finding you

sixty eight

My silence is my response. I don't turn to face her, but I feel her eyes burning holes in my head.

"You had sex!? With Rhys?! Last night?! Where?! When?! What!?"

My whole face is burnt red with embarrassment. "Y-yes..." I stutter. "Oh my God," I say, suddenly remembering that the story is literally us on a grid road in the middle of nowhere... in my truck. "Uh..."

"What? Where did it happen?"

"In my truck." I cover my face with my hands. I am never telling this story to anyone. Who's first time was in the passenger seat of their vehicle?

"WHAT?"

"Shhhh!" I say, even though we're the only ones in the house. I'm very happy my dad went out tonight. "We pulled down a grid road... and just... I don't know." I decide to leave out the part where I fell completely off him and on my butt.

She just gapes at me, not saying a single thing. I think she is actually at a loss for words. She can't wrap her head around this and it's quite entertaining for me. It's kind of funny because she looks hilarious with her foundation half applied on her face. 

"How was it?" she asks after a long moment. Slowly, she goes back to dabbing her face.

"I... honestly, it was so much better than I thought it would be. Like... by a lot." Ron doesn't know about Lyle. She doesn't know a lot of things about me. She never understood why I always acted the way I did- why I was so quiet and lonely. I don't know if I will ever tell her.

She makes a noise. "I mean, it's not like you were with someone who didn't know what they were doing. I can only imagine."

Thanks, Ron. I don't really want to think about all of the girls Rhys has slept with. Although the more I think about it, I'm glad he knew what he was doing. His confidence in that area truly made me feel safe and secure. It was incredibly weird timing, but I wouldn't change it for a thing.

"Wow, so that was your first time...?"

I nod.

"Did he know that?"

I nod again. "Don't you remember Brooke yelling it out at that party?"

"Yeah, but I doubt anyone really believed her just because she said it."

"Mhm," I groan, unconvinced. "Doesn't matter now."

"No, it doesn't." She agrees. "You got the guy... he's actually yours." She says it as if she can't quite believe it herself.

I don't respond. I finish up my face and then stand up to choose an outfit. It's an outdoor thing, so I definitely will bring a sweater. It's not like we need to look super cute or anything. I decide on some classic light-wash Levi's and a white crewneck. I have a cute black tank top underneath, but I doubt I will be taking off the sweater tonight. I'm a naturally cold person. I throw on some small hoop earrings to upgrade my casual look. Hmm, it will do. I end up putting a few curls in my hair, but I have a few scrunchies on my arm on standby. God knows my hair will be up by the end of the night.

Ronnie starts putting on different outfits and showing them to me. They honestly look all too similar and I can't tell which one would be better. I pick a nude crop top for her and some high-wasted jeans.

"You're bringing a jacket or sweater, right?" I ask.

"I have that cardigan thing in my car. It will at least go. Are you ready? I have your liquor in my car."

"Yes."

We give ourselves last minute face and outfit checks and soon we're on our way to Nial's in Ronnie's rusty old sedan. It's definitely a good party car.

"11:30," I say, looking at the time on my phone. "Not bad. Rhys started asking where I was at 9 already. I think he's drunk." I look outside. It's a full moon tonight and it's pretty bright. It's beautiful.

"Ashton is convinced we're not even going to make it," Ronnie snorts. She slightly adds more pressure to the gas pedal.

"Rhys stopped responding to me. I hope he's not like hammered before I even get there."

"I mean, it's his best friend's birthday. You have to go hard."

I sigh. "I wish he would at least respond," I'm whining, I know.

"Look at you, getting the whole girlfriend thing down," she laughs, and I have to punch her in the shoulder.

We reach Growers and stop at a liquor store before continuing. Ronnie wanted to try a new pink lemonade vodka drink, and because Nial lives close to Rhys, we have to cross town to get to the highway on the other side.

We're about five minutes out of town and Ronnie has Drake blasting on the stereo. We sing along as loud as we possibly can. I miss stuff like this. Driving around late at night and singing at the top of your lungs.

After a few minutes, I turn down the volume. "Are you sure it's okay we crash at Nial's?" I ask Ronnie.

"Yeah, he doesn't care. We're almost there!" she squeals.

I swallow a surprising lump in my throat as we turn down a grid road. I can see smoke from a bonfire in the distance. I'm assuming that's where it is. Rhys's house is probably five more minutes down the highway, but definitely close. I never knew Nial lived out here, too. I guess it makes sense to why they were such close childhood friends.

We keep driving until the terrain starts to get hillier and bushier. Sand dunes. I've only been here a couple of times. There's no lake or anything nearby so it wasn't ever a place I was interested in spending time at. It is cool, though, to have a place that's like a mini dessert so close town like Growers.

We park over by some bushes alongside several other cars. I can hear music and people laughing. I silently hope this doesn't mean there are a bunch of people. I mean, Nial has a lot of friends, so I can only imagine.

"Should we take a few shots in here first?" Ronnie asks me after turning the engine off.

"Duh." I grab my mickey out of Ronnie's backpack and crack it open. I take a generous swig and allow the vodka to burn my insides. I cough in disgust.

Ronnie bursts out in laughter. "Nervous? ... are you thinking of round two tonight?"

"What!?" I open my mouth at her, and she laughs even harder.

"Oh my God, Theo. I'm so excited to start sharing sex stories with you now."

"Uh," I choke. "I'd rather not hear details about Ashton. That's disgusting, Ron. Ew."

"Alright, but I'm very okay with hearing details about Rhys."

We laugh together and take a few more shots. After my body begins buzzing with some heat, we decide it's time to make our appearance. I sure pray that there isn't anyone here that will make me uncomfortable. I like Nial, but he's also friends with people like Brock and Brooke. Rhys assured me it would be fine, though. I really hope he was right.

We have to walk a bit through the dunes to get to the fire, but I don't mind it at all. It's a beautiful night and it's easing my anxiety. It's not long before we officially arrive and join everyone. I don't immediately recognize any alarming faces so that's a good sign. Nobody really even notices us arrive so we decide to try and find the boys, wherever they may be. I keep my eyes peeled for a shaggy-haired, very tall boy. It's not like there's a million people here. Where are they? 

Suddenly, I hear a familiar laugh. Way too familiar. Both Ronnie and I naturally follow the sound and sure enough, we see our boyfriends. They don't see us yet.

Wow, did I really just think that? Our boyfriends. Eeep! 

We approach them just in time to see Rhys throw himself upside down on a keg. Ashton and Nial hold his legs up as he chugs... and chugs, and the cheers of several guys around them fill the air.

Oh boy.