Redemption: A Reylo Story

Unbearable Loss

   REY

Going on seven weeks since Gernel, and the attack on the rebel base, the Resistance is recovering very slowly.  The people of the galaxy live in fear of even secretly supporting the rebels.  The First Order is recovering much faster.  They have seized control of three systems in the last two weeks.  Kylo Ren is merciless in his attacks.  We have been forced to move our base twice since the attack that killed over fifteen hundred of our members.

Finn questions me frequently about the events on Gernel. By suddenly acting upset and tearful, I have managed to dodge giving any real answers. Although him forcing me to bring up painful memories in broad daylight means I am really not acting.  Behaving stoically during the day, I reserve my grief for the nightfall when I am completely alone.

Poe keeps our conversations light, although I have caught him staring at me in deep thought numerous times.

Chewie is the worst.  He walks up and envelopes me in a head to toe embrace everyday; almost like he knows the truth of my sadness. Unable to hold back the tide of grief, I break down and bury my face in his furry body, weeping until my eyes sting from dry tear ducts. He always holds me tightly, and chortles softly giving me comfort the only way he knows how.

And all the time, the pain in my chest never wavers—never worse—never better, but always with me. Serving as a constant reminder of my loss, and that the bond still exists, I have contemplated running myself through with a dagger—anything to get away from the never-ending ache of loss.

Training hard every day since Dr. Rorshum released me is the only thing that takes my mind off of Ben. But every evening, I punish myself by attempting to contact him through the Force-bond. Tonight, I catch a glimpse of him, thinking I hear him say my name before he closes the bond. His eyes look haunted, but the yellow color is gone.

I have nightmares every night; when I sleep at all. I endeavor to think about all of the good memories we have together before drifting off: the waterfall pool—the way he smiled for the first time that day on the path—the look in his eyes when he watched the sunset—the look in his eyes later that night.

Nothing helps. Instead, I dream about all my friends dying. I witness Rose smiling and waving right before she is blown in half. I view the faces of all the loved ones left behind that I have to look at every day. But lastly, always right before I startle awake, I see the look on Ben's face in the clearing when I knew he was once again lost to the dark side.

Tonight, before going to sleep, I concentrate on hearing him whisper my name again. I have felt rather unwell physically all day, and hearing him say my name over and over is strangely comforting.

As Rose disintegrates in my dream, I awake suddenly to a terrible cramping pain in my lower abdomen. Stumbling to the private room, I feel something wet trickle down my inner thigh. When I get the light on, I realize there is a growing pool of blood at my feet. Another sudden pain hits me and I double over. It lasts approximately thirty seconds, then eases off. Feeling like something hot and sharp is squeezing my insides, I back myself against the wall and look down. A gasp escapes my throat when I see the pool of blood has doubled in size. Something is very wrong. Reaching down to check myself, I attempt to find the source of the blood. Another pain ensues and I nearly collapse. As soon as it lets off, I ease myself to the floor and concentrate on using the Force to summon my transmitter. Finn picks up quickly.

"Help." This is all I say before pain racks my body again.

Blinking my eyes open, I find myself again a patient in the medical bay. Leia is asleep in a chair beside my bed snoring softly. My lower abdomen is extremely sore, and I feel very weak.