Decadence Hackneyed

E: August 15, 2014

This is the third consecutive dream I've had! I apologize to her. I cried, she showed her affection. And here I am, I left my phone at the store. And she texts me to tell me her new number. The fact that she's considerate enough to make sure I don't text her old number grasped my heart. I want to cry. This is so stupid. I can't believe I'm acting this way. Four damn years later and here I am crying over this stupidity.

So then what's exactly. The sign? I can't run after her. There's no 'I love you come back'. She's going to college-out of town. I'm stuck here. But I don't want her to leave. She was never mine and she hasn't been for the past four years! I asked her to prom and she ditched me. she ditched me at band banquet too. She tried to throw me away so I would leave her alone and we talked about trying to fix 'us' but we're at a stand point where we want each other in our lives but we don't have to be together.

She wants me in her life but doesn't want to get in intimate and the only explanation I can think of is to get intimate since she matters to me that much. But I want to be in her life. And I've lived in the past three years throwing myself away because I can't seem to make a damn decision over if he's. Honestly an asshole or I'm that pathetic?

I shouldn't be acting like this over some damn girl that doesn't care about me. Which is wrong because she does. I mean, she told me her number. All I want is for her to be mine in the end but I know right now isn't that time. I want to distract myself by dating someone but I will never be willing to go on these dates without him on my mind.

The love hurts. I'm almost in tears. Okay Never mind I am. Someone tell me that this is stupid. That I'm an idiot, anything.

- August 15th, 2014