finding you

forty

I walk out of the basement bathroom after washing my face and rinsing with mouthwash. I find my glasses on the bedside table and put them on after whipping my hair up in a ponytail. I feel slightly more refreshed but I still feel unsettled about everything.

I feel sad at the fact that I had another little freak out this morning. It makes me feel like I'll never overcome this. I will never allow myself to get close to someone. The thing is Rhys makes me feel different. But this morning he collided with some of my memories and I can't handle that.

But I can't handle walking away from this. I like him. I care for him. I just know he won't understand me. He doesn't. I could see it on his face.

No guy is ever going to stick around and wait for someone like that. I don't even think I would want to put someone through that. I don't think I can allow myself to get intimate with someone. And that's what he wants.

He wants a girl he can really be with.

I wish I could be that for him. I actually thought I maybe could.

I truly believed that. I have never done this much with anyone before. This is a lot for me and he won't ever understand that.

"Theo?"

I look up. I'm sitting on Salis's bed and Rhys is standing in the doorway. He looks freshly showered and he has on some stylish sweatpants and a black t-shirt. He looks extremely good. I'm suddenly feeling drawn to him. I can't handle the way he makes me feel. My body wants him. I want him.

He walks up to me, swinging his keys around in one hand. He looks ready to go. I say nothing and just look at him. Suddenly he's kneeling in front of me and he places one hand on my knee, squeezing it slightly. He smells amazing. It's either his aftershave or cologne, but whatever it is its subtle and completely entrancing. Jesus.

"You look adorable." He says, looking up at me. His eyes are looking their brightest as they invade their way into mine. "I love those glasses on you."

"Thanks." I try and smile but I can't.

"Okay, what's up?"

"What?"

"Your mind is working overtime. I can see it." He stands up and grabs my hand, pulling me up to him so I'm standing against his chest. I attempt to look at his face but my neck can't bend that far. Dang, he is one tall boy.

He wraps his arms around me and hugs me to him. I completely surrender and let him. I even wrap my arms around him and hold him back. I can see my subconscious glare at me in the corner, shaking her head at my lack of control. I ignore her, of course, and hug him tighter. I feel him kiss my forehead a couple times and it makes my knees suddenly feel a little weaker.

"I don't want you overthink this... overthink me. What happened earlier was so small, Theo. It was such a little thing. I don't say that to desensitize your feelings in any way. I just mean that it doesn't change the way I feel about you. I'm sorry if my reaction made you uneasy. I guess I'm still getting used to my emotions around you. I just don't want to push you into something your not ready for. I really need you to communicate with me on that part."

He's still holding me with my head pressed against my chest. Even though we're standing, this feels like the most comfortable place I've ever been in. It's bliss.

"I want you to be honest with me. I know that's asking a lot because of everything that happened last night. I just... want you to know I'm here. And I don't think you're weird or anything." I feel him chuckle a little against me. "I think it's refreshing. It's new to me."

I groan against him in response. He's making me feel even more embarrassed. Is he referring to my virginity... He groans back at me in a mocking way. I laugh at that.

"Hey." He pushes me away slightly so he can look down at me. "You owe me a date, Leigh."

I quirk an eyebrow up at him. "You think so, Collins?"

He chuckles and it's a heady sound. Squeezing my waist, he says, "I think so."

"Under one condition."

"What could that possibly be, Leigh?"

I move so I'm close against him again but standing on my tiptoes so I can still look at him. I wrap my arms around his neck and attempt to pull him down a little closer to my level. "Kiss me."

It's a plea. I need it. I need to feel him right now. I need to know we're okay.

He looks down at me. He looks slightly concerned but there's something else, too. He's looking at me with an emotion I haven't seen on him yet. It fills me with warmth. His eyes have his sparkle back as he slowly grabs the back of my neck and brings himself closer to me. His lips come down on mine and my knees almost buckle at the contact. It's almost as if I haven't kissed him before. His lips are burning... or are mine?

I find myself melting into him. I push myself up against him to gain better access and he suddenly stills. He stops kissing me, gently holding me in place. He seems to gather himself for a moment before leaning back and looking down at me.

"What's wrong?" I ask, slightly out of breath. I'm starting to worry that maybe this morning did freak him out. What if he doesn't want to kiss me anymore?

"Nothing. Just... we should slow down."

"What?"

So this morning he was wanting to take my pants off now he doesn't want to kiss me? Just kiss me? Does he think I can't handle it?

He sighs at my reaction and runs his hand over his face before looking back at me. "It's not like that. I just want to do the right thing."

"Okay..." I say, feeling a little stupid. I try to pull myself away from him but he holds on to me.

"Hey. Come here."

I shake my head and continue to try and pull away.

"Theo, don't." He fights my resistance and pulls me close to him, wrapping his arms around me. "You have me, okay?"

I immediately stop and allow him to hold me.

What did he mean by that?

I forget to ask him. I probably should, though.

I want to speak up but instead, I find myself wrapping my arms around him for the second time.

You have me.