Decadence Hackneyed

E: Give Me Thirty Minutes To Think T: Curious

  I have you on my mind and I don't know how to respond. When I awoke this morning or in mid-drift sleep I imagined you, darkness all around but I could see, the light that dimly displayed that the person that I was looking at was you. Later, you disappear and face me again. I feel the bad luck creep in. I know not to betray you. Not that I wanted to betray anyone but I know to be on my best behavior when being with you.

You accept me for who I am. The other day I saw that you have tobacco. If I could get you to stop I would but it occurs to me that you would rather me not smoke and drink so I'm sitting here having to give those up if I want you to give that up. Out of all the drugs tobacco by itself is my least interest but I find it as an explanation for your behavior.

I don't want to admit this, so I'll admit it to the world and if you ever find it then so be it but this a revolution for me. Us. You remind me of her and that's why I was so willing to jump onto the train but at the same time, it gives me fear. I spoke to her about us. She said go for it. If we both want it then she doesn't see the problem. I didn't want to tell her that it was her specifically that you remind me of but I assume she didn't catch the drift since she knows that I've had more girlfriends than she has boyfriends. And to an extent, I've been through more relationships than she's willing to put herself out there for.

Exposure. That's how I learn, I'm not very secretive as my Wattpad friends have known. Even if I don't give your real name it gives them the personality and it gives them the knowledge of what happens in my life. I haven't decided what your name will be yet. I was tempted to use a name that connects with hers but if I do that then I'll never be able to forgive myself if we split.

Split. It's been two days and I'm already thinking about that possibility. I have more hope for you but I don't like throwing myself out there as fast as I do. I do know that I'll have to deal with Matrina and explaining that I can't now. She'll be disappointed. The day before we got together I was with her, 'hammered' but aware. I don't know why anyone would want to do that drug. I'm deciding against it for now on. I seriously don't feel comfort from smoking. After all, I started because I wanted to commit suicide. A slow commitment that way I would still live, I'd have to deal with precautions.

The thought occurs to me that I told you that I was anxious. I don't want to tell you about that pathetic side of me but I am suicidal. That will never change. How I respond to those times does chance. My usually haven is speaking to her first if I can. If not anyone. Anyone can talk to me and I'll get through it. You're asking me what I'm writing about. I don't want to say because then it might change the course of this chapter. I'd rather keep it to myself. I'll tell you later. Let's see if you accept that.

A zodiac sign isn't supposed to label someone. It's supposed to help guide them. That's how I see it anyway. Since I've surrounded myself with its logic the first label I cast upon someone is their sign and how they follow or stray from it. Luckily, if I were to analyze myself I wouldn't be able to understand how an Aries could be so capable of how far I've come but you, you fall under her star. Her constellation.

You are a Scorpio and I've done enough research on that sign I could write a book. Which doesn't seem so hard now since I've completed so many whether I publish or not. I'm not entirely ready to be with you but I do know that when I can be in a relationship with someone without having to get intimate every second we're together or not get intimate every second we're together then I know I have more of a chance. However, now that I think about it the real week begins.

The days I get out of work and your vehicle isn't next to mine make me shift. At first when you started this I thought, okay. A little much don't you think? Now, I find this surge go threw me, telling me that something is off. I bought a book not even a full twenty four hours ago. I already finished reading it. I know that if I start reading Great Expectations I'll get it done within ten hours and then all I have to do is write the essay portion. I had to read this first though. I told one of my friend in class that I was hardcore fanboying which is bad. I mean. I need to not do that. But. I had to.

After reading it I'm left with these thoughts. The thoughts of you and her. How she reminds me of a character and how my mind automatically tries to see you in those shoes. Your birthday is on the fourteen of November, hers is on the thirteen. You two are a year apart. I could probably look into your whole chart if I wanted but if I do that then I'll be trying too hard to analyze you as I do her.

Her chart is pretty simple and it makes sense. She has mainly Scorpio and Sagittarius in her chart with a Cancer. I think that's it actually. It makes her not so much as simple but easy to look over on a zodiac scale. People think looking at the zodiacs is a way to look into the future. To me, it's a way I can observe someone without having to ask them too much.

The one action that I'm taking surprisingly well is texting you. Gosh. You text me so much we can start trying to surpass the record that I've set with her. If we manage that then I'll be laughing and I'll be shaking my head as well. After all, if my phone company were to print a record of how many times I've texted her, I might as well print everything I've written and multiply it by ten. If that manages to reach how many characters I've sent here I'll be surprised.

It's also a surprise that we're getting along so well. I see her in you and I'm trying not to. I'm trying to get to know you for who you are and I told you that you were interesting and you are. In fact, you're doing what you like to do best and as you've described it "you get paid to dick around". Which isn't true. You still take the job seriously. I'm not doing exactly what I want to do. I'm still figuring out what I want to do. The next plan I had in mind was DCI but Matrina dissed me and then used my idea, thinking hey, I'm not a good marcher but she could make it. And if I made it then hell, she can make it.

The problem with her is that she gets cocky. So do I, but I know that I have the work ethic to get what I want. She depends solely on talent and that's where we differ. Talent is writing for me, it's creating, and being myself. I work. Two jobs. I still have to watch over this place and she said that I'm stupid. I hate her for that. The sour taste left in my mouth for vengeance to tell her that she shouldn't be telling me what I can and can't do since I've never dissed her for anything except for her poor grammar which makes me angry. She's not very good a pep talks. I don't even know why I bother to tell her some of my hopes and dreams when she usually responds with her 'realism' more leaning towards 'pessimism' to me. Well, I have to go, I'll get back to this or write a new one. Thanks for listening.

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Originally written on October 8, 2014. Revised on June 6, 2019. Refer to poetry collection 'Road Map To Her' to read a more recent poem over the characters.

Read 'Angel Annalee' to read more about Matrina.

Read 'Brianna T' to read over the girlfriend of this entry.

And/Or read 'Lilly Marie' to read over the ex girlfriend of this entry.