finding you

fifty eight

Countless tears are being shared between both Rhys and I. I can't look at his face but I know he's crying. He's crying even more than I am. 

We sit in silence. An unknown amount of time passes and we just sit. We're not touching at all- just sitting side by side, listening to each other's breathing...  and sniffling. 

Our silence is broken with the sound of loud barking and other strange noises. Rhys's dogs outside. They sound like they're getting into a fight. We sit there for a few more minutes before I smile. We're trying so hard to pretend ignore them but the sounds they're making is too funny. 

I finally here Rhys snort a little. "I'm sorry. They're senior siblings... they get into it."

"I love them. I actually liked their timing. It's perfect."

He laughs and I slowly turn my head a bit so I can see him, incredibly thankful to hear that sound again.

Oh my God. His eyes. They're so puffy and red. I almost turn away but I can't. A few more tears slide down his cheeks when he sees me looking at him. Why is he so affected by this?

"I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry, Rhys."

I honestly can't believe I told him. I think I just wanted to give him a tiny taste of what it was like for me in high school. Something. 

He doesn't say anything but just continues to look at me. For a moment I wonder if it was all too much for him. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. 

"That's why I couldn't believe you didn't know who I was in High School. Everyone talked about me after- especially you're crowd."

He looks like he's about to say something but holds back. He sits up more and moves a little closer to me. I look down at our hands. They're only inches apart. I want them to be gone.

I look back up at him again. He's already looking at me. "I didn't know... that was you," he says quietly. His voice is incredibly raspy from crying. It's annoyingly attractive. 

"Yeah, well... I'm sorry.. I understand if that- if it's too much or something... I just felt like... telling you."

He's silent again and I can feel myself sink a bit. Regardless of what I was trying to accomplish with telling him, I do not want to lose him. 

But I might.

"I..." he breathes, "I am just trying to figure out what the right thing is to say."

"I don't think there is a right response to something like that. Just you being here right now... with me, is everything to me, Rhys. Thank you."

I try to smile at him, but he doesn't look like he's going to reciprocate it. He looks wounded. I suddenly think about his mother, and how he might be thinking about her. I hope this didn't upset him too much. Crap, I didn't even think about that.

Suddenly, his hand wraps around mine and holds it tightly. I look up at him. I feel such an overwhelming sense of comfort I can't help but tear up again. He seems to notice because suddenly he's bringing me against him so he can hold me altogether. I rest my head against his chest and silently let my tears wet his shirt.

We hold each other like that a long while, not saying anything again. It's overwhelming, but in a good way. I feel... safe. For once in my life, I feel protected. 

"Theo, why didn't you tell anyone?" Rhys asks suddenly.

"I thought... maybe if I ignored it, it would just all go away." I say against his chest. He continues to rub my back, keeping me calm. 

"She assaulted you." When I don't say anything I hear Rhys sigh. "Theo, she should have gotten into serious trouble. She would have been expelled at the very least."

"I know it's difficult to understand. Believe me, if I was the way I am now, back then, I would have done something. I didn't want anymore attention on me."

He doesn't say anything and I can tell he's getting worked up. My head is going up and down with his chest with how he's breathing. 

"I'm okay, I promise."

"Theo, she can't get away with this. I don't think you understand how fucked up this is."

"Believe me, I know!" My head is lifted off his chest now and I'm looking into his eyes. "I told you because I wanted you to understand me more, not to do anything about it."

He shakes his head in frustration. "I can't believe I-I've talked with her... I can't believe I ever..."

"Rhys, please don't blame yourself for anything."

His eyes shoot back up to mine in a second. He looks truly horrified. 

I can see why he would be a little freaked out, finding out something so disturbing about his ex. She was his girlfriend for a long time. I don't know how deep his feelings ever ran for her, but he had to have some.

"Hey..." I whisper, gently placing my hands on either side of his face. His eyes are glossy from fresh tears and I just want to take them all away. I rub my thumb lightly across his bottom lip and watch as he closes his eyes and leans into me. I let a few moments pass before reaching up and pressing my lips against his. I give him a few kisses on his mouth before his hand goes up and wraps around the side of my face. 

He presses himself closer to me and I allow myself to completely melt against him.

We kiss each other. We hold each other. 

It's all we do for now.