is fine with her but I'm not okay with this because I'm lying to myself.

The room around me starts to fill like the ocean and I'm drowning in guilt of nothing and yet everything at once. 

Water seeps into the sheets, through her words, I rise instead of sink because she'll tell me that I'm okay, but the other doesn't know, she cannot know. 

Her and I are meant to confine our friendship which is everlasting. Despite the status of being with the other, I still think of her and holding her in my arms. 

"Is it time for me to enlighten you again? Where is this darkness coming from?" The one I call her says. 

Her eyes are on mine, even though they are not truly hers, I barley breathe. Then she says, "Take it as a new beginning, Bud. I'm not going anywhere." 

Tears flourish from my eyes as I speak to this false version of her. "My heart struggles from time to time." A smile on this false face speaks its mind. 

"Don't worry, you and I aren't done. I'd know if we were," Her voice is a serious tone, "I wouldn't let myself become this way."

This false her embraces me and tells me it's not over, these words sooth my anxiety, and when I lay alone at night I'll shut my eyes and hear the waves of sleep wash over me.

-

Sept 30, 2014