Titi Iku: Until Death (Sequel To Irikuri)

16 - Until Understanding

"Nki-" he plead with me

"No you had your time to talk, it's my time now. Weren't you the same one talm bout 'the space is good for us'? I'm not even going to break it down or any of that bullshit. Let me keep this clear and concise. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Live. Here. With. You." I knew my words had hurt him, and I want to say I didn't care, but that would be a lie.

"So how long are we gonna do this? How long do you plan on staying away and not speaking to me? You gonna do this forever? We've lived together for the most part since April and because of a little fight you can never share a space with me again?"

"Ade you clearly do not want me! So what exactly are we sharing a space for? Huh? Fuck the security we both know I can take care of myself. And if it comes to that, I would literally rather get killed than live here with you, on God."

"Nki why are you being so fucking dramatic. We had a little fight. Not even that, a disagreement. You're gonna ruin our friendship and put yourself at risk because of a spat? This is for your safety, but even beyond that - I miss you. You mean to tell me you didn't miss me at all? You really want to spend more time apart?"

"Of course not."

"Then what is the problem?

"This is the problem. You think that was a little fight? Something minuscule we can just gloss over and keep it pushing? 'You think The space did us good'? Ade I didn't want fucking space! This is a partnership. You don't get to decide what's best for me. You keep relying on what you think I need instead of what I'm telling you I want! You're so concerned about what's supposedly best for me and how not to impede on my freedom. Do you think I'm dumb? Do you think I don't get that you do this stupid shit because of what Ximenes did to me as if I'm damaged goods or our situation is in any way comparable to that? It's not."

"Really? It's not? Let's do a little recap. I kidnapped you. Not Ximenes. He may have carried it out but I put out the idea and nudged him to do it. I kidnapped you and it was just you and I alone in a stressful situation for weeks. I did that intentionally to facilitate a bond that would make us strategic partners but then like a fucking dumbass I fell in love with you. Then, you - the girl I kidnapped - fell in love with me? Does that not sound fucking sus to you, at all? "

"Ade you are grasping at straws. I understand how you feel and I get it but you can't keep doing this. You do this with everything. You shoulder the blame for everything constantly and let it weigh on you for what? Life is not a machine. You are not in control of everything that happens. The trafficking was not your fault. Your friend's death was not your fault. You loved Ximenes like a brother. He was a terrible, awful, disgusting, person but I know you didn't want to see him die and you blame yourself for his death."

"Yes, I do. I didn't want to see him die. I wanted to see him rot in prison and let his guilt eat him alive. Death was better than he deserved, and who let him die? Me. I let him terrorize you for months then sat there chained up while he did god knows what on that fucking island and then of course you killed him. As you should have. But now you live with the guilt. You never should've had to and that's my fault. He deserved worse than death and if someone had to deal with killing him it should've been me! Every single thing that happened to you and those kids and every single thing that didn't happen to him was my fault! You put me on this pedestal and you act like I'm capable of no wrong and I just know that you're the one thing in my life that I don't deserve! Do you think I ever forgave myself for bringing you into this? I hate myself for what I did you. I hate myself for what he did to you."

"Stop blaming yourself-"

" Nki, it's not about blaming myself, it's about accountability. I've done some things that are reminiscent of the most messed up person you've ever met. I know that. So I try to make sure I do the opposite of what he would have done. I want to make sure nothing about me or us ever reminds you of him or triggers you in in any way. I do that because I love you and I don't want you to ever remember that hurt, but also because I'm terrified you're going to wake up one day and realize that you HATE me!" Ade rarely -if ever- raised his voice, so hearing him yell brought tears to my eyes. I had to blink through them to realize there were tears in his too. I quietly stood from my seat and sat on his lap, pulling him into a hug with his head on my shoulder. The last time I had done that I was drunk, but even sober it still felt so natural. After a few moments I started chuckling. It was just short of maniacal and Ade looked at me with concern.

"Ade I don't put you on a pedestal.", I giggled. "If anything I put you in a pit. I'm very aware of all your flaws. You're a perfectionist, arrogant, prideful, egotistical, and extremely irritating. You're a fucking nerd. You never stop thinking. And on top of that you know me too damn well so you always know what I'm going to do or say before I do it. You're literally the most chaotic person ever which is why your office is an absolute fucking hellhole and our room would be the same if not for me constantly yelling at you and cleaning up after you. I bet if I walk in there right now it'll be a shitshow. Not mention you think you're so fine that you can get away with wearing whatever you want whenever you want and it's even worse because you're rich and no one can tell you no. You even wear sweats to work almost every damn day. I find it absolutely ridiculous and I always tell you that you aren't that fine but you never listen because you know I'm lying. You're way too relaxed and soft spoken and honestly I think it's to cover up the fact that you're really screaming inside. Oh and the worst thing about you is you thrive on complexity. It's great for a computer scientist slash genius, but my god you make everything more complicated and messy than it needs to be and it shows. That combined with your need for righteousness all the time is fucking exhausting. This isn't complicated. We understand each other. We make each other happy. We don't hurt each other or do toxic things. We don't manipulate each other. We just love each other. This doesn't need to be complicated. You have many negative traits, I can go on for days. But, you're not selfish, duplicitous, manipulative, predatory, or ill intentioned in any way. Not everything is for you to solve and you need to realize that part of that desire to take on everything is a result of your ego. You aren't God. You don't need to fix everything or know about everything. Things go wrong. People do evil things. None of it is because of you - nor does it have anything to do with you. As for Ximenes, I've begun to make my peace with what happened. I killed him. That's that. I killed other people too. There's nothing either of us can do to change that."

"I know I can't change it and that's part of what makes what I did so unforgivable."

"Ade I forgave you for what you did before you even apologized. I did that because I knew I could never hate you. Not in a million years. Not even if I tried. You may have a shit ton of flaws and you may piss me off, but I love you. I love you even when you leave your dirty clothes on the dresser or overanalyze the way I blink or stay up till four am in the morning just thinking and plotting like a fucking supervillain. I know that you're not perfect. But I never said you had to be perfect for me to love every part of you, and I do." I lifted his head so we were face to face. He looked at me for a while. Long enough to make me uncomfortable if it was anyone else, but of course it wasn't. I wondered if he was trying to read my face for a lie, or maybe he was just trying to memorize my face before he broke my heart. I began getting anxious again until he finally decided he was satisfied and smiled back at me.

"Have I ever told you you're real corny?"

"I know you not talking when you're the same one that's been simping for me since-" He smiled and cut off my sentence as his lips met mine.

"I love you too."

A/N: Finally!!! Goddamn even I got tired of waiting. I wasn't gonna give y'all this chapter just yet but I decided you've waited long enough. Anyways, how y'all been lately? Any recommendations for me to watch on netflix? I'm tryna get into anime so any recommendations for that too would be nice. I'm bored asab so all thoughts about any and everything are welcome if not here then in my pms. I hope you all stay safe. Much love xxx