Titi Iku: Until Death (Sequel To Irikuri)

11-Until Implosion

I opened the front door and tiptoed into the living room of our apartment quietly, making sure Ade was truly gone before grabbing some leftovers from the night before and settling on the couch happily. I had to leave soon to be back in time for orientation and activities, but that definitely didn't mean I couldn't squeeze in a quick nap. I grabbed a blanket, told the lights to dim, and just as i was drifting off to sleep the door banged open and the lights flashed on. 

"Oh for fucks sake!"

"Well well well. I knew you'd be back." Ade smirked

"You don't know shit. I'm back because...well lets just say my living arrangements weren't ideal."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean Lola is my fucking roommate." I rolled my eyes as Ade began chuckling. "Fuck off. Not only do I dislike her ass intensely, but you also failed to tell me that apparently y'all were all buddy buddy while I was gone."

"Well I don't know if I'd say buddy buddy..."

"Then what would you say Ade? You met up with the ex girlfriend of the man I killed who tried to practically rape and blackmail you shortly before I beat her into a pulp and thought that wouldn't be information that interested me in the slightest?"

"Wait are you mad that I met up with her in the first place? Or is it that I didn't tell you?"

"I'm not mad. I just think its funny how all of a sudden we not telling each other shit when we supposedly tell each other everything."

"Oh don't do that when you know fully well you barely tell me anything. Like this morning, what the fuck was that? You just left? Without a goodbye or anything?"

"That's foul because you know why I'm like that. You know I'm trying my best not to be like that. As for why I left without saying goodbye, what did you need a goodbye for? We're friends, nothing more, remember? I would've shot you a text eventually."

"So is that what this is about?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're jealous."

"You're delusional."

"Okay then what does us just being friends have to do with this?"

"Oh it has plenty to do with this. This weird fucked up thing we've been doing? Uh uh. I ain't doin it. This whole 'We're not together but you don't date anybody else and I'm not gonna date anybody else and we sleep in the same bed and watch the same shows and finish each other's sentences and can't separate for three goddamn seconds' bullshit? I am not doing it with you anymore. I distanced myself, and rightfully so, but you were upset. Then all of a sudden you're saying weird shit while you're high and I wake up with your head on my chest- a very specific part of my chest - and your hand on my thigh and you want me to wake you up to say goodbye? This is insane. You don't know what you want. Just admit it. You want all the emotional benefits of a relationship but none of the strings and I'm not bouta do that with you. We'll get over this argument and move on eventually. But if I let you hurt me it won't be nearly as easy to get over and I'm not messing up our relationship just because you're indecisive. I'm not fucking jealous of Lola. Newsflash, you're still my friend! I love you, dumb ass. I love you and she tried to hurt you so excuse me if I'm a little hesitant to jump on her dick!"

"No one said you had to jump on her dick, but look at us. Look at what we're doing right now. When have we ever argued like this? As I said, you refuse to let people get close to you. I don't believe it's a coincidence that as soon as I was getting there - all of a sudden you sprung this relationship shit on us knowing that always ruins everything. I'm indecisive? I'm the only decisive person in this relationship. I didn't marry you on accident. I know exactly what I want, but I know you don't. You're eighteen . You're a freshman in college. We are at completely different stages in our lives. I am trying to give you time, but no matter what I do you don't seem to want it.  Now you're mad because I'm still acting the way I've always acted with you? The fact that you just realized what I realized months ago shouldn't change our entire dynamic. Obviously we're more than friends, I'm not stupid. You think I'd cover up a murder for a friend? You think I'd marry a friend? Of course not. I am giving you time. But is the fact that I'm giving you time gonna change how I feel about you? Of course not. So excuse me for saying 'weird' shit while I was high - as if the whole point isn't lowering your inhibitions. Excuse me for holding you while I'm asleep- as if I can control what I do when I'm unconscious. I really am sorry for loving you enough to realize you aren't ready for this right now! Lola is only relevant to this conversation because you wanted a reason to be mad at me and say what you wanted to say. You wanted a fight. Congrats, you got one. Happy now?"

My heart dropped as I digested everything he was saying. I was beyond angry, but deep down I felt my heart flutter. For some reason I still hadn't convinced myself he felt the same way until that moment. His words enraged me, but they gave me hope. You wouldn't know it by the way I what I said though. "Do you hear yourself right now? Trying to act like this is about me- this is about YOU. YOUR ego and YOUR doubts. You're so self absorbed sometimes that you refuse to realize what's going on around you! I didn't spring anything on you! We are basically in a relationship you just refuse to let us call it what it is!  You're so big and bad now talm bout I'm 'eighteen and indecisive' but I made my decision! I decided I want you and that still wasn't  enough! This is an awful, toxic, way to be. Doing this bullshit is actually going to fuck up our relationship worse than anything else could. How do you not see that? Oh and you're giving me time, right? Okay what if I use that time to date other people? That's gonna be a problem too. What if while you're busy dealing out time left right and center, I fall in love with someone else, and decide to go the distance with them? " I saw Ade wince. I knew I struck a nerve, but I kept going. "How you gonna cope with that? Or am I not allowed to date in this situationship you want to happen. If I am, does it go both ways? I'm gonna tell you right now: if you think this is gonna be your way of fucking bitches under my nose instead of committing, you better move back to the West Coast because if I catch you doing some slimy shit...well, lemme just say you've seen me beat some ass before and I will do it again!"

"Who do you think I am? You know that I've never had a girlfriend before. I don't think I've ever even seriously liked someone before. You're it for me. I made up my mind a while back. What you're thinking about would never happen. As for you, you can date whoever you want. I'm extremely secure, unlike you. We can't be together right now for a reason. I want you to explore yourself and live so you have no regrets. I don't want you to feel like you gave your youth to me and regret it later. I'm perfectly happy watching from the sidelines as a 'friend'. I'm not worried about anyone else because our biggest obstacle is ourselves and even I'm wrong, I'll be happy as long as you're happy. " he was fucking lying. We both knew it. Not about loving me and all that stupid shit but about 'being happy as long as I'm happy'. The egotistical annoying ass leo in him wouldn't let him admit it, but I knew he'd burn the world to the ground if I ended up with someone else and I was fine with that because I'd do the same if not worse. My problem was he wouldn't fucking ADMIT it. He was right, the biggest obstacle in our relationship was internal, but it wasn't my youth, it was his fucking self righteousness.

"Ade, I'm trying to be calm because I already know we're going to regret a lot of the things we said today. So, let me say this calmly. My biggest fear right now, is you're going to let your ego and self righteousness ruin our relationship, and that would be a travesty. I mean what are you really so afraid of? You know there's no way we're getting divorced. I'd never cheat, you'd never cheat. I'd never resent you, and honestly it's pretty bold of you to think you have the power to keep me from living up my youth. I can still explore but I can do it with you. You're young too. We can do it together. You're not telling me something. There's another reason, what is it?" I watched him begin to walk towards me and knew I hit the nail on the head. I stepped back. There was another reason, and I had a good idea what it was, but I knew he wouldn't tell me to avoid hurting me. A tear escaped from my eye and I rubbed it away furiously, but it was too late. Ade pulled me into hug but I felt claustrophobic. I was trying my hardest to hold back an anxiety attack. I fought my way out of his hold and grabbed my purse and keys. I was about to be late for my orientation, but that isn't purely why I left. I just couldn't anymore. I turned before I left, knowing I wouldn't be back for a long while. He knew it too. 

"Nani I love you. Just remember that. Everything is because I love you. "

"I know you do Ade. I do too. But that alone won't always be enough."

 I shut the door behind me, finally letting my tears escape.