kim jongin imagines (hiatus)

giving up

the second i found out i was pregnant, i knew i was going to give it up for adoption. with my boyfriend jongin being a very famous k-pop idol and with what happened to one their other group members, jongdae, we knew we couldn't have a baby yet. as we're both pretty young, too, and un-married, we decided we'd want to wait at least a few more years.

i refused to have an abortion, though. it wasn't a religious thing per se but i just couldn't handle the thought of doing that to my baby. even if i wasn't going to keep it, i knew it was going to be an amazing person and i couldn't take that away from the world. jongin and i both felt that this was the right choice and we very quickly found the most perfect couple who wanted to adopt our baby. they knew that jongin was the dad and promised that they would not let slip who he was unless we were okay with it. we felt very lucky that our child would be going to this family. we decided to have a closed adoption because we figured that doing it any other way would just confuse our child but the minute they wanted to know about us, we would be there for them. we knew we were going to love them even if they technically wouldn't be ours anymore.

the day that our daughter was born was a very hard day. labour was intense, lasting almost 24 hours, and when she was born, she wasn't breathing. it felt like hours before she took her first breath but in reality it was probably only 30 seconds. i was so relieved when i heard that cry and i noticed jongin let out a deep breath beside me, obviously feeling the same.

"do you want to hold her?" the doctor asked me.

"i don't think i should," i said. as much as i wanted to, i couldn't handle it. "her adoptive parents are coming in a few hours and i think they should hold her first."

"alright, well, you should pump some milk for her to drink while you're waiting," she said. i agreed so she set me up with the breast pump and i got out as much as i could. it hurt to not hold the baby, her cries were piercing my heart and made me want to comfort her, but i knew that the moment i touched her, i wouldn't be able to let her go.

"you're doing the right thing," jongin said from beside me, stroking one of my cheeks with his finger.

"i know but it hurts," i said.

"yeah, it's hurting me, too," he sighed. he looked back over at the baby and smiled sadly.

"she's gorgeous," he whispered.

"of course she is, we made her."

——

it's now the next morning and the baby's adoptive parents have just arrived. jongin lets them into the room and they both hug him before coming over to pull me into a hug, too.

"i don't even know how to thank you," the wife, hyejung, says.

"no need, we're happy that we're able to do this for you," i say, giving her as sincere of a smile as i can. "the nurse should be bringing her in in a few minutes so feel free to take a seat and wait."

the nod and sit down on one of the couches while jongin sits in the chair beside me again. he links his fingers with mine and bends down to kiss me gently.

"how are you doing?" he asks.

"tired, in pain, sad," i say.

"yeah, me too."

there's a knock on the door then so i call out a 'come in' and the doctor rolls in with the baby in her cot. her adoptive parents immediately jump up with huge smiles on their faces and the doctor brings the baby over to them.

"oh my gosh, she's gorgeous," hyejin whispers. she reaches into the cot and picks up the baby to show her to her husband. the doctor goes over everything about the baby with them before asking them what they're going to name her. hyejin grins and turns her head towards me which brings a heavy feeling in my stomach.

"we've chosen minyoung as her first name." oh, thank god. "and as a thank you, we want (y/n) to be her middle name."

the gesture is really sweet but for some reason it really upsets me. i smile at them, whispering a thank you, before turning my head away so hopefully they won't see me start to cry. i try to blink back my tears as much as possible but a few slip out so jongin quickly wipes them away.

"it's okay, baby," he says. he kisses me gently then lets me bury my face in his shoulder so i don't have to look at the baby anymore.

"alright," the doctor says. "baby minyoung is very healthy so you can take her home now if you'd like."

"thank you," hyejin and her husband say. they both thank me and jongin again then he walks them out of the room, saying one last goodbye to our child.

once they're gone, he comes back over to me and we both just start to cry. even though we knew we weren't going to keep the baby, i don't think either of us suspected that it was going to be so hard to give her up.

"do you think we'll regret it?" jongin asks.

"i don't know, jongin," i say. "i know she's going to have a better life than we could give her right now, for sure, but it'll be hard to forget about her."

"yeah, i know."

he runs his hand over my hair and presses another kiss on the side of my head. i hope we made the right decision and that our baby will be healthy and happy as she grows up.

i hope you guys like this :)