you're all i want

xxxvii

"i'm sorry, love. i can't do it. i don't want anyone to know about me," louis tries to explain, breaking the news as gently as he can, but knowing he's still hurting harry just as badly, no matter what he does.

"we've been talking about this for years, though. i want to be able to just be with you and not have to hide you. are you saying you still want to hide, even when we get to be free?" harry wonders, still not being able to fathom louis' seemingly sudden change of heart.

louis flinches slightly at the harshness of harry's words. "i've been thinking about it for a while. people hate me so much anyway. i can't give them something else so easy for them to hate me for. i already hate myself enough as it is."

"come on, louis. no one is going to care that much," harry tries to convince him. "we'll go through it together, and it's not like people really care anymore anyways. there will always be some people who will be assholes about it, but most people are supportive now. it'll be fine if we come out. we can do it together."

louis shakes his head. "people care and they're horrible because of it. i don't think i'd be able to handle getting even more shit for being gay. it's bad enough already."

harry raises an eyebrow. "you get just as much shit as i do. i know it sucks, but we'll be going through it together."

"management has been awful to me ever since this band started," louis exclaims, finally confessing to harry. "they have treated me like absolute shit, but i've let them because they leave you alone for the most part. now i'm telling you that i can't come out because i don't think i could deal with any more hate like this!" louis pauses, feeing guilty for raising his voice at harry like this. "i'm sorry i didn't tell you earlier," he says softly.

"what else have you not told me? i know you and liam are keeping secrets that you refuse to let me in on. i see you sneaking off together all of the time when we're on tour, and you going to call him whenever you're upset. i'm your husband! you're supposed to be talking to me," harry exclaims. "please, i just want to know you."

"yes, there are things i keep from you. things i don't want you to know. but it is only to protect you, i swear. i'm not cheating on you or anything, if that's what you think. i would never do something like that. you know this," louis pleads.

"i don't need you to constantly be protecting me. i can take care of myself. i don't need you always diving in to get the beard, or taking on management, or hiding things from me," harry blurts out. "i'm not a child, i'm your husband. i am perfectly capable of fighting my own battles. i'm not weak."

louis' eyes begin to water. "everything i have ever done has been to protect you. i love you so much, i can't stand the thought of you having to suffer through all of that. of course i know you're not weak. i just wouldn't be able able stand by and watch the person i love more than anything else in the world get hurt."

"that should have been a decision we made together. i can make my own choices," harry's voice is cold. usually, he speaks so softly, in a way that warms louis' body. now, all of that comfort is gone and louis can hardly recognize him.

"fine, i should have spoken to you, and for that, i am sorry, but you have to understand that i do everything for you. i never wanted to hurt you in any way," louis begs.

"why liam?" harry asks. "why is it that you can't talk to me, but liam gets to know about all of your secrets or whatever the hell is going on with you two. in case you have forgotten, we're the ones who are married. not you and liam."