Decadence Hackneyed

E: The Befallen Knight T: Anxious

  I don't feel like myself. Whoever I am, this person being devoured by every inch of their skin isn't it. I appreciate who I am. I have the most amazing friends. But why? Why must this other person try to consume me and tell me lies? Then again, lies are determined by the eyes of the beholder. Honestly, what is the truth? Am I this person who feeds of off negative thoughts and stress? Is there a person within me who hates everything I do, who doesn't believe in me, who actually thinks that I am worthless?

  There must be. In order for me to feel this way for this long. That person has been awoken and guilt begins to eat me alive. The buried thoughts of the past uncover themselves as I go through my day. The anxiety of imperfection that I finally managed to walk over with pride, test me as it begins to mock my every step.

  Footprints follow me as the bricks of my broken path begin to grind and dissolve into my mind. There are no walls in these endless acres of what make me who I am but I feel the pressure, it closes in. Unlike the time I could escape it with wings from my lovely friend, I am subjected to falling into myself. Into what I can hardly believe exist but I find realistic. There is no love without hate. Without pain, I do not grow.

  However, I walk amongst everyone and I decide, will I give in? As I reach out to those friends who believe in me I can see their own anxieties, their own fears, what they love, what they hate... I harbor their experiences as well as my own. And to what cost? My own world caving in on itself?

  No. I must not allow myself to drive into madness. Instead, I should open my eyes and be enlightened. Correct? The response is an open ended answer. What do I need? This whole time I've asked for someone, I want someone, yes, however- I need someone as well. May these be the same person or different requirements I shall uncover that secret through my experiences but right now, I am anxious, I am full of fear, and I most certainly cannot think straight on the matter.

  Taking a piece of paper in my hands I begin to write down the situations. I attempt to phone a friend but the time is too late. The first of October marks the day that I learn how to survive yet another treacherous act.

  Her scent. Her touch. Her overbearing passion. My senses are flooded and are borderline intoxicated. What have I done? Those lovely eyes look back at me. I jump. She looks at me in confusion more concern than I've ever seen. I resume what I started and the memories creep in of the first time and my mind begins to fuzz.

  My first reaction is to ignore it. It'll go away. Without any further or do, the spotlights flash and I am forcing myself to shut my eyes even though they are already shut. I ignore it as the previous senses mock me. Her scent. Her touch. Her passion. They begin to fight one another and my heart feels the pressure, the pound grasp me as I force myself into pleasure of the moment and I know I will regret this. Yet. I continue.

  The night passes and I awake. The anxiety whispers "good morning" and then begins to snicker. I shudder, ignoring it as I usually do. It'll go away as long as I believe it so. My phone's history replays a pleading calling from the moment I left her.

  Words remind me that I always turn to her. I always try not to but I always end up 'having' to. Even though she doesn't have answers all the time-most of the time. She tries and she thinks. She listens. She always listens. And this is why she has earned her right to the throne in my book. A set main character who will always accompany me and I the same for her.

  Although, the mimic receives attention, I quickly attempt to explain myself to her. She says she's here and always will be. She's not going anywhere. She'll hear me out. My queen, as a knight who has befallen you, may I have all but one pleading request?

  She curtsies but also holds her hand up. You will always be my knight. And I, shall always be your queen. But please, spare me the agony of losing you again to stupidity and that, is all I wish.

  I bow, and I am speechless. She shall never lose me. But. In this situation who is she to lose? I stand here, at the brink of my extinction, looking up at the anxieties in which I bare for my friends. They make me who I am. But moreover, I make myself who I am and I will become who I become.

  Yet. As I see the grains of sand drizzle, and I see my friend's anxieties fade faster and faster, I begin to wonder... What exactly am I to do? My anxieties have risen up and now it's time to fight. The love for dragons scolds me as I hear a mighty screech, wings from the sand emerge and I manage to glance at a single claw.

  These are my anxieties and how they consume me. The whispers laugh and cry. Mirror fragments add to the drizzle of sand and I can feel them like fiberglass touching my skin. My sword is drawn and my armor nicked from the falling mirror shards. I am cutting into myself, I realize, and I begin to think.

  Oh dragon of anxieties, calm thee. Even though the path is not clear one fact remains, I will always be myself in the end. Even if I do lose my queen, and you do defeat me, oh might one... There shall be no defeat in my unique personality. I will always be who I am, defeated or victor.

  Bring me your best, your worst, and your medium. I shall take them all head on. For even though the memories dance, I still harbor the stage and spotlights. Hear me out. I shall live on. Regardless of the infection that these grains of sand mock me with. Every memory, every. Single. Last. One. Shall not take me. For I am who I am and I am who I will always be.

  "My knight, your armor shall not shine, but it does reflect your battles. No matter the opponent, there shall always be purity within it that may consume it and likewise, every hero has their downfall. But no matter the fine line of purity present, the opponent shall always roar, and as a hero with a raging downfall present, you shall prevail." 

October 1, 2014