Saving Saeyoung

15) Mess.

TRIGGER WARNING. SUICIDE ATTEMPT, AND GRAPHIC MENTION OF OVERDOSE. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK AND PLEASE STAY SAFE.
     Last night, I was cooking dinner for Saeyoung and Yoosung.
     24 hours later, I'm at the hospital with the R.F.A as they try to stabilize Saeyoung.
How did it come to this? Where did I go wrong? I thought to myself as we all looked at each other nervously.
     It was 4:30. I had come home from work a little early since it was a slow day.
I opened the front door with a strange feeling overwhelming me. It had been a concerning amount of time since Saeyoung had answered my texts, and he had been acting strange all morning. When I had called his name, there was no response. I got increasingly nervous, and kept calling his name. I wanted to assume he was sleeping. I wanted to assume he was alright, but something was telling me he wasn't.
     And that something was right.
     I had walked into his bedroom, thinking he was sleeping, and I almost tripped over his unconscious body. He was sprawled on the ground and unresponsive. A bottle of pills lay next to him, half empty. I'd seen foam gushing from his mouth and shrieked, barely able to contain myself as I dialed 911.
     And now I'm sitting here at 5:30, in the waiting room.
     "I d-don't understand." I hyperventilated into Zen's arms. "H-he was f-fine last night."
     The waiting room was completely empty except for us, and the chemically smell all too familiar.
     "Shhh. I know. He's going to get more help, he'll get through this." Zen said, trying to comfort me.
     Yoosung had his head on my lap, crying his eyes out as Jumin and Jaehee just sat together. They weren't crying, but they were on the verge of doing so.
     We all slowly got quieter as we realized the doctor had stepped into the room. "Is there someone I can speak to about Saeyoung Choi's condition?"
     Everyone looked at Jumin, since he was the most composed.
     "Yes, you can speak to me." Jumin got up and brushed himself off, the doctor taking him into a private hallway.
     We all secretly prepared for the worst.
     When Jumin came back, I felt my stomach drop.
     "Our Saeyoung's still alive... But he's in critical condition. The pills did a number on him, and he most likely won't be taking visitors until at least tomorrow night." He said calmly. "The doctor said if (Y/n) had found him so much as 10 minutes later, he would have died."
     Tonight, I realized just how fragile the human heart was. How easy it was for someone to be fine one day, then hospitalized the next. It becomes easy for them to hide, like second nature. I wish I could've seen through it. I thought he was getting better.
     I had ridden in the ambulance, so Zen was my ride home.
     "I don't get it." My voice was raspy, I had a bad taste in my mouth.
     "Hm?" Zen replied as he drove me home. The sun was setting, and it was pouring rain.
     "Why isn't the therapist helping? Why am I not helping? Why didn't he say it wasn't enough?-"
     "Because that's not how Seven is. He doesn't want to upset us with his problems, and I guess he thought he would be better off taking it into his own hands."
     "I should've been there for him. I should've been more understanding. This is my fault."
     "No it is not, (Y/n). You spent weeks trying to make Seven understand Saeran's death wasn't his fault, you must understand his attempt wasn't your fault.
     As much as I wanted to blame it on myself, as much as I wanted to just let myself disappear and blame it on something, Zen had  a point.
     "Okay. But, Zen. Can I tell you something? And can you promise not to tell anyone?"
     "I promise."
     I knew I was going to regret what I was about to do, but I had no choice. I wasn't going to let possibly misplaced guilt consume me.
     "Saeyoung... Was cutting himself. From the time he was about to leave the hospital to... I don't know when. Now, I guess." I felt tears prick my eyes and sighed, trying to compose myself. "And, of course I didn't tell anyone. I didn't know if he was comfortable with that. I thought if he wanted people to know, it should be him telling them."
"You didn't do anything wrong, (Y/n). The best thing you could have done was not tell anyone if he didn't give you the OK."
"Yeah, but then I gave him this fucking pen amd told him that I read that some people draw on themselves instead of hurting themselves."
"And did he? Draw on himself, I mean."
"Yeah but obviously that wasn't helping. I'm so fucking stupid, Zen. I thought the dumb shit on the internet was gonna help him stop- and he took it to the extreme intstead. What if next time he actually does it? And I'm not there?" I almost started raising my voice, then I realized I didn't have the strength to.
"You can't say things like that. You have to push the negative thoughts from your mind or else you'll be consumed by it. And about the pen thing... Again, you did the right thing. You tried to give him a creative outlet, and that's a step above harming himself. Just because it didn't exactly work, doesn't mean you're to blame." He focused on the road, making no eye contact.
"Seven knows you care about him," He began again after some silence. "He understands that there's only so much you can do. You need to understand that too. Your heart's in the right place, but you gotta stop blaming yourself for things like that." I realized he was using my advice on me, and got frustrated.
"If it's not my fault, then why do I feel so guilty?" I asked.
"Because when someone has to deal with a loved one that's in pain, they almost always blame themselves. If you can't find a 'source', you're gonna think it's you causing problems. Even if it's not." He put his hand on mine, trying to comfort me.
"Yeah. I guess you're right. Thank you, Zen. It seems like you're always there when I need it." I said after thinking his comment over. "I really appreciate you."
"Don't mention it (Y/n), that's what I'm here for. Well... we're here. Are you gonna be alright on your own tonight?"
"Yes, I'll be fine. I promise. Goodnight, Zen. Drive home safe." I shut the car door and he waved goodbye.
Since I hadn't actually moved in yet, Zen dropped me off at my apartment. As odd as this is going to sound, it's better he didn't drop me off at Seven's house. Being surrounded by his things but not him would have been far too much for me to endure tonight.
Not that I got that much sleep anyways.