Tainted Love (bxb)

Chapter 21 - Dream today away

It was so incredibly hard to fall asleep. Not because I wasn't tired, no, I really could have laid down on the floor and would be knocked out cold in a matter of seconds. Especially with Riley's comforting scent so close to me would I have been able to fall asleep in the blink of an eye, but I didn't trust myself. When I was asleep, I wouldn't be able to control my body anymore and surely, at some point, it would act on its own, following the scent of my mate and pulling him close, even if Riley wouldn't have wanted that. I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable or like he had to bear this in order to have a place to stay for the night, so I just stared at the ceiling, trying not to fall asleep.

But at some point in the night, when Riley had apparently finally drifted off to sleep, he turned around, his hand resting on my stomach, which made me close my eyes, taking a few deep breaths to control myself. He was unconscious, it didn't mean anything, so I shouldn't let myself experience his touch at least like that. But I also didn't move his hand away. Because if he wanted to lay it on my stomach, he could. I would literally be his human teddy bear and not complain once, but that only meant I really had to stay awake, because if it was already difficult not to give in when I was conscious, I knew it wouldn't work when I was sleeping. 

I dared to look at my beautiful mate once in a while and he looked so adorable when he was asleep. The traces of his crying earlier that day were still visible, but he looked so at peace, so safe when he was sleeping like this, the light of the moon slightly shining on his face, as his chest rose up and down, the slight frown on his face making him only the more cute. He was groaning in his sleep, maybe having a nightmare or something, but I didn't want to wake him. 

His face scrunched up as if something was wrong or he was having a bad dream, before he suddenly scooted closer, cuddling himself against me, as he rested his head on my arm, hugging my torso and falling into a deep slumber. And I was frozen. Fuck. I mean not fuck, but yay, but also...fuck. I had dreamed about having Riley in my arms at night for a long time now and suddenly that moment was here, just that I didn't know how to handle it. Maybe he was mistaking me for Sawyer, maybe not. Maybe his unconscious self was just searching for his mate's touch, not asking himself if he was ready for that or not. 

Now I had two options. Either to scoot away, giving Riley his space back, even though his sleeping self might not like the loss of contact very much or I could stay, but not cuddle him back, leaving myself as a teddy, but so that Riley wouldn't wake up being in my hold, thinking I might have pulled him over at night and freaking him out. The last one sounded better, maybe also because I could still have my mate in my arms in this option. But it wasn't much easier than just pulling away, because my reflex to hug him back and make him feel secured was pretty strong. Great, I would just really have to stay awake until the morning. 

And I did. For the most part at least. I stayed awake until it was around 6 am, but then I just completely knocked out, since I was very very tired. I know I should have been stronger and just stayed the fuck awake, since I didn't know what would happen if I allowed myself to fall unconscious, but the second I tried closing my eyes just for a minute, I was completely gone. And when I woke up again, I wasn't the only one awake. 

Our position had changed from when I had fallen asleep. Now, I was facing Riley, whose head still rested on my arm as my other laid on his waist and his were pulled to his chest, resting between us. But when I looked down, Riley was blinking at me with his big beautiful eyes, obviously awake and I needed a minute to comprehend what was going on. "Mor-" he was just about to say, but I immediately shot up, scooting away, since I had broken my promise of not touching him. 

"I'm so so sorry Riley! Believe me, I didn't want to take advantage of you, I just fell asleep and before that you had laid down in my arm, but I swear I didn't touch you and I'm so sorry if I crossed a line right now, really, you were probably just thinking it was Sawyer and I should have scooted away immediately, maybe I could have taken the chair to sleep and- I'm sorry if I freaked you out, I really didn't mean to touch you when you said you didn't want that!" I pleaded, my hair probably a mess, as every morning, but I didn't care how crazy I must have looked, I had betrayed my mate and he may have taken emotional damage from that and-