Irish This Will Never End (IYLM Sequel)

Emotional

The next couple weeks flew by pretty quickly. I was released from the hospital only a few days after the whole Simon incident. Speaking of which, I never saw him after that day. The boys invited me to go to a few of their concerts, but I avoided all possible places where he could be. That entire situation really put me on edge.

What if I really am destroying his career?

The mere thought was killing me.

Apparently, Niall also noticed how strangely I was acting because he kept asking me if I was okay. The answer was always the same thing. “I’m fine.” But I wasn’t really okay at all. He could tell I was lying, and he pressed the matter, but after I kept pushing him away, he finally let it go.

I quit my job, by the way. At least, for now. Working there would always be a reminder of Heath, since he was supposed to be my partner.

I was supposed to work with Heath…

His funeral was, apparently, during the time I was in the hospital. The fact that I missed it will haunt me forever- I feel like his death is, in fact, my fault. I can’t believe this is how things played out.

This is when I began to think to myself: Why is life so difficult? You would think that bad things would only happen to bad people- but that’s not the case. Drama doesn’t search for the ones who deserve the stress, it just settles on the first soul it comes across. I suppose I’m the person tragedy has chosen, at the moment. And all I can do is wait for it to pass.

I guess you could say that I’ve come across kind of a low point in my life. The weeks after being proposed to are supposed to be the best times in your life- with all the wedding preparations and all, but when your ex-boyfriend, who was one of your long-time friends, kills himself on that same day, and you and your fiancé both get shot, and you’re told that you might be ruining the life of the one you love most- it brings your mood down.

All I dream about is the life I had before. I wonder what happened to the girl I used to be. The girl who was living her life with only one emotion in her mind- happiness.

Nowadays, I question whether or not happiness was ever even real. Saddness is so real. Depression comes across you in a way that can change your entire mindset. It has the capability to make your heart ache from sorrow. You can genuinely feel depression- and it hurts. But how does one feel happiness? Is it just a state of mind that humans created in order to escape sadness? I used to be so sure, but now nothing makes sense.

I’m sorry- I realize that I’m ranting, so I’ll try my best to stop. It’s just hard to control your emotions when you have so little connection towards what you’re feeling.

Knock. Knock.

Niall walks into my room- interrupting my trail of thoughts. He sits down by me, on the windowsill and smiles as we look out at the rainy day together.

“How are you feeling?” He’s been asking me that every single day ever since I left the hospital- that’s when the reality of everything hit me and I sunk into this miserable wreck.

“I’m fine.” That’s how I’ve responded.

He sighs and wraps his arms around my waist lovingly. “I hate seeing you sad…”

“I’m not sad.” I’m beyond that. I’m miserable. I feel like I shouldn’t be alive. All I do is cause problems, so why am I here? If only I could tell him that.

He kisses my neck and a shiver runs down my spine. The sparks are still there, every single time we touch. I know our love is real- It calms me to know that.